Unfaithful husband ... should I go back?

Question

I am in a difficult stage in my marriage. About a month ago I found out my husband was cheating on me with a co-worker. I asked him to leave the house. He insists on moving back home and try to work things out. He is willing to go to counseling. I was at a point were I just wanted to get a divorce and start a new life, because it is not the first time he has been unfaithful. Before getting married, we had an on and off relationship for about 8 years and he was unfaithful a few times. We got married a little over a year ago and had a baby – who is 10 months old right now. This makes it a little harder to let go of him. Besides him being unfaithful, he is a wonderful man. I am still deeply in love with him. I don’t know if I should give this another try or let it go. Please advise …

Answer 1

Well, in most cases, past behavior is indicitive of future behavior. There IS a good chance he will cheat again. As HIS WIFE, and the one cheated on, the ball is in your court. You can choose to stay, or walk away at no fault to you.

We cannot answer this for you here. Do you have a pastor or priest or trusted older family member you can talk to???? I also suggest counceling....if he wont go, at least YOU go.

Good luck to you. NO man or woman deserves to be cheated on. Ever.

Answer 2

In the long run, do you think you can ever trust and rely on him? Is he going to make you happy? Do you mind having to share him every now and then?

The reason I ask is because some people don't require fidelity, and others do. If it's not a deal breaker for you, then you should go back. Since you were ready to get a divorce, I think you should spend a little more time examining your feelings. It could be he's trying to distract you from the truth of your feelings and get you while you're vulnerable. Like sand in the eyes...a diversion tactic.

I think if you spend a little more time separated, you will be able to decide for yourself if you really love him, are merely addicted to the comfort he offers, or have been manipulated so much you can't see straight. Take time to figure it out!

With all the HIV, STD, VD, you can't be having a partner stepping out on you all the time. He might bring home some HIV and your child will be parentless in her late teens!

Answer 3

Personally, I do not subscribe to the belief that once a cheater, always a cheater. I believe that people can make mistakes, learn from them, move on and never repeat them again. However, I do not believe that your husband falls into that category. He has proven himself to be a habitual adulterer. I really feel for you. I understand how painful it must be to be so in love with someone who is either incapable or unwilling to love you back in the manner in which you deserve. The fact that you have a child together only amplifies those feelings, I am sure. But you have to ask yourself if you are okay with him sleeping with other women while he is supposed to be dedicated to you alone. If the answer to that question is no....then I would advise you to move on with your life and let him pursue all the women he wants without you waiting at home for him. This guy sounds like a real jerk and you are better off without a man than you are with this man.

Answer 4

I guess the first question I would have to ask is 'why did he cheat'? I don't agree with the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' mentality. Often, people who are honestly in love with their spouses make mistakes. Maybe they're feeling down about themselves and someone other than their spouse shows some serious interest in them and that makes them feel good about themselves. Maybe sometimes they feel drawn to the the 'newness' of a new relationship. Many times a cheating spouse feels caught in a rut and needs help figuring out what to do about it. It doesn;t automatically mean they don't love you or will go out and do it again. I say give it a chance, but specifically find out what led to the cheating and figure out what to do to keep that temptation from happening again. Marriages can often become tepid or stale and hit rough patches... it's the couples that work together to keep life fresh and exciting that work out the best.

Answer 5

This is a tough one. I can tell you I was married for 17 years and I let my ex go. I could not live with a man that was unfaithful, and why would I want a man that does not want me. Life is hard single but I am managing. You will too. Only you can decide what is right for you, however you deserve #1 to be happy, #2 you deserve to be respected and appreciated. #3 It is you who needs to be comfortable with the decision and be able to look at yourself in the mirror. There are men out there who are good and faithful. You deserve the best. Is your current spouse giving you what you deserve? If not then get out. If you feel this is workable then go to couseling but remember usually once a cheater always a cheater.

Answer 6

What a strange question, don't you know that an unfaithful husband IS an abusive husband also? AND a husband who is so close to his friends that I come second IS unfaithful! I'd rather be single!

Answer 7

Every situation is different, so you cant pigeonhole "cheaters" and the people who say once a cheater always a cheater dont know what theyre talking about. If you are still deeply in love with him and he is deeply in love with you and he is prepared to go to counselling, then to me, that would seem like the most logical answer. Why go through the pain of loving someone but divorcing them if you dont have to. At least give counselling a try.....many couples have come through infedility healthier and happier due to counselling. I would give it a try if I were you but make sure you have your first appointment with the counsellor booked before even considering taking him back. Maybe let him court you for a while while you are in counselling. After a few sessions of counselling you will know if you are prepared to take him back as your husband. Give it a go I say.

Answer 8

The question is this. Do you want to live with a man who has a track record of lying and cheating? If you can live with this then let him come home and work out the terms under which you will live together. If you don't want to live with this then move on. If he starts feeling bad and begging please know that it is not your responsibility to appease him. If you decide to let him continue being your husband the very least you should do is insist upon STD testing now and for every 3 months for the next 5 years. You do need to protect yourself.

Answer 9

It is hard to believe that he will change, but if you are in love with him and can honestly forgive him and believe that he can and will change, it is worth a shot. You have to set the ground rules if you decide to try though, he can not determine them. Have him write you a letter apologizing to you for cheating on you and it must contain his name and her name and the date it is written. Have him write in the letter that he promises you he will never cheat again because he knows there will not be another chance to save your marriage. Once you read it and you are satisfied, take the letter and seal it in an envelope and put it in a safe deposit box that only you have access to. Let him know that is where it will stay as long as he is faithful and true to you, but if he ever pulls another stunt, you will pull it out, mail copies to his family with additional details about the new affair and let them know this is why you are divorcing him. Oh and the original will go to your lawyer as proof that he is a lying, cheating snake and you want to take him for all you can.

Answer 10

Make him go to counseling BEFORE you let him move back in. He cheated, so he can do things on your schedule now. If he is serious, this should be something he can agree too. It also gives you some time to see if he is unfaithful again. Good luck.