Should I marry him if he's been verbally abusive?

Question

My finacee is a great guy who is very loving and caring but can also lose his cool and verbally abuse me. We are due to get married in 3 mths but I am not sure if I should. he has hit me once in the past and even twisted my arm. I told this to my parents who want me to call off the wedding, then his came to know and they were very upset with him.
Now that he's accountable to his parents and mine, and has wept and promised to change can I/should I trust him? He says he lived 24 yrs without me so obvi it will take him time to change. I'm so confused because when he talks in that crude, derogatory manner it is very painful and I feel small (among other things, he has called me a `liar' for petty things; threatened to `smack' me etc.). He has promised to control his language as well and treat me with more respect.
Does anyone know if thats possible? Can he really change? or is it likely to be superficial? Please help! He says he loves me more than life. We've been together for 2 yrs.

he was extremely embarrassed and shamed when his family found out.

Answer 1

In one word... NO!

You should NOT marry this man! You should actually call off the entire relationship!! ANY man (or woman for that matter) who has been emotionally, verbally and/or physically abusive WILL remain that way!!

In fact, once the marriage takes place it will PROBABLY GET WORSE!! I hate to break that to you but it is TRUE! Once they "have" you... they think they now OWN you and will do whatever they want at that point... thinking that you no longer have ANY right to leave (and it WILL be harder for you to leave since you WILL be married at that point!)

I have been in a few emotionally and physically abusive relationships and its just NOT FAIR to you to subject yourself to that, let alone sign LEGAL documents BINDING yourself to him! You WILL live to regret it if you do, in fact, go through with the wedding!!

Why would you WANT to be w/ someone who treats you like that!? Also.. think about your future children!! Not only is he going to be abusive to you... but more then likely he will be abusive to your children as well!! And that is NOT FAIR to bring kids into a situation like that!

I KNOW, from experience that it is EXTREMEMLY difficult to get "out" of a relationship like the one you are in! They have a way of "reeling you in" and making you feel SO LOVED and SO GREAT! Then it somehow turns and they start making you feel small and insignificant. They also have a way of making YOU feel guilty and like YOU are the "reason" they have lost thier temper or gotten so "upset!" They make you feel like you have no other CHOICE and that NO ONE else could ever POSSIBLY love you the way that they do (that you are in some way "damaged goods")

BELIEVE ME!! I KNOW how hard it is to "break the pattern," but you CAN and you SHOULD!! You DESERVE better! You DESERVE a man that will treat you with RESPECT, VALUE your thoughts, opinions and in EVERY WAY put YOUR well being (in mind, body and soul) ABOVE his own!

He should NEVER make you feel "small!" He should NEVER make you feel guilty, bad or ashamed of who you are! He should NEVER NEVER NEVER hit you (or twist your arm or whatever it is that he has done in the past!)

Yes, he WILL SOUND sorry and he might even FEEL bad and be telling the truth... but he will NOT stop! PLEASE dont marry this man... you will only be opening yourself up to a WORLD of heartache!!

And another thing that you might want to know (for FUTURE referance and relationships). Dont EVER talk to your parents about ANY "problems" in your relationships! I KNOW that you want to confide in them and that you want thier opinion, etc.... BUT when the "fighting" is over and you are ready to forgive and forget... your parents WONT!! They will ALWAYS "hold a grudge" b/c you will ALWAYS be thier precious baby girl! They will ALWAYS want the best for you and even though YOU might be able to move "past" some situations.. they will NEVER forget and NEVER be able to "see" that person again the way they once did!! Its just a bad idea to invite them in to your PERSONAL affairs when it comes to relationships!! Its better to simply talk to a friend or keep it btwn you and your significant other! Just letting you know!

I really hope that you LISTEN to all of the advice that you are getting from this question b/c MANY of us have LIVED through what you are going through right now!! I KNOW that its hard and I know you WANT to believe in him and you WANT to believe in LOVE and that he can change and that you will have this WONDERFUL life full of great times, love and respect.... but its NOT going to happen.. at least not with him!!

Find someone who is WORTHY of your love and devotion!! You may hurt NOW if you break it off.. but it will hurt a lot LESS if you do it NOW rather then AFTER you are married!! And you WILL find that perfect man!! (I did!)

Take care and God Bless and I hope that you really do have a happy life w/ someone who treats you the way you DESERVE to be treated!

Answer 2

I'm marreid to a guy like that, without the physical abuse...don't do it! These guys are manipulative! There's always an excuse, then they will eventually blame you for what they did in some form or another so they can justify in their mind what they did.

Dont' spend the rest of your life feeling like a coward and then eventually having so self confidence. I was someone with the world ahead of me and fell in love (or thought I was), too young and too nieve! Now I have two beautiful children married to an alcoholic, fat and no where to go, I was a beautlful girl with ambition, college scholarships, homecoming queen, lots of friend. Now I ahve none of those things, the only good in my life is my children, and I wouldn't change that for the world, but to be honest they just compound the problem.

Postpone the wedding, and get away. Do some soal searching, do you have the same goals, likes and dislikes in life and do you actually see the happening?

