problems with HER again?

Question

I am engaged, to be married in four months. Almost a year ago, I expressed my feeling that some of his interactions with other females were not appropriate at the level our relationship was going (we were about to be engaged). We discussed it, and while he felt differently than I, both agreed that since I was uncomfortable with us (either him or I) spending time with the opposite sex without the other person there, we wouldn't. From that moment on, his friend (female) has been having a difficult time with our decision. She has asked on several occasions (to my fiance) what would make him happy? He tells her that he wants to remain friends, but at a distance and appropriateness. She continues pushing, claiming me being jealous and controlling-and saying it is unfair that she cannot see him unless I am there. She calls & emails him, in attempt to somehow change the decision we have made together. I am fed up. He wants to remain friends with her, with these boundaries..she's pushing. HELP

Did I mention that they have a history? They dated (several years ago) and have remained flirty friends for years. Did I mention that there has been (almost a year ago) a breach of trust between my fiance and I, because she begged him to come over to talk, and he did? I don't know what to do and feel overwhelmed. I don't wish to be a part of a catty high school drama ring. I love my fiance, and am disturbed that a 25 year old adult cannot understand the boundaries between marriage and friendship. I wish them to be friends-HONESTLY-and wish to be friends with her as well. But she is pushing things to be beyond what my fiance and I are comfortable with. He tells her, I tell her, and all she interperets is that I am jealous and controlling....NOT the case. Thanks!

Answer 1

If she cannot respect the wishes that your fiance and you have, she is not being a very good friend. The fact is she is being controlling in her own way and jealous that he is basically choosing your wishes over hers. She really sounds like she can cause a lot of trouble in your future, and honestly he would probably be wise to be less one friend. You are his future. Friends are important, very important, but when they undermine your relationships, they need to be ended.

Answer 2

Hold on one second.

You are not demanding and controlling? If you are not demanding an controlling him when you told him not to see other females without you being present than I have no clue how to call that.

Girl, grow up. And please KEEP READING as I am not against you, I am trying to help.

To start with, you have very good reasons to be afraid if your fiancé and that girl had a relation before, and have been acting the wrong way too.

But, as history has proven, if you set rules against people’s wish, they will be broken one way or another.

You can not solve your problem by prohibiting him to see females if you are not present. That is retarded and will not work. Trust me. And don’t tell me that you are also under the same rule, because you are not. Just like him, there is going to be a day when you want to go out with a guy, or some guys, and you will do it because you know you will not do anything wrong.

And that is reality. You two need to sit down and talk very seriously about many things. He did wrong by flirting with her if he is with you on a serious relation. But that needs to be controlled by talking and letting him act on his own will.

If you marry him with a chain on his neck, then there is going to be a day when he will scape and you will be ruined. Why would you do that? If you are going to get marry, both of you must do that on their own will, and be mature enough to understand how serious matrimony is, and the responsibility that comes with it.

He is showing he is not mature when flirting with other girls, and you are showing you are not mature when you set those rules that go nowhere.

I suggest you two talk, be honest, ask him to be honest, and try to tell each other everything, good, bad, anything. Let him know how you feel, how much you want to trust him, and how afraid you are of loosing him. And let him explain to you his fears and ideas, and then, only then, start working towards common goals.

In a good relation, communication and understanding are key factors, followed by unconditional love of course. And that means you two will sacrifice for each other. See if he can do that, on his own, and see if you can do that too on your own. No rules, just common sense.

And about that girl. Well, that is a problem that also needs to be discussed. We don’t know her goals. It could be she likes your fiancé and want to get him, or maybe she actually cares about him, and sees you as a bad influence or bad choice.

But whatever is the reason(s) she is in the middle, she must back off. You and your fiancé might have to sit down with her, and have a long talk. Again, if you all are mature, meaning you all are adults that know what you are doing, than there shouldn’t be a problem.

And is obvious that if she insists on being in the middle, then she wants something with him, or she is psycho. In that case, you two must stay away from her. And it has to be mutual agreement, meaning, both you and him must agree honestly that she is not good for the relation.

