Is it true that a bad father is better than no father?

Question

My husband teases and scares our 5 yr old son...not sure why, maybe he was treated that way when he was young, who knows, but he gets mad at me for intervening on my son's behalf, saying i shouldn't make a "big deal" out of any of it, meanwhile, my son is experiencing irrational fears...he refuses to go alone into another room in the house to get a toy or to go potty...my husband calls him a sissy when he cries about the things he scares him with...I have considered leaving, but then he will have visitation alone, which will make the situation worse for our son, not better...I have also raised 2 girls from age 5 and 3 on my own, as a divorced mom for 15 yrs, it was pure hell sometimes, financially, emotionally, etc...they often told me they felt abandoned by their father, not having a chance to hate/love him...he was just not there at all...catch 22?

Answer 1

Get your husband some help. And remind your son that daddy is being a pain. Men tend to do things they think will "toughen up" the boys they are raising. Just continues a bad cycle if you can't stop it now.

Answer 2

It seems as though your husband has some issues obviously. I dont think he is being fair to you or your son. Have you tried to reason with him, like after the son is asleep or not in the room? I would try that and try to get him to understand that his scaring tactics could be causing your son some real trama. If he refuses to change his ways, I think I would give him an ultimatum. Either he change the way your son is being treated or you both leave. Maybe it will open his eyes to see that he is not being fair. Even if he was treated like this when he was younger does not make it right to treat someone else that is obviously scared. As far as leaving and the visitation is concerned, I would feel that if he had no more respect for my son than to ridicule and make him scared all the time, then he should not be allowed to have the visitation rights. I know that would be hard to explain to the judge etc. but in my eyes, this is cruelity. Plain and simple. Good luck.

Answer 3

Look at your husband's family, and the stories of his childhood. He may scare your son out of his own fear that his son will be weak when he grows up. Some men in that generation do not know how to interact with children. It could be possible that he has no other way to communicate with his son, he may not know any other way. You mentioned possibly leaving him. The mere mention of this shows that you have considered it - perhaps for other reasons. Are you using your son for the last push? Ask yourself, if your husband was physically abusing your son would you stay with him just so he has a father? What do you want out of life? What do you want for your son? . Ask yourself why your marriage is not what you expected, make a decision based on your thoughts, wishes and feelings. Your son will benefit in the end when you decide what's best for you

Answer 4

According to the courts, at least the ones I've dealt with, yes a bad father is better than no father. But morally, no way!

I have been dealing with similar issues. My son's dad and I were not married and the pregnancy was an accident on my part. That is a really long screwed up story that I would be happy to share with anyone who wants to know.

Back to the point though, he left me at 8 months pregnant with no fight, no explanation, just a note that said basically that I made him want to kill himself. He was back 4 days later. Gone again a week later, etc. Then it was months at a time. He would come back, things were great, then he would leave again. The whole while he was using drugs behind my back (not that I didn't know). He would quit using, then come back and not use while he was with me. Then decide to start using again and leave again. The last time he left was almost 4 months ago. I haven't seen or heard from him since. He left our son alone when he was 5 weeks old to go smoke weed. He left him screaming in his crib for 2 and half hours at 3 months old while turning up the tv to drown out the sound. I know this because I set up a recorder to find out how he would be alone with him. Needless to say, he hasn't been alone with him since. He walks in and out of his life and it has really screwed my son up emotionally. He doesn't know what a daddy is. He's only 2 and half. Every time his dad would disappear my son would bang his head against the door screaming "daddy, come home". I have full custody and have tried to encourage him to stay in his life, but now, I will fight to keep him out because he just leaves over and over again. No a bad father is never better than no father at all! Good luck and God bless! I hope this works out for you and your children. =)

Answer 5

I think your husband needs to grow up and realize he is a parent not a child. What happens now will affect your son in the long run. I believe that a bad father is worse. If you are considering leaving I hope there is something worse than your son getting scared.

Answer 6

Considering an abusive father will raise a little boy that will eventually become an abusive husband and father I think being fatherless is sometime better. A lot of great man have been raised by their mother alone. I think it is the most awful what your husband is doing to his son. He will not have visitation alone if you can keep documentation of what he`s doing. I would record what he`s doing and I would see 'secretly' a physiologist to evaluate the child emotional state.

Answer 7

You are not alone. I too am struggling with the same question. From my inquiries to others, they all agree, sure it may be hard doing it alone sometimes, but it won't be as hard seeing your son/daughter damaged from irresponsible and abusive behavior. I have a 15mos old son and I am scared to death with the thought of being with his father (we're not married) for the rest of my life because of his instability and insecurities. Although I understand he would have visitation and probably witness some craziness then, it wouldn't have to be every day, and you can talk about it with you kids about his actions and make them understand that is the very reason you don't live with him. I believe that everyone deserves a happy life and you shouldn't stay with someone just because you have their child. There's better men out there...never settle!

Answer 8

Talk to your husband. Take parenting classes. Let him know that you dont think it is the best way to rear your child and suggest something better. Let him feel like he is the man and making the big decisions. Let him know that you are serious about how you feel, but dont make him feel threatened. When we people are scared they react instead of acting rationally. Be his wife first and let him know that you mean business. If you see that he does not care enough about how you feel and your thoughts to make a change, then you know that real issue lies between you two and your child is just an unfortunate victim. With that information you will know what you are dealing with more and hopefully can come to sound a decision that you wont have to regret. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Answer 9

I can empathize with you. However, it's on the flip side. Why is it that good fathers don't stand a chance in courts that favor and lean towards the mothers, even when the mother is participating in parental alienation? It's just life and the system we have chosen to abide by. It's not always fair and unfortunately, you are not the only person that has even been "wronged" by the system. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, but focus less on him and try to better yourself. I suggest counseling as a start. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

No. As someone with a psychotic monster for a father, I aquired many emotional scars that have had a profound affect on my relationships with other people. The only positive thing I got out of my relationship with my dad is that I know what NOT to do in raising my children. Save your son years of therapy and get out now. If he's a danger to the boy, that can be proven and his visitation will be supervised.

Answer 11

You are in a tough spot...But you have to evaluate what you think is BEST for your son right now...And from what you have written, your son will be very damaged -emotionally and psychologically if your husband continues to harm him like this. The name-calling is just plain stupid, hurtful and immature.

Sounds like your husband has SEVERE issues he cannot deal with, and he is repeating the pattern he saw in his childhood. His parents probably did the same thing to him, so now he's doing it to your son....NOT GOOD.

You have to take a stand and PROTECT your 5-year-old from a sick, frustrated man. Look for help, because you will need it!

I would rather have my child not have a father, than have an abusive one.
Good luck...