Answer 3

Sweetie if he has hit you and verbally abused you and hasn't changed in 2 years, marriage is not going to make him change now. That will only make things worse as you will be legally tied to him. He already considers that he "owns" you, marriage will make him think you are his lock, stock and barrel. Do you really want to marry a man who hits you and abuses you in anyway, verbal or physical? You deserve better than that. Just like he came along, someone else will come along. And you know, some people will say for him to "get counseling" but I say it's hard to teach an old dog a new bark. If he's already hit you and you stayed, he's tasted blood now and he knows that he can say and do what he wants to you and you won't leave. And his weeping and promises, don't you ever watch TV? Lifetime Television for Women is chalked full of movies like this. Men who abuse their wives, beg and cry and say they are sorry, then he ends up killing her and hiding the body. And YES, I am deliberately trying to scare you. You should be scared. Get out while you can. This man doesn't love you, he wants only to possess you as property. Call a shelter, get family help, do what you have to do but don't marry him. If you do you will regret it all your days.

Answer 4

I can tell you how it ends if you get married. Things are really nice through the first few months because, he changed. Then he starts verbally abusing you again, to comensate for his own short commings, and when the verbal abuse does not work for him, you start wearing sweaters in the middle of july to cover your bruises. But that's not even the worst part, you decide to have children in all of this madness. Soon he can't just bruise you, you are in the hospital with a few broken bones, mom and dad have the kids, and kids start telling your mom and dad about what your life is really like. At the end of your journey, when you are finally leaving him, your daughter brings home a guy just like her daddy. And so the cycle goes. That is the story of most woman in my family. I stayed with a man like that for 10 months. In that time I was beaten countless times, and had a few broken ribs. It will not kill you, but it's very painfull. My daughter was not old enough to remember anything. I now am married to a man that would throw himself off a building before he would abuse me. Choice is yours.

Answer 5

This is a hard thing to decide, because yes, i believe people can change if there really willing to and really want to, but he could also change and then go back to be this way,,,,i'd say to put the wedding off awhile, tell him to get help, some counsleing or if he won't go for that, i know how men can be, then just help him and stand by him and the next time he does something that makes you feel little tell him, say this is what I'm scared of, this is what i want to change, talk, talk talk, that's the key to a relationship and to working things out is to always talk about things,...hope it works out

Answer 6

I agree with your parents.CALL OFF THE WEDDING NOW.
What clearer signs do you want than the ones he's already shown you?
He will not be accountable to anyone after you are married and on your own.All the weeping and promises in the world will not change him.
DON'T BE ANOTHER STATISTIC IN THE NEWSPAPER ONE DAY.
Listen to the sound advice from your parents.They love you and want to protect you.Call this off before it's too late and you bring children into this world who will also have to put up with his abuse.
He doesn't love you more than life,he wants to control you.He'll keep you away from your parents,your family,your friends and his too and have total control over you and only God knows what may happen to you.
I would not hesitate to call off this wedding if I were you.
All the best and GOOD LUCK.

Answer 7

RUN the other way and don't look back! If you marry this guy you'll either end up being miserable under his control (since that's what abusers want) or divorced. Think about it.....people who respect other people just don't talk down to them and call them names, I don't care what their excuse is. His next move will be to start smacking you, instead of threatening to smack you. He's already hit you once and twisted your arm, how far are you going to let him go? He's given you enough evidence that you won't be happy with him.

Answer 8

Would I take his word for it? No Way !!

Put the wedding off and wait to see if he is going to change. If he hasn't gone to counseling, encourage him to do so and offer to go, too, if the therapist wants to talk with you.

Thousands upon thousands make promises and never follow through..... words are cheap. If he is doing this little bit now, it is only going to get worse once you are together all the time.

When you love someone, you don't do and say things to hurt them all the time. He needs to figure out why he is so angry and out of control before he marries anyone.

For now, do what you need to protect yourself and if he doesn't change, you would be wise to move on and find someone who will truly love and respect you completely.

Good luck to both of you.

Answer 9

Love isn't enough make people change. He's got problems with self control and anger, and no matter how much he loves you, he cannot fix himself on his own. If you show that you will forgive this behavior if he begs enough, he will not stop doing it. In fact, after marriage, mark my words it WILL get worse, and eventually he will no longer fear you leaving him. He needs to seek counseling before you get married. He can change if HE wants to change for himself and for you. Personally, my advice would be to wish him the best and feel the pain of a breakup now instead of years later after your self-esteem and your mind & body has taken a beating, and you have children that also suffer from his abusive behavior.

Answer 10

Whatever the reason is for him not being able to control his temper, I don't know if it's likely to change in the long run. The worst thing you can do IMO is to marry a person while hoping they will "change". Either give him time to change before committing to marriage - or accept that this is how things are going to be, and go ahead with the marriage. I think your parents are right, in this case.

Answer 11

If you want to play the odds, break up with him; he is unlikely to make lasting changes.

If you want to take a chance on less than even odds, you need at least to postpone the wedding. Push it back 9-12 months. This will take some work, but it's important, so go ahead and do it. Once you have done so, tell your fiance that between now and the wedding, if he calls you a name, threatens you, or physically hurts you just one single time, the wedding will be off, permanently, and it will be over between you. Then follow through.