My Husband is cheating, I can Forgive, But.....?

Question

My Husband is having an affair with another married woman. I have been in a living hell. I want so much for him to be with me. He says he is confused. The other woman wants to leave her husband, to be with mine! She is waiting for him to leave me. We have 2 very small children, they love their father so much, I work nights, so he is there every night giving them dinner, bathing them, playing with them. They will be crushed if he is not home. I will be crushed, I love him and want this to work out, Is it possible for him to return his love to me, if he thinks he is in love with this other woman, will he realize the effects it will have on his children. He is still home with me, if he doesn't love me, why is he still here? is there any hope?

I love my husband I don't want sympathy I want to know how to return his love to me, is there a way I asked him about marriage counceling. he said no, I love him What do I do? What do I say? Do I back off, do I keep asking please help

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you right now, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think that your best chance to save your marriage is to go through marriage counseling. You really need a professional third party to help you and your husband to sort all of this out. He owes you at least this much. This way, you will know if you can work this out or need to move on with your life. Good luck.

Answer 2

I feel for you and all that you are going through. This is where you fight for your husband. Hard. Winning him back could be the hardest thing you have ever done. And it won't happen overnight.

The good news is he is talking to you and you know he is confused. He is very vulnerable right now and you have no time to lose. Not only should you get into counseling right now but you should also look at why he strayed in the first place. Sure- he was selfish and immature to fool around with another woman. What can you do to keep him from either doing it again or going back to her and leave you and your kids entirely? I don't mean getting crazy in bed. Take a moment and listen to what he says when you talk and see if he keeps repeating wants or needs.

At the same time, you need to be strong- not only for your kids but for yourself. You did nothing wrong to get into this position and it isn't your fault so don't collapse in a weeping heap. You, your kids, and even your husband need you to be strong to keep the family together.

Good luck.

Answer 3

My condolences for your situation. First of all, you gave no indication of how long this affair has been going on. I can assume it has been a while if she is talking about leaving her husband for yours. If this is the case, I would think it goes beyond infatuation, with two little ones and working nights you have probably had little time or energy for your husband, that's NORMAL! Some men look for ROMANCE elsewhere during these times, I don't condone it, but I do understand it. If your relationship with your husband had been essentially solid and the affair short term I would expect a reconciliation would be possible, difficult but possible. Remember though it is easy to forgive, impossible to forget. SIT HIM DOWN AND DRAW THE LINE IN THE SAND. Insist he choose and end the affair. One time only offer of amnesty. If he refuses or cheats again he can pack his bags and accept visitation rights. Be firm, but loving and above all be honest with yourself and him about your feelings. No good mother needs to tolerate a cheating husband. I'm not a perfect husband or father but I know what I have shared is honest and true.

Answer 4

Living with all this uncertainy has got to be Hell. But stop giving him all the control in this situation. It sounds like you have given him the right to pick and chose who he wants. As hard as this is going to be on you and your kids, unfortunately it's life, kids and education are for life but husbands are not necessarily so. I think you should take control no matter how hard and make the decisions that are good for you and your kids. You asked why he's still there, well it could be that this other married woman isnt disconnected from her spouse yet or he could be secretly gettin those finances together to save for an apartment for his new woman. His idea about marriage is not the same as yours and you need to disconnect from this person who is unwilling to be the husband you desire. Sounds like he is selfish as well cause he could care less about how its going to affect them. I say cry those tears, recover and someone who has the same ideas about marriage will show up in your life. I know everthing I've said is easier said than done but living like your living shouldnt be an option either.

Answer 5

Cheating is a very selfish act and he probably doesn't realize what it is doing to you or what it might do to the kids b/c he's being selfish currently. Sit him down and talk to him...tell him just what you said...the kids adore you and for you to not only leave but then sometime down the road for them to realize you cheated...how will that affect them? And what about your vows? And what about the woman and her husband? Does the other guy know about this? Isn't your husband concerned about THEIR family either? What if you left him for someone else? Try giving him numerous examples...if all that doesn't work, suggest counseling...but I gotta warn you, if he's so into this, it may be too late. And in the end, what if he wants to come back to you? Will you let him when he gets tired of her? Just be careful.

Answer 6

First start with marriage counseling. Things may come out that you or he has not realized before. Things each of you take for granted in each other, or being ignored by the other. Get things out in the open, but not in a destructful manner. Keep in mind not to say things in hatred or anger, because once it is said it is not forgotten. You can say sorry all you want but it doesn't erase it from a memory.
And if that doesn't work for you, there IS life after divorce. It may be difficult for you and the children at first, but you can be strong for you kids sake. Right?

Answer 7

It is a possibility for a marriage to be improved & communication expanded by infidelity & following counseling.

The only way you could have any hope in continuing this relationship for the sake of your children is to see a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity.

It's important for him & you to understand what pushed him towards an affair & to rectify the issues.

If neither of you are willing to talk this out with a therapist, I dont know if there's much you can do. 50% divorce rate in USA.

Most people who cheat, continue to cheat & even if he leaves you & ends up with this other woman, he'll probably cheat on her & she'll probably cheat on him since she cheated on her husband. Monogamy is not a natural human behavior, and is societal in nature, and understanding the genetic impulses behind the urge to cheat & the lack of control to stop these impusles is important.

I recommend the book "The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity & Infidelity in Animals & People"

Counseling & making sure you're communicating fully & honestly (no matter how much it may hurt to get some things out) is the most important part of saving a marriage touched by infidelity. The success rate for these couples goes up dramatically. You may even need separate counseling in addition to couples counseling.

IF HE WONT DO COUNSELING, IT MEANS HE DOESN'T WANT TO TRY & YOU SHOULD MOVE ON.

Answer 8

I hope you see this through the sea of responses.

I am familar with this type situation. It is all together possible that he may not love his family less because of this other woman. She may be just a recreation, but his family is his vocation. Definitely, he needs to make a decision, since both want him full time.

The decision is if he willing to give up his kids(and you) for the other woman? Who will be the vocation and who will be the recreation?

If he concludes the children are too precious to leave he will "return" to you, as you part of that life. So he needs to realize how much his life is vacant without his family.

Answer 9

My mother stayed in this type of situation for years and believe me if she would have divorced my dad, us kids would have been 100% better off. First I should say though, that I am so very sorry you are going through this. Your husband is so wrong and hurting so many lives. Could you really ever forgive and FORGET? I know I sure couldn't (forget anyway). Please seek counseling. You may have to get another job, but you owe it to yourself (and your kids) not to be treated like a doormat.

John S, hit the nail on the head when he said he may be staying because he doesn't want to pay you child support. That's exactly what happened with my dad

Answer 10

Yes, it is possible for you to rebuild your marriage.

But, you cannot even start until he stops his affair.

You may need to set a time frame and let him know that you really want to work hard on rebuilding your marriage, but it is to painful and hurtful to you to have him continuing the affair. Don't give him to long as he will wait until the last minute. In the mean time, get some legal advise and protect yourself as he is not thinking very clearly now and may not play fair later on. Arrange for some counseling (certified in marriage counseling) and ask you husband to join you to help you and your children cope with this mess.

I suggest you get the following book :
"Surviving an Affair" by W. Harley
Marriagebuilders.com

Also, "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass.

The following yahoo group has many helpful articles saved in files:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

A few support groups that have experience with infidelity:

http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/