My husband has a breakfast date. He's checking out his options. I need advice!?

Question

I caught my husband speaking with a woman on the phone. He knew her several years ago and seemed to have feelings for her. (platonic I thought). He was to see her a year ago and I found out and got it stopped. Now it's to happen again. He says he wants to find out what his life might be like with her. We've been married 30 years. I admit I'm not as excited about him when he walks into the room like I used to be. I have gotten out of shape and can't do some things, but I am willing to try to change. I am beside myself with this breakfast. I want to call her and threaten her...or Maybe I'll "show up" at it and make a scene..or I'm considering just getting into the car that morning and refusing to get out. If he wants to go to breakfast with her, he's taking me too. I am hoping counseling will help us and I called someone today but haven't heard back when we can get it. In the meantime WHAT do I do about this meeting he has planned. Help me figure out what to do!

Answer 1

That's pretty blatant of your husband to say that he was checking out what life would be like. Seems no matter what you to try to stop him, he'll only want to do it even worse or even acuse you back of sobotage. Just say if goes through with this, you will explore other options including divorce. At this point in your life, fiancial stability is very important. He will protect himself as do you.

Answer 2

Your husband is unbelievably cruel, to discuss options with other women WITH you while still MARRIED to you. Has he always been this selfish and self-absorbed? If I were you, I'd just say, "Please don't do this," before he leaves (to register your opposition), then let him go to breakfast, and then on to work -- and by the time he got home, the locks would be changed, and his suitcase would be sitting on the front steps. He wants to explore other options? Go right ahead, but not on your time.

Do NOT make a scene, do not insist on accompanying him. It is undignified and beneath you. Call a divorce lawyer NOW and see what your options are, and start collecting information on your finances, etc. Copy, copy, copy! If you can, get a private detective between now and then and arrange to have him photographed at this breakfast with this woman. It will be a piece of evidence, in case you need it later. Make sure you save the cell and phone records, too, to track phone calls. He is acting like an idiot, it doesn't mean that you have to, too. Besides, there's no guarantee that this woman will want to have anything to do with him. Take that s.o.b. for all he's worth. You can try counseling, but frankly, he's so incredibly self-centered, it takes my breath away. I can't see where it would do much good if he's in the throes of a massive dose of mid-life crisis. (Or, if he were my husband: "Mid-life crisis?" You ain't SEEN 'crisis' yet, buddy!")

Answer 3

Has your husband agreed to go to counseling with you? If so, ask him to hold off on having breakfast until you've had a few sessions. After 30 years of marriage it is ridiculous that he would say he wanted to see what his life might be like with someone else. Reading between the lines, it sounds like your marriage is over as far as he is concerned.

Making a scene or intefering with his plans to meet this woman will only frustrate you. Let him go. In the meantime, schedule a breakfast meeting of your own--with a good attorney.

Whatever else you do, go ahead with the counseling, with or without him. Sounds like you have spent a lot of years being your husband's emotional doormat. He's letting you know he wants to see if he can "trade up," and all you can do is criticize yourself? You really need the counseling.
Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Okay, this is completely against good sense... but then again, you want to know how to win and this is how... after the breakfast date, do not show ANY negative emotion. Don't show that you are hurt. If you do you will loose him. Instead, sit down and ask him how he felt. Tell him that you too have thought about where other people are in their life. Tell him that you have also had doubts and wondered about things. Then, ask him whether he thinks that your marriage is something that you both want. IF YOU TRY TO CHANGE THIS YOU WILL LOOSE YOUR MARRIAGE. If you open up a non-threatening dialog - where he can be open with you without hiding emotions; then you might get somewhere. Instead of counselling, find yourself a friend who you can talk to. The more you seem indifferent to his infractions; the more likely you are to stay together. But dear, your marriage may already be over. People leave marriages all of the time before they tell their spouse. This is just your best chance of keeping him. Velvet chains.

