Me and my fiance have split up today?

Question

my b/f of 7 yrs has a daughter 10 yr old from a previous fling. he has always had on/off contact with her and up until 4 weekends ago he had not seen her for nearly 4 yrs. I am going to be truthful with you all, i hate the fact that he has a child with someone else (we have 3 children together). Anyway the past 4 weekends she has stayed with us. This wkend my b/f told her he would not be able to have her every wkend as he has to go and work away. When she ahs been comin over she has been tryin to make trouble and come between us and being rude to me. I understand she is probably jealous that her dad has moved on from her mom but i wont put up with it from someone elses child. We had a discussion about it today and i told him i would never try and stop him from seeing his daughter but i dont want to and that he will have to do it without me being there. It ended in an argument and we have fell out. I dont understand why when i have not tried to get him to stop seeing her?

Answer 1

Try and see it from the child's view.
The dad isn't that bothered in seeing her.
You aren't wanting to be there for her, which gives her justification, but true - she has to make an effort too if you decide to. You have to give it time and find out the underneath stuff. But depends how you address it with her, ie in a way she can relate to. Stop being angry at her for being related to his ex partner and give her some love and respect. This is not her fault, but she is seeing you seeing it that way.

Both you and partner need to put more effort in. Hopefully with her dad on side defending you and you putting in the effort, she'll open up eventually. But takes time and understanding - she has to understand she cannot behave as she pleases, but when she is ready, let her know you will listen to her side of things. People don't always show the real them, till they feel safe to. This is a front to hide her insecurities. You need to treat her and she needs to respond as an adult. Not slanging matches.

Say you want to know how she feels about the situation in a calm and adult way - and listen. Tell her you want to treat her as an adult, but goes both ways. Without the shouting and rudeness, you could get somewhere. You may be surprised if you treat her like your own.

I think it is fine to be her friend, but you are not her complete responsibility tell her this is how it is; her guardian is her dad, her friend is you. Whilst you are together though, you will try and work as a family and look out for her. And not punish her for the faults of your partner. How far you go here comes down to love and your conscience. You potentially can shape her future with your actions, so consider that.

The fact you asked this question shows you want to try I think, so I hope you do...and not just to keep your partner.

Answer 2

Okay, now how will you feel if his next girlfriend doesn't like your children?

You knew when you met him, that he had a past. It sounds as though you knew about the child from the get go. Did you expect him to drop her because he met you? Were you the reason he had not seen her for four years?

If you can not accept his child, you can not accept him. If he is any kind of father at all, he will choose her over you.

Sorry, but children should always come first! Perhaps because you just don't like her, you think she is coming between you when she isn't. You are just jealous and it will never work because he will always be the child's father.

Answer 3

my daughter used to go to her dads every weekend until recently. This has changed because his new partner feels the same way you do. I personally don't understand it, after all it isn't the child's fault! You are the adult, if the child is behaving difficult then there will be a reason for it and its up to you as the adult to work it through with her.Children know when someone doesn't like them so is it any surprise she is difficult? You wouldn't want your children to feel that way or for them to have obstacles in the way for them to see their dad would you? You may not like the fact you partner loves another child as much as yours but that's the way it is. Your husband is resenting you for your behaviour over a wee person he loves very much. What you don't realise is that if you were supportive over this he would feel much closer to you and love you for it. I have a wee girl right now who is very confused and upset about the situation she is in. Has it ever occurred to you that this young girl has feelings. Stop thinking of yourself and how this is effecting your life and start thinking about your partner and that 10 year old girl. You never know you may grow to love her if you open up your life to her instead of trying to push her out.

Answer 4

Sorry you are feeling lost and empty but all you can do is what you really want to do , you decide , you do what you think will make you feel a little better , a long soak in the bath , a nice stroll in the park , give friends a call someone might appear at your door with a bottle of wine for a girly night . When i was younger and had relationship problems i used to lock myself in my bedroom with some soppy cds .. the music may make you cry but its a release surely .. Hope you feel better really soon and who knows you and your fella may get back together again as 2 yrs is a long time to throw away ...

Answer 5

She is part of his family. You are part of his family. He won't get into the business of keeping the parts away from each other. Frankly, I don't blame him. Be a big girl and figure out how to handle a 10 yr old, for goodness sakes!

Answer 6

your attitude is wrong, how would you want someone to deal with "your" children, and it's not their father? I do understand the situation is difficult