should I stay or should I get divorced? Please help?

Question

married 7yrs,2 young children. I have a dream house/life and should be happy, but I am not, inside I dont feel like this is me. malcontent has followed me for yrs. I have 2 parttime jobs right now. wife has great desk job. good kids but stressful, I just get angry at them all the time.My wife resents me for not cleaning/helping around the house, Its hard, I grew up not really having chores. So she isnt doing chores as much and no intamacy for months. "your not doing anything so im not either" attitude which created a bigger divide. We talked about divorce,she doesnt want one, she loves me and is happy if I help out. I'm still not happy. I'm a loner and Im happy when im doing things not involving the family, I am probably immature and selfish but thats how I am. I can change but I feel like I'll act out somewhere else.I keep thinking that I am the problem and its better off if Im not there being unhappy. maybe I am not cut out for this family life thing,to much stress and responsibility

I do sound like a whiner, How am I supposed to know what family life is like unless I try it? I didnt know. I am just bouncing questions off people to see what they think, and I will make up MY mind, I dont have much money to work with to play, when I dont work I watch my kids because my wife works in the daytime. I would like to go to school but again money is hard to come by to do that. It takes years to get full time at my job but when I do I will make good money, and only need one job, in like 4 years + I will go to the doctor and do tests to see about chem inbalance, that maybe something. I do workout its helping my stamina. I do need to growup but can people change their personality, Im almost 30 it seems as if, its ingrained now?

Answer 1

I like your honesty and I can relate to some extent. I'm an introvert by nature. Having little kids around the house was THE most stressful time of my life. Household chores are not my first love, that's for sure. You really don't need a pile of judgment from people who don't understand an introvert.

Now, today, there's no way I would trade my family for ANYTHING (we have one of three left at home). The crazy times pass, and even having a slightly off-balance father at home is better than no father at all believe it or not. Just visit a prison.

You've got to get past some of the power struggle stuff with your wife first. Start complimenting her for things she does and is. One compliment a day can REVOLUTIONIZE your marriage. Get a weekend away with her every six months or so.

Explain your situation gently and get some "time out" of the house -- go golfing for a walk, for a jog, whatever. See these times as refuelling to get back into "the fray".

You don't need to act out if you manage yourself, but it takes regular commitment to do so. Set boundaries and continue to work on your character. We all have our demons to wrestle. Personality is difficult to change but you can learn to conquer fears and discomforts with applied efforts, though they will never likely be your strengths.

One thing that changed my attitude with my kids was "one on one" time. I'd take just one of them out for ice cream or whatever and we'd have a great time. Why? No conflict! He/she had all my attention and I got to know them as people, not just inconvenient little noise makers!

Happiness can be learned within difficult circumstances. It's not the result of all the circumstances aligning just right. Your self-awareness and introversion can be used as a strength to help you face the trials. But it will take plain grit. Read a book or two on parenting and marriage. Use that brain.

I hope you will be able to look back ten years from now and say, "Wow, I made the right decision." Hang in there friend.

Answer 2

Well, if you don't plan on making any changes for your family - it sounds like you could be VERY selfish! You have 2 children... if just for them, make an effort to close that gap between you and your wife.

You'll be surprised... if you do do the little things like take out the trash or bring home flowers or leave her a note in the morning thanking her for all she does around the house and for your kids... you'll be surprised how she will return the favor!

She shouldn't quit doing the housework if you don't help, that's not right... but a little motivation from you might help the both of you get on track.

And...even if you are a loner, you can still have your alone time and be a family man.

And... maybe you just might find that a "happy pill" (talk to your doctor first) will cure alot of the madness going on in your head.

You made a promise in front of God to love your wife and be her man. Step up. It's not THAT hard to be nice! Mostly to the one you're suppose to love! (Do you find it easier to open a door for a stranger than it is to open it for your wife?) If so, something needs to change.

Don't get a divorce... fix the problem. Maybe talk to a counselor.

Answer 3

Sounds like you need counseling. You seem to be dealing with more issues than just being unhappy in your marriage/family life. It seems to me that you have something worth saving and if you do get a divorce, you will probably regret it. Your wife and children deserve some effort from you....especially if your wife doesn't want a divorce. If all your wife wants from you is help around the house, then you are very lucky. Why not trying to help out around the house? Try being kind to her and treating her with respect and see if she changes her attitude towards intimacy. If she feels a disconnect from you (that's what I hear), then that's why she's not interested. Even if you do get a divorce, you still have a family. Divorcing will not end your responsibility to your two kids and it won't make them happier for you to be divorced. I've seen too many kids whose parents went through divorce to know that "divorcing because the parents aren't happy" isn't always the best thing. Don't tear your family apart because you are unhappy. You need a lot more "grounds" than this for divorce. Get some counseling for yourself and see if that helps. Also, see if your wife is willing to have marriage counseling. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Maybe you need a new job. Just one. Perhaps going from one job to another's draining you.

