Married 17 years and I need your advise?

Question

My husband and I have never had good communication. He does not talk to me or even listen to me. I can tell him something important and the next day he says that I didn't tell him. He shows no feeling toward me except anger and is always finding everything wrong with everything I do. He is very anger about everything! When I try to talk to him about our marriage, he just tells me to shut up and he doesn't listen to anything I have to say. I can honestly say that I believe he doesn't love me. Why else would you treat someone the way he treats me. I am a hard working mother; I hold a full time job with 3 part time jobs on the side and I make sure that the inside of the house is kept up, as well as the outside and I make sure he has a good meal. Even that, he's still always complaining about everything and nothing is good enough.
I'm lonely, I just want a normal marriage with communication. He works long hours but has the weekend off and still won't communicate with me. Please help.

Answer 1

If he won't go to counseling with you, then leave him..You deserve to be happy.

Answer 2

Have you asked him what would make him happy? This might not be the most popular answer, but I had the same problem with my husband. What happened is that he was always saying the house wasn't clean enough. What he meant as "clean" was actually less cluttered. I didn't know this! So when he wanted things "clean" and I dusted the living room table and all the pictures on it, he still insisted that the living room was dirty. So I pulled him into the room and asked him specifically what made it dirty if everything had just been cleaned? He pointed out that the pictures on the front table looked too cluttered, and obstructed his view of the TV. Also, the throw rug we had in there was bothering him...even though he put it there years ago. So after I did these two things, he was much happier.

Seems like that shouldn't make sense, right? But it's true. And it's true throughout the rest of the house as well. There are things I'm going to see as being good enough (though not spotless) and things that he's going to see as being good enough. If I don't do what he thinks is good enough, he's going to get annoyed and frustrated. Believe me, we went through this for MANY years (we've been married 18 years).

In the last year, I made a list of each room in the house and assigned it a "letter grade" like in school. How did he feel I was doing with each room? A, B, C, D, or F? When he would confront me face-to-face, I would just get frustrated and hurt. This way we never had to talk about it but we still sort of communicated.

I know you do a lot already--it sounds like you go above and beyond the call of duty! Maybe he's missed you all this time and you just don't know it. Maybe he wishes you were home more often with him and just doesn't know how to tell you. He's already at a frustrated level, so it's going to be hard for him to admit that he missed you now.

Another thing that helps us is I give him 10-minute massages every now and then. That relaxes him and his overall reaction towards me changes for the better.

Answer 3

I don't know what normal is. Mine pretty much stinks most of the time too. My husband sounds a lot like yours. With the exception that mine does the yard work and won't let me work at all.

I think men have a hard time communicating and they also take what you give him. He is taking advantage of you. Just stop and pray and ask for God's grace in the situation.
My husband just slammed out the door and left after spending 20 minutes yelling and screaming that the house was a pigsty.
#1 its not a pigsty, I keep it clean, not spotless, but in very good shape. he does nothing inside. I can't even get him to get his own drink. I do everything- inside- the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, anything at all to do with the kids.
He never has or will help. Good luck to you on that one. I feel more like a servant than a wife. I do not feel like we are 50%.
We agree on nothing. Its crazy.

So anyway I just let him leave. I used to get up and follow him around as he barked his commands and did whatever he said. I couldn't do it fast enough. It didn't please him anymore than just ignoring him does. So I choose to ignore him. Honestly, either way my heart is torn apart and into shreds after all the insults. It kills me inside a little each time.

Men are so mean and hurtful sometimes.

Anyway- maybe counseling will work, mine won't go. I have just decided to settle for now. Some days are awesome. I used to think we were finally getting somewhere in our marriage. I almost left him in December. Then we worked it out and it has been great since. I think the old him is coming back.

Answer 4

Anger is the result of hurt somewhere -- he feels life has not dealt him a good hand somewhere along the line. Hurt gave way to fear of intimacy and anger. When you talk about marriage he's just inclined to "push back". Separation might wake him up and you'd want to weigh that out very carefully.

You sound like a wife with admirable qualities. I agree with the poster that compliments will help, but they won't go very far if he just "bounces" them away in his mind. A counselor would definitely help, but your husband isn't going to be the type to just head on over to the therapist.

