who is right?

Question

My husband and I got in an agruement over his daughter. He said that his daughter who is 11 can go down to the pool (Condo Complex) by herself. I said no she can't, that an 11 year old should not go swimming by herself. He said that I shouldn't go over what he said, and basically he has final say. So basically I told him that I was sorry that I yelled, and for caring about his daughter. He told me he wants me to apologize and say he is right. I said I don't believe that he is right, basically this whole stupid situation is causing a big problem between us. Mind you I have 3 kids of my own and he has two we get on Sundays.

It is not our condo complex, his mom's.

Answer 1

It's hard to say, especially when it comes to step children. I agree with you that an eleven year old shouldn't go swimming by herself, but as a stepparent myself I have learned that as much as you want to, you just can't love a stepchild like your own. Don't take that out of context, now. By love, I don't mean you'll never love them like your own, I mean you can never truely, completely treat/discipline them like your own. Especially when it comes to being the stepmother. The father is just going to feel like he's the best person to do the disciplining and decision making and although you only want what's best for the child, it will always be an unspoken voice in the room saying "I'm the parent here, not you" whenever you and your spouse get into these arguments about the children. I do think it's a little selfish of your husband to expect you to say you are wrong when you have already apologized for yelling and that's all that merits an apology in my book. The rest of it seems like a control issue on his part. I'm sorry I can't help you because I agree with you on this one. There doesn't always have to be someone in the wrong, sometimes it's just a difference of opinion and I feel your husband should respect that and appreciate the fact that you did apologize. Best of luck in your situation. Thank goodness I only have to deal with these issues for the summer months!

Answer 2

Has he seen the news lately? No child should be left to go anywhere on their own, and the last time I checked, 11 years old is still a child. All it takes is one sicko to notice the lack of companions and/or adult supervision and he's missing a daughter. You need to support your argument with the cold hard facts, Polly Klaus being one of so very many. That fact is aside from the pool itself being a danger if it is not manned by a lifeguard, who by the way is not a babysitter, either. You can be sorry for yelling but don't back down about caring about what happens to his daughter. Whether or not you have your own children, all it takes is common sense to see that you are right and he is wrong.

Answer 3

Neither of you are right. That is the problem, one of you has to be right. This is not a right and wrong. Whether she can go or not is an opinion. None of us know this 11 year old, so how can we say. I know some 20 year olds that should not be allowed to be at the pool alone. Granted I think 11 is too young in general, but she could be mature, the pool well secured, and be a fantastic swimmer. Sorry, this is just not that black and white. Why not address the real problem here which is why you two need to be right about stuff so badly it affects your marriage.

Answer 4

11 is too young to be swimming by herself. She needs a responsible person to be looking after her. What if she tripped, fell in the water and passed out. Drowning is too big of an issue here.
Sounds as if your hubby is having some control issues over your step-daughters. Rules should be consistent for all the kids, no matter when they are at your house.
Maybe there's another issue also such as...did he not want to go to the pool and watch her, though he wanted her out of his space?

Answer 5

You've said all you need to say and no apology is warranted. ( I personally think you're right on the pool issue anyway) and he should be glad he has a partner to provide him with an opposing view so he can consider all possible outcomes. It's too late to re-think the decision once (God forbid) an accident has occurred. Even competent young swimmers need supervision because you never know how other children or patrons of the pool will behave. But step-parenting is a unique arrangement and you have to choose your battles carefully. Good luck as you negotiate this one.

Answer 6

Ok, as a man I hate to say this but you are right. I can't believe he would let his 11 year old daughter go to the pool by herself. Now if she were with a group of friends it might be different or if there was a life guard on duty but not by herself, no way, no how. However, you know that just because you are getting confirmation that you are right that won't fix things between the two of you.

Answer 7

he is very wrong about the way he approached the situation and so are you. Next time tell him exactly why she shouldn't go alone. in example she could be taken. she need supervision around water. Finally just apologize for making it a big deal and how stupid it was to allow it to cause a big problem between you tow but don't apologize for being concerned about his daughter after all she is your step daughter. trust me I have a stepdaughter and a stepson that we had continuously for a year and now have them only on weekends. remember the biggest thing is they are kids and need love... GOD BLESS

Answer 8

you are right, and doens't he watch the news? little girls running around by them selfs come up missing, or what if there was some 17 yr old boy at the pool, nope i wouldn't have let her go either.

he shouldn't pull the "final" say over you, you two are in a partner ship and you need to discuss it behind closed doors and both agree on the answer, he needs to respect you just as he wants you to respect him

if he doesn't his kids won't respect you either which will cause bigger problems down the road, you two need to have a heart to heart talk about the kids and provide a united front or you are both doomed

Answer 9

This isn't really an I'm right, You're wrong kind of an argument. You are entitled to your opinions and he is entitled to his. Since it is his child, he has final say, but that doesn't mean you are wrong. If it was your kid, you would have final say, that wouldn't make his opinion wrong. It's a matter of choice. He's being really immature if he expects you to say you are wrong for having your own opinion. Can't you just agree to disagree?
He should at the very least respect your opinion, even if he doesn't agree with it. Neither of you are wrong, but neither are right either. It's an opinion, not a fact, that is in dispute.






(As far as letting kids swim alone, I take my soon to be 13 year old step son to the pool. Too many psycho's for my comfort.)

Answer 10

I'm with your husband on this one - he is the father and so it is his call what she can and can't do. Just as he would be wrong to give direction to your kids which goes against your wishes.

It might help for you both to talk about some ground rules about this for when his daughter visits you. It will create stability for all of the kids to know what the rules are and it will eliminate the situation for you and your husband too.