husband interested in...(not Me)?

Question

I left on an errand, returned early, found my husband looking at nudies on the net, tried to hide it, hasn't said sorry, it's been 7 months since we've had sex, I feel he has to"look" to be interested in me and I don't want him thinking about one of the woman he must have spent hours with on the net, while we make love (that hasn't happened in a VERY long time.) I refuse to have sex. I feel betrayed. I'm 200 lbs. 5'2"(always have been). Very low esteem about my appearance, kids are grown & gone. My 1st marriage, his 3rd. How do we fix our marriage been married for 10 years. I don't know how to let this go, can anyone help me? His 1st wife commited adultery, so he understands how feelings of love die, I do not hate him, but I don't love him anymore I don't think. I care deeply, but we don't even talk, it's like we are only roommates, and sometimes I get so angry,I get feelings of hatred for toward him for making me feel so ugly, worthless, undesireable, not loved. what do I do now?

Answer 1

It sounds like you have a serious problem. Let me say first that refusing to have sex with him is going to accomplish nothing but marital suicide. Sex was created to bring a husband and wife closer together. Also, sex is a very powerful drive for men, right up there with hunger.

I think there's no immediate solution to this, no magic words to say. My advice is, go to him, sit down, and nicely and respectfully tell him your feelings. Don't attack him or accuse him or put him on the defensive, because this will absolutely not help, and probably do more harm than good. Don't yell either, because yelling also doesn't help.

May I also suggest getting a membership at the local gym? Not only will it get you in shape, but it'll build up your self-confidence and definitely make you more desirable to your husband - and help make him more desirable to you, as well.

Good luck, hon. :-)

Answer 2

1. He doesn't make you feel "ugly, worthless, undesirable, not loved" you let him do that with your insecurities. You need counseling.

2. How can you complain about not having sex when you admit you're the one refusing to have it? If you aren't going to satisfy his sexual needs as well as your own, then he's going to take that rejection and find someone that won't reject him, which is probably what he's doing with the on-line porn.

3. Why are you betrayed? He hasn't cheated on you....yet.

4. Before you get in an uproar about porn, which is nothing but looking, how many times have you looked? How many actors have you thought "he's cute", or guys on the street, or singers, or whatever? That's a form of cheating too, because you are looking. No different than what your husband is doing looking at porn.

5. Sharing your troubles with anyone other than your spouse is also technically an act of betrayal on your part. You are airing things about your marriage to others, instead of talking them over with your spouse.

How would you feel if you were searching the net and found this same question, asked by your husband? Would you feel hurt that he went to strangers instead of to you? That he felt he couldn't talk to you?

You both should get marriage counseling.

Answer 3

You say that "you've always been 200 lbs. 5'2"" and have low esteem about your appearance. Well, if you've always felt that way then I doubt he's the cause of your feelings (though he may add to them).
I don't understand the 7 months of no sex thing. Did this happen after you found him looking at other women or before? Because if you hadn't had sex up until that time then you can't blame him.
If you have refused sex for seven months due to him looking at nude photos then that is unreasonable. Witholding sex is not solving the problem.
The best and probably only thing you can do at this point is go to marriage counseling. You both have to discuss if you still want to be in this marriage and what you are both willing to do to make it work. Be prepared.. sounds like at this point it would be hard work. Don't be afraid to start doing your part to put things on the right track.

Answer 4

Hopefully, it is not the firmness of your boobs that is making your husband lose interest in you. It is the misunderstandings. I would hope that neither your husband or yourself are so superficial that your breasts are going to cause your marriage to dissolve. The misunderstandings however, might be stemming from your thoughts about how your body has changed since the second baby and subconsciously hindering you from being fully submitted to him because of this. Try to communicate with him but only listen don't talk or interject while he is talking. Really see what he thinks the problem is. And before you go off the deep end and get a boob job, how about buying some Vicky's Secrets (nice push up bra and pantie set), designating some alone time just for you and your hubby and adding some spice back into your bedroom, Lord knows that having kids will zap the spice right out of it!

Answer 5

You've got a few different issues going on here but basically it sounds like you're resentful toward your husband for finding other women's bodies sexually attractive, especially since you don't feel yours is. If you're unhappy with your body and have low self-esteem, why don't you try to work on the problem? You say you "always have been" 200 pounds at 5'2". When you word it like that it sounds like that means you're saying this unchangeable or you're not willing to do anything about it. That would be fine if you felt confident about your body and enjoyed it as it was but obviously you're unhappy with yourself so you should probably try to get into shape so you can feel better and gain some self-esteem.

As for looking at "nudies" on the net....all men do that. I even do it, and I'm a woman. We all like to see beautiful bodies once in a while. My husband's got a gut and is not as young as he used to be (he's 8 years older than me). So sometimes I like to admire the rock-hard bodies of gorgeous men on the internet myself. No biggie. My husband doesn't care if I look at hot nudies on the internet once in a while and I don't care if he looks.