The first thing you might try is being empathetic to try to get him in touch with his feelings. "I can see you had a bad day today. Is there anything I can do to help?" "You look a little sad, can I give you a back rub?" Don't be too intense with the eye contact or comments or he may back right off, but let him know you're focused enough on him to hear what he had to say. Allow space.

Since communication is difficult try dropping notes in his lunch or briefcase or on the dash of the car. "Just thinking about you today"; add a piece of chocolate or beef jerky (you know what he likes). If you can get to his heart, you will slowly find a changed relationship.

Your best weapon here is empathy and kindness before more drastic measures. The way to outside behaviours is definitely through the inside on this one.

Answer 5

If you want to save your marriage be prepared for a lot of work. He is completely closed down and feels like you don't have ANY respect for him (which is probably true, understandably). When you tell him that you need to talk the thought that runs through his mind is "Oh no, not a another bash session".

I know this is probably sound completely unbearable but, tell him what you respect about him (teeth grinding). Tell him how much you appreciate all the work he does (more teeth grinding). I'm guessing by this point you're thinking 'what is this moron talking about? It's not my fault he's acting like this!' You're right, it isn't your fault but, you can only change your behavior, not his.

As much of a jerk as he may be, if you want to save your marriage and make it worth keeping then you have to do it by how you do things, it's the only way to change him.

And, as far as the verbal abuse, accept that you can't stop it but, you can choose to get away from it. Tell him that when he talks badly to you that you're going elsewhere for a while (the night, day, week, whatever). Show him that you will not stand there and be abused.

Convict his heart by your own self control, don't be a door mat, don't yell, scream or curse, simply inform him that you will not allow him to talk to you that way and leave the house for a while.

As difficult as it may be, the quickest (and only) way you are going to change him is by changing yourself

Show him respect before he gets a chance to be angry about something.

Also, tell him that you do your best at dinner if he complains about it, it won't be there to complain about tomorrow.

Answer 6

You need to find out what has made him so angry towards you are is it everyone. Find the root and there will be the problem. He recents you for something you have done or said men just dont get angry about nothing learn to live life happy make your house a haven of peace for you and your children stop looking at him change you and you may see a difference in him it will take a lot of work but if you want to be with him you must start to restore your marriage your story is very simular to a lot of women I talk to change what you can change be a women of virtue and joy men like to be around that type of women laughing and feeling good about who you are do you like yourself or yourbody if you don't that has a lot to do with everything you are going through be blessed

Answer 7

Sounds utterly terrible! There must be something right in this relationship for you to be married 17 years! I can't see where you have the time to communicate with him with a full time job, three part time jobs, and a Mother to boot. You're working yourself into a depression. You might think about getting some counseling to gain some insight and courage to demand that he start attending as well, to save your marriage. If he doesn't....well, you know the alternative. Good luck dear.

Answer 8

Sounds to me like he's checked out of the relationship. He is not happy either. Maybe he is just stressed and overworked. That is no excuse to treat you the way he has been treating you. Stop cleaning the house, make him feed himself, take a vacation! If he doesn't appreciate you when you get back, he never will. Don't get comfortable and be that couple who stayed together because it was easier then separating. You will grow old and resent and hate each other. You have a right to a happy life, just like everyone else in the world.

Answer 9

Are you sure he's not hiding a drug use problem? If he is like this naturally, I am afraid you need to leave him. It will only get worse. How many jobs does he hold down. A real man would be the one working that much so that you can be a good mommy to those children. Try counseling if you really want to make it work. But, @ this point is it worth it for your children to see this kind of example of how Men are to treat Women?

Answer 10

This is what I see because I lived your life for the last 4 yrs so I totally know how you are feeling. The only way our marriage has done a 360 in the last 2 months because I told him flat out to tell me whats going on. We even seperated and that helped so much. I told him what he needed to do to change and keep this marriage going and I asked him what I needed to do also. We are now both working on what each of us dislikes in our marriage and I can tell you I havent been this happy since we dated. Seek marriage counseling also if he is willing to save this marriage. Best of Luck!

Answer 11

I am sorry to hear that but alot of men act that way. I am also married and my husband is the same way. I have suggested that we get marriage counselling and it never happens because he feels that we could solve our own problems. We are separeted right now and that is the best thing that we can do because we do not get along.

Maybe he will realize how much he misses me and the children when we do not see each other anymore. Get counseling, maybe he will be willing to do that. Good Luck to you!!