What should I do that would be best for my husband and myself?

Question

I believe my husband is suffering from depression. He has moved out of our house and claims to not be feeling the same way for me anymore (we have been married 20 years). He is not happy but he admits that he's not happy anywhere. He wants a "break" but not divorce. I have pushed for things like for him to see a counselor and to get on anti depressants, which he does in an effort to keep me hanging in there waiting for him. I want to know what are reasonable expectations of him. How long before he can come home, can he ever come home, is depression the reason he doesn't feel the same for me any more, is spending time with me and our children (which he seems to avoid as much as I let him) detrimental to his recovery or is it helping him? Any help from someone in my position or someone suffering from depression would be greatly appreciated!

Answer 1

My husband did this exact same thing after 24 years together. I chalked it off to a mid-life crisis and problems at work and tried to be understanding. I bought books to help understand what he was going through and arranged for him to talk to a counselor. To make a long story short - his "depression and unhappiness" was a blond co-worker that he was having an affair with. He was distancing himself from his family to make himself feel less guilty and to make having the affair a little easier. Is this a possibility? If so - don't beat yourself up like I did. I was so intent on finding out how to help the man I loved that I missed all the tell-tale signs of his cheating.

Answer 2

My spouse is suffering from the same thing as well as MS. There is not a day that goes bye that I don't think of divorce. There are times she can be abusive to myself or the children.

To answer your question, a depressed person will push away from their family. Also, you should be in marriage counseling with your husband and get counseling for yourself and possibly the children. If he is unwilling, than divorce may be the best solution for all involved. In this, at least you and your children can find happiness.

I know this is a tremendous strain on you and your children and truly empathize with you.

Good luck.

Answer 3

When your spouse says he wants a "break" he is having an affair. Signs of depression are normal for someone cheating. He's confused, doesn't know who he wants, suffering from guilt. He has all the signs of cheating. Trust me, I've been a marriage counselor for many years.

Do whatever you have to do in order to prove it. Hire a PI, check phone records, emails, follow him, whatever you have to do because he will not admit it until you have proof. After he comes clean, there is a chance you can rebuild your marriage if you're up to the challenge and if he is willing to dump his mistress.

Seek marriage counseling alone if he will not participate.

Answer 4

It sounds like a mid life crisis combined with depression. You can give him all the space he wants but he needs to know that is not addressing the problem. You can try to talk to him one on one and tell him that you understand the need to be alone to try to sort things out, but you don't understand him shutting you out and not seeking the proffessional help he needs. You love him and want to see him happy again, whether it means counseling for him or for you both, or with the help of antidepressants. Not just for his sake, but for yours and that of your children. I wish you the best of luck.
I find it sad that everyone automatically assumes it an affair. That is not always the case but it shows you how hardened and cynical people have become.

Answer 5

Are you sure there isn't someone else that he wants a trial relationship with before he ends it with you. :(

Answer 6

mid-life crisis, maybe?
is he seeing another gal?