If I were you I'd just to what he's doing: take advantage of the internet yourself and check out all the male nudies :)

If that doesn't work, try marriage counseling. But I would seriously consider trying to get in shape as the first priority since if your self-esteem is out of whack, everything else will be as well.

Answer 6

If your refusing to have sex with him, no wonder he's looking elsewhere. If you continue the sex deprivation, you may force him into not only those sites, but into someone else's arms.

You should not hate your husband because you think he makes you feel ugly, worthless, undesirable, and unloved. Quit blaming your husband and take some responsibility for your feelings. You are making yourself feel negatively because you are needlessly comparing yourself to faceless, airbrushed strangers, thus compounding your frustration and low self esteem.

Easier said than done, but build your confidence up ( or at least fake it ). Most men like confident women. The women on those sites are confident and that is what is attracting him more than the fact their unclothed. Forget about what you don't like about your physical appearance and concentrate on what you do like. Constantly tell yourself that you are the most beautiful woman that God has placed on this Earth and maybe you will believe it. Buy sexy lingerie, that's always nice.

Also, don't worry about what he's thinking about when your having sex. Think about it rationally. You are they one he is with and he's not yelling out someone else's name while in throes of passion, right? Right. He loves you and you've been together for 10 years. If he was going to leave you for one of those girls, wouldn't he have done it by now. Although, no one is perfect. You may one day suceed at pushing him away to someone else who will provide him with what he is missing.

If your kids are grown and gone, GREAT! More time to do stuff with him and more room. There are lots of books out there on how to renew and heat up your relationship (and Im not talking Dr. Phil, because he's not a real doctor).

Granted, he could be doing some stuff also, but maybe if you reverse your way of thinking and putting more effort into the relationship, he may follow suit. Most men need a little push to get started and hopefully it is not too late.

What ever you do, do not sever the lines of communication. Once that happens, you may not be able to go back and repair them. Continue to talk with your partner. You never know where it may lead.

Answer 7

First you should never let a MAN, or ANOTHER person determine your self worth.. ESPECIALLY within yourself.. he can piss you off but never make you feel worthles, or ugly...
you need to improve within yourself before you can improve your marriage... 1. start reading self help books., go to thearapy what ever it takes.. 2. lose some weight (not for him, for yourself, health risk, to improve your own self image. do what ever it takes get a partner, a person trainer.. someone that will make you stick to the plan.. and DO IT 3. do something spontantious.. (get a make over hair, clothes, make up the works) (this will also make him feel like good..)

feeling of love do not die they are replaced.. the two of you may have just replaced yours with the wrong things and now need to rediscover each other... stop thinking negative about each other and start thinking positive.. write several good things down about him and start telling him everyday.. you don't even have to tell him what your doing.. HE WILL catch on and sart as well.. (don't give up it will take some time)

you want to have sex.. get yourself revevied up (with thoughts, what ever it takes for you)... bring that man in the room and rock his world don't take no for an anwer.... ....

you are pushing him away and refusing to have sex.. 7 months.. a man has to have some kind of outlets., be glad it's on the net and not inside some one else.. ..

He does not have to look at the net to be interested in you.. WHAT'S CHANGED ABOUT YOU... besides who cares what he's thinking about... when you get yourself right ...

AND He won't be thinking about those women.. but he will be thinking about you...

Answer 8

So why do you think it's so wrong to look at pictures? Kind of like window shopping if you think about it. Do you not take a good look at an attractive man? If you are not having sex because of this dear lady, you are on your way to failure. I'm not saying he should be consumed with it but if he is just looking at pictures, I see no harm. If you don't think you love him anymore, then you may as well just end it so you both have a new chance at happiness. You feelings of ugly, worthless, and undesirable are in your own mind unless he has said something to make you feel this way. Bottom line: don't let your mind become your own worst enemy.

Answer 9

First of all, no one can make you feel a certain way, only you let them. Secondly, it sounds as if you need to go seperate ways. I could name ways all day to help your marriage, but at this point it won't help. You have esteem issues that you need to deal with & it seems like he has issues as well! Cut the ties while you can b/c it doesn't seem as if either of you want to be in the realtionship. Work on yourself & then find or let someone find you and love you for who you are! You should love & respect yourself first, otherwise people won't see a reason to love or respect you. Sometimes you have to teach others how to treat you!!!!!

Answer 10

your husband looking at what you call nudities is only natural alot of men do this espicially men that have had no sex for 7 months like yours has.......youre lucky hes only looking and not cheating that in itself says alot about his character if you think that the reason he makes you feel hatred,ugly, worthless, undesireable, not loved and feel that he has to"look" at someone else to be interested in having sex with you then you have another thing coming......this is all your own insecurities from what ive read.sounds like your not happy with yourself and are finding someone else to blame only you control your life and how you decide to live it if your not comfortable with yourself then do something about it lose weight, raise your self esteem, tell yourself you are beautiful, start hanging out with friends (they are great motivators) but dont throw blame where it doesnt belong......i really hope this helps