Would having a baby save a relationship?

Question

My girlfriend and I are on the verge of losing each other. We love each other dearly but, her family does not approve of me. We are both financially stable and ready for a child. We both feel trap but, she must(cultural differences) think of her family (WANTS AND NEEDS)first before herself. She's Chinese form Hong Kong and I am mixed asian and caucasian. But, not traditional as you can tell.

Will having a baby save our relationship? Will it help us get out of this cultural rut that we are in? We are both stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

I know she doesn't mind having a baby with me, even if it's accidental. The reason why I'm asking is would it give us a good enough reason or excuse so her family would just give up.

They want her to marry this guy that's full blooded chinese and boring. It should say that its almost an arrange marriage and I am getting desperate here of losing her.

What should I do? have a baby with her or not?

How far shouldI go?

Can you also give a reason why it would help or the reason why it wouldn't Please? Thank you!

Oh and we are in love with each other. Again, it's acultural differences.

Our relationship is good except for the mother.

Answer 1

Get her pregnant and send her off to marry the boring Chinese guy... MWUHAHAHA!

Answer 2

Adding a child to your mix of issues will make things dramatically worse especially for her.

Think about it. Already the family is trying to dictate to her how to live and who to live with. Throw in a pregnancy and they'll go through shock as well as being insulted and dishonoured. That isn't gloing to make them leave you two alone, if anything that is going to increase the pressure on her to marry the guy the parents select so that she can have the kid while married.

Then there's you and her. I'm sure you have enough stress already, adding a child is going to add to that stress. Kids are happy events when you have a stable happy marriage and you can both share in raising the child but when the relationship is shaky adding a child will simply increase the stress to the point where everything may fall apart in the end.

It seems to me you don't really have very many choices. As long as your girl friend feels she must adhere to the rules of her parents and as a result does, you're going to lose in the end. Don't blame her for this. Family influence is very powerful especially in many Asian cultures, so she's really living out the programming that she's faced from the day she was born.

You could try to help her understand that she's free to make her own decisions and she may even accept this and agree with you and yet do nothing. It's incredibly difficult to break free because in such situations there is an incredibly powerful bond between parents and child. To break free often means to give up the family and that's almost impossible for them to do.

I once had a Chinese girl friend who had similar beliefs. We were incredibly in love, it was so intense that it hurt and we couldn't bear being apart. And yet she too allowed her family to dictate what she was to do, placing me in second place in her life. We didn't survive.

All I can suggest is that you try to help her understand her rights and try to be supportive if she does try to break free. And if she can't, I'd start looking for a new girl friend because the odds are that the family is going to win. She has to decide what's more important, her life or her family's wishes. Since her family is not going to have to live with her, it seems to me that her life is more important. She also has to decide whether you are more important than her family. I'd not marry her if I had to then follow her family's edicts instead of following a path the two of you feel is best for you. Once she's made those decisions there may be hope if you can help her through the trials that will come up.

There is another option too though. I presume you're both adults so there's nothing stopping you from just getting married now and telling the parents afterwards. That too would result in the family going into shock but at the same time it would settle who she is to marry, getting you two to divorce would not be acceptable to the family either. The only problem with that solution is that they may disown her, leaving her only the odd relative who might be willing to continue to communicate with her. That can also be a hell of a price to pay though it would certainly set her free.

I know this isn't a happy answer, I'm sorry. Good Luck!

Answer 3

No, having a baby will just cost you more when it ends. First, fix the issue, then have a baby. If her family will not accept you then she needs to decide if the customs with which she was raised are more inportant than you. First though, you must decide if she is important enough to ask her to sacrifice her upbringing to stay with you. If either of these is not the case, move on and be happy for the time you shared. If they are in fact both the case, sit down with her family and explain how the two fo you feel and if the family choses not to accept it, then the family will lose out on those very same traditions by not being able to spend time with the grandchildren that come from the loving relationship that the two of share. Family and traditions can only be allowed to ruin ones life but so much, the question is, how much are you two willing to allow.

Answer 4

If her family is dead set against you, having a baby will only make them hate two people in this world. You and the innocent child. They will blame you for getting her pregnant, make her keep the baby, but will consider it a bastard. How will that help your relationship? If she's not willing to put you or even herself before her family, why do you think she would even consider a plan like this? Children are meant to be brought into the world to raise and bring joy. They should have the opportunity to be loved by all those around them, but they aren't meant to have a job before they are even born. You can blame the mother if you would like, but ultimately your girlfriend is an adult, if she chooses to go along with the arranged marriage, then that is what she is choosing to do. A baby won't stop that, it would probably just live a life of misery instead.