You might also have a chemical imbalance. You should try Sam-E and see if it helps, and make sure you take a multi-vitamin daily--you might have a dietary defficiency.

I suggest getting a maid. Why all people don't have a cleaning service once a week or once every 2 weeks is beyond me. Cleaning stinks. Make someone else do it. It saves marriages!

You sound like you're trying to justify your brattiness. We all have a right to be bratty sometimes, ok. But you've got kids. BE A MAN. Take care of your diet, get a new job, exercise. Above all USE YOUR BRAIN. You are stressed to the brim and need to do something about it! Something PRODUCTIVE, not "acting out". (Which is such a pansy way to act)

Answer 5

Yes, family is stress and responsibility. It also offers great rewards. You will get out what you put in.

I would suggest you try to find one fulltime job. After work, you would have time to do something on your own. Get some time away from the family and you may feel rejuvenated and happier to be with them.

You sound like you love your family, but are having problems with yourself that are keeping you from enjoying them. Work on you so that you can be better for them.

Just because you aren't trained and accustomed to housework doesn't mean you can't help. Make a trade. She does the work, but you watch the kids while she goes out and does something for herself. You could also learn to help with the chores.

Its all about balance. You need time for just you and time for the family and then time as a couple. So does your wife. I could almost guarantee that if you both had time for yourselves and time for the family, your sex life would perk up.

Answer 6

i dont think that divorce is the answer. it doesnt matter if you were raised not doing chores you need to help out around the house and whenever you get bored of being around the house all day managing the kids and all then you should call a babysitter (someone you can trust and you know) then take your wife out somewhere..maybe dinner or a movie or anywhere and just make sure she has fun with you. it will relieve your stress from all the crazyness. and also you need to be with your children do some activities together. i mean your children must think you dont like them or something the way you are. you seem like the kind of guy that will sit around and watch TV all day and your wife will be running arronds with the kids and taking them place to place..you need to offer to do some arronds for her and clean up around the house. trust me if you take my advice your marrage should be much better. good luck

Answer 7

Dude, you really, really need to do so some very fast growing up. You don't seem like a bad person, but just immature as you stated. You both need marriage counseling. You need to help around the house more.

You need to find yourself a career that makes you happy, something that you like to do everyday, that makes you wanna wake up every morning and go to work. It seems to me you resent your life and that's what is the issue at hand.

You can make your life better by making small goals for yourself and achieving them, then make bigger goals and work towards achieving them. But your biggest goal is a career path. Take some training class, join an apprentice ship, go to a 2 year college. All this will help in your career path. good luck.

Answer 8

Well honestly it sounds to me that you are going Through exactly what you should be going through right now. I mean you've only been married for seven years. At this point your wife and you are barely learning about each other. I think that you need counseling. There seems to be lots of unresolved issues in your marriage the main thing being communication. You need to be more honest with how you feel and stop hindering your feelings from her. You sound like a very good man, so I think that you should do the right thing and resolve the issues that are hindering your happiness by just being honest about what you feel

Answer 9

Dude, go get yourself a big diaper and a new mommy is that's how you feel about it; you'd be doing your wife and kids a big favor! Your a whiner and you're not providing for your family the way you should. Those kids need a good Dad! Hire a housekeeper and a babysitter and go look for a good job or go back to school and make a life for you and your family! Oh...I guess then you'll be whining about having to go to work...it's too stressful. You're disgusting, man. You can't pick up after yourself and not man enough to provide for your loved ones. I don't know how you can look at yourself in the morning. ...I'm done.....

Answer 10

Most people would say counseling and they are right to a certain level. Me on the other hand i am going to tell you something that should have been said long time ago. GROW UP! you should have thought about responsibility when you got down on one knee and asked her to be your wife and when you decided to lay pipe and get her pregnant, them you should have thought about it when you decided to have kids. It is men like you that make women think twice about getting married. You need to grow up , help around the house and be a man..... If not i know that there is a real man out there that will be more than happy to take care of your"STRESS AND RESPONSIBILITY"