One more thing, I suggest you two don’t think of getting marry until all these problems have been solved. Otherwise, as I said before, you could end up alone and ruined.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like this female friend would like to have you two break up and her attemps will work if your not careful. Of course she is pushing she wants control of him. Your reaction will play a big part in this. With this don't get all bent out of shape with him. As long as he is telling her to stop and just be friends by a distance, that is a plus for you. Don't play into her hands. Show her what your made of and that your the better person in this situation. Show her the class you have as a Lady. Good Luck

Answer 4

REALLY HIGH RED FLAGS!!! if this little w hore is being pushy and ur soon to be hubby stil takes her calls this is not a good sign. I woudn't get married jsut yet. You have to make sure she's completely out of the picture. Women like this don't care if the guy is married etc. they'll go for the kill without carinb about anyone else's feelings. I would postpone the wedding if i were you. You're not married yet and ur already having crazy drama. I would walk away from him. but first- make him change his phone #'s cell # house # email adress etc. so she won't have a way of reaching him unless he calls her but if he does then sounds like he's not ready to commit to you if he still runs after her too.

Answer 5

Your problem shouldn't be with her. . you're engaged to HIM. Even though she may be pursuing him. . he is the one that is continuing to remain friends with her. . .there has to be a reason for it even if you don't want to believe it. Your fiance isn't completely innocent here. . they may not be physically or romantically involved right now, but there is something about her that he is not willing to let go of and I guarantee you that it is not her friendship. Point your anger and frustration in the right direction. . . Jealousy will get you now where.

Answer 6

Tell her off girl that is your man and if she can not respect that then you need to let her know that also it's to the point now that is disrespectful of her to come in between you and yours the need to back the hell up, but before you do all that also wait until you say I DO before that cause right now still gives your man to leave she has a way for that to happened especially if they still are friends so still though tell her to back the **** up.

Answer 7

My wife wasn't comfortable with me continuing friendships with a couple of women from prior to our marriage. They were true friends and I was completely faithful to my wife. I ended the friendships. Worst decision of my life. True friends are a gift and if they are a threat to a relationship with a significant other the problem lies between the to partners... not with the friends. True friends have no gender.

I think you should examine why you are insistent on this. Perhaps you don't trust your mate. If that is the case.....why are you going to marry him?

Answer 8

listen u better clear things up with her and stick up 4 your
self. she is just a bi*ch trying 2 rewin your happines cause she wants him 4 her self.while you are at it tell her she needs 2 lay off/or in a nice way depends how you are feeling with HER around.tell her this is between you and your fiance and you guys need to handle this. also tell her problems like this are gonna show up later on when you guys get and she is not gonna be there 2 solve your problems. if she doesnt get it bi*tch slap her 4 me please. trust me i've gone through that with a
close friend.

Answer 9

To be honest with you, you arent going to change the past. If he is that certain that he wants her in his life, then it will stay that way. I have always said if you fell in love with them with these people in their lives, You have no right to make them stop. She is part of him, the him you met and began to love. You need to acept the fact that she is in his life and learn to trust him. If he has not "cheated" on you with her before why would he now? If he really loves you, her "flirty" ways wont steer him wrong. Love is stronger than that, of its real. You need to step back and trust him. If you dont trust him enough now then why marry him? Trust is the glue for marriage. Your naggy will drive him away. You cant hog time him to home forever, cuz someday he will get free and you wont see him. I know you dont trust her, which is understandable, but you need to him. Allow him time, just ask that it not be done secretly and that it be occasionally now that he will be married and he needs to act so. just keep your eyes and ears open to her, and trust him.

Answer 10

I think HE has unresolved feelings for HER too!

I would break up with him and tell him to work through whatever issues he has with her. If he comes back to you,, it was meant to be, if not..........consider yourself lucky for not marrying a man who has feelings for another woman. Whatever is going on, you shouldnt dirty a marriage by dragging that kind of business into it.

Remember Diana and Charles........and Camilla and Charles?