Answer 5

Are you kidding? If you are having relationship problems of ANY kind, then the very, very, very LAST thing you should do is have a baby together. Having a baby is the very worst thing you can do, as it will only complicate matters, and you will be financially and emotionally obligated to support that child, even if the relationship does not work out. Make the relationship work FIRST. Sit down with her and discuss this. Decide what you want to do. Get counseling. Do SOMETHING. But unless it DOES work out and you are married, do NOT have a child. You are better off losing her and looking for someone that is more compatible with you. I'm sorry if I am being harsh, but this is a serious thing you are considering. It hurts, but that's life. Deal with it, preferably with logic and a rational mind, not emotion, which will only get you into trouble. Good luck!

Answer 6

No. Having a baby never saves a relationship. If a relationship isn't working and is destined to end it will end with or without the baby. If a baby is used as a means of fixing things, then there's a third person thrown into the mess. The cultural differences must be difficult for you, but having a baby won't make her family willingly accept you. Instead they will be forced to accept things and/or never accept things and be angry about the situation. A number of my friends were born as a result of their parents trying to fix their relationship and the parents ended up splitting up anyway. Sorry. You're gf has to decide if she's willing to compromise her familial relationships and stay with you, or leave you and keep a solid relationship with her parents.

Answer 7

Honestly, Im against the whole have a baby to save a relationship aspect. But given the details... I would have never married my husband had we not gotten pregnant. We were on the verge of giving up as well when we found out I was pregnant and it was a hard adjustment, but Im so glad today that it happened. Going through the pregnancy and birth and seeing him reacte with our son. Wow I fell head over heals for him. I am so glad it happened otherwise I would have let the man of my dreams slip through my fingers. If youguys feel its the only way to convince family and stay together go for it. I can tell you love her and would love your child, so why not. If its what you want- then why not? Good luck, and happy baby making!

Answer 8

I agree with the other answers...Having a baby would be a major mistake, since things are difficult already...

As I understand, if she is from Hong Kong and her family is very traditional, she would be totally disgraced and even cut off from her family should she DARE have a child...Not only is she NOT married, she would be dishonoring her family's name -and that kind of guilt is the one that could stress her beyond belief...

The best thing I can think of is from some sacrifice on your part. Have you even met her parents? If you haven't, and you and she really love each other, then perhaps you could ask them for time so you can meet and there, in their faces, you explain to them that you love her and you believe she is the woman for you. People are not stupid, and if you are serious and in love- it will show....True love cannot be hidden!

I think that if her parents see the two of you together and they SEE with their own eyes that you ARE in love, then they might reconsider their position...and perhaps give their blessing.
Good luck!

Answer 9

Oh my god, no! A baby will NOT save your relationship. Trust me, it ruinned one of mine. A baby will only amplify problems. Either your girlfriend needs to stand up to her parents, or you two need to go your separtate ways. I understand the cultural issues here, but really it is a personal matter of if you or her family is more important. Do not complicate matters. Things could go terribly wrong for you and THE CHILD. Unless a real accident occurs, you should not have a baby. If you can work things out, and you still want to have a child, then by all means go for it.

Answer 10

IT depends some it makes it stronger some it just makes it harder.Some look at a baby as you both put a lot of love into it and if you help her out with the baby then yes.Some on the other hand once the baby comes the woman is so busy with the baby the man gets jealous and his needs are not meet so i would sit down and decide if your willing to put 100 percent into it

Answer 11

Your girlfriend - regardless of heritage - is her own independent person. As far as I know, the Chinese culture is not one in which the woman's life is at risk for disobeying her family's wishes (unfortunately in some cultures this is the case); your girlfriend needs to decide what is more important. Her parents' wishes and cultural heritage, or her relationship with you. You need to decide what is more important to you; her family's acceptance, or your relationship with your girlfriend. Together, you need to be in agreement for this relationship to continue.

Bringing a child into this situation would be borderline abusive. The child needs stability and an enviornment free of tension in order to thrive. Knowing that it's birth caused a huge rift (and it will) among your families will likely scar the child for life, leaving it with little sense of belonging or value. And there's no saying that her family would suddenly accept you simply because there is a grandchild in the picture. They could possibly alienate you even more, making it difficult for you to see your own child.

Bottom line: don't project your issues, uncertainty, and family issues onto an unborn innocent. Be responsible, accept life's limitations, and decide with your girlfriend what the best course of action is. My feeling is that if the relationship is a priority to her, she will make her own decision and stop limiting herself by her parents' need to control her.