Answer 5

My husband went through this a year ago with him and another woman and he stayed with me. Once the excitement of it being new and different wore off. I'm going through it now with another man. We met at 14 and got married at 18 so we just had no other experiences. I don't know your background with your husband but it may all work out.

Answer 6

Your husband should not even consider meeting a woman who he still may have feelings with! This is just plain wrong, and you should really consider sitting him down and talking with him.

Present the 'shoe one the other foot' and see how he would react if the situation was the other way around. Him wanting to see another woman, will only open the door to disaster in your marriage. Because not only is your husband 'fantasizing' about how it would be like to with this other woman, but now he will have the opportunity to actually act it out, by meeting her.

If you want a failed marriage, you letting your husband see this woman, will result in a failed marriage; because who is not to say, that he and this woman will not do something more after seeing eachother?

Oh, and definitley introduce yourself as his WIFE, if in fact you decide to be Ok with him seeing another woman. Make it clear to both him and her, that you are his mate.

Answer 7

first off, be careful not to do anything rash or making a scene at the breakfast. that will only cause him to further want to see this woman and further doubt that your relationship is as strong as maybe his could be with this woman. imagine if you made a scene while they were talking, flirting, etc etc. He would only be embarressed over you and feel sorry for her, further drawing himself to her.

what you need to do is sit him down and tell him exactly how this makes you feel. that to you, this is cheating. he may not do anything physical with this woman, but he's opening the door to it. and even worse, he's cheating on you with someone else on an emotional level. it's one thing if he clicks with someone or there's some instant chemistry with someone. but for him to go out there and pursue this chemistry further is infidelity of the heart. and you need him to know that's how you feel. that cheating isn't just about doing something physical. and if he does this, then you will consider this cheating and clearly it shows how little he cares for your feelings.

he may try to say it's just breakfast and he just wants to have a little harmless fantasy. but nothing about this is harmless. you can't control your emotions, only your actions. and he's opening himself up to letting his emotions grow so strong that he could end up just wanting to physically cheat or even worse, get a divorce.

ask him to imagine what he would think if you did the same thing. if you met a man you were romantically interested in for breakfast or coffee. Just because you wanted to see what life would be like with him. See if he can HONESTLY tell you that he wouldn't care.

also suggest to him that even after this if he insists on having breakfast, that he push it off until you guys get a chance to go see a counselor because you NEED to understand why he needs to do this and why he's willing to do this at the expense of hurting you badly.

if after all of this, he still won't budge, then he sounds like a bigger jerk than you're describing and i can only wish u the best of luck and brace yourself. the guy is taking you for granted and that's not fair. but you have to start thinking, unfortunately, for the worse.

good luck.

Answer 8

You need to decide if you are happy with who you've become.

If you are not happy with who you are then why should your husband.

It sound like you have grown complacent and your husband wants more than that.

I would say figure out what you can do to better yourself and do it.

Love is a wonderful, yet fragile thing. To keep it you need to keep risking all of yourself and still there are not securities that it will stay.
Great love requires great risk.

Answer 9

First of all.....you sound like you are blaming yourself for his stupid actions....stop!!!!....you have all the right in the world to be mad as hell...he is married to you not her.....theirs a girl my husband thinks about from time to time and it bothers me but i know i'm a good womaen and if he ever ask me can he go out with her just to see what it would have been like then he can just kiss my azz bye for good....because he is saying in other words he don't thnk that you are good enough for him...and that's a slap in your face . You are not a door mat don't let him walk over you. He should have thought of this girl before yall got married. ask him if he want to be with her go and don't come his azz back....30 years is along time to be married for him to start acting stupid now......just know it's not your fault and he is just being a sorry azz man.,..and don't tell that women nothing a ho** is gonna be a ho*** nothing you can do about that but as far as your husband eal with him

Answer 10

If you have been married for 30 years, you must be in your 50's or at least last 40's. Get rid of his azz, get him busted for adultry and take him for all he is worth. If he is saying things like that to you, he honestly must not be happy with your relationship. Sorry to be so harsh. Bust his balls and take everything he has, including money.