I need help with this one please?

Question

My marriage is going downhill. It all began when my husband took sides with his sister who lived with us when we got married and the sister and I could barely get along. This took a big toll on our marriage. He does not think he did anything wrong and even went ahead to have an affair. His reason: because I was fighting with his sister and he needed solace. As if the sister was homeless without him!! I have forgiven him, but the betrayal is so much I feel like going away to a place where he will never find me again! How can I get out of the bitterness trap. We are not talking and generally we are doing badly. We've been married for less than 3 years!!

The sister is no longer living with us but the effect she had on our marriage runs deep.

Answer 1

He has no right to make you feel like this and to blame you for his affair, he's weak and where he should support and back you he hasn't. Maybe it is time to move on if you can't see a way forward, you may find happiness without him, and if you leave he may actually start to realise what he's done wrong.

I was married for less than 4 years when my ex had an affair and I have to admit the day I found out I threw him out, he destroyed the trust and any love I had for him.

Now's the time to think of you and what's right for you.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 2

I think in order to really start to heal this marriage...you need to hear him taking some kind of responsibility for his actions...which he isn't doing. It was your fault. If you got along with his sister...he wouldn't of been pushed into having an affair. Forget about all the other things he could of done to find solace....other friends...clergy...co-workers. Is the sister still in the house? You also feel betrayed because he sided with her. He didn't trust you or put you first. So the betrayal you're feeling is not only from that of an affair, but also because he wasn't there for you when you needed him to be. I think you should invest in some therapy for yourself...not necessarily with him (marriage counseling can come in later). Work through your feelings and figure out what's in your best interest. You can also start keeping a journal where you let your feelings out. Keep the journal in a hidden place so he can't find it and use it to beat yourself over the head with it. Through your writings, you could probably get a better handle on where you're at emotionally. Ask yourself this...have you really forgiven him for the affair? Or are you just saying you have because he has made you feel guilty and placed the blame on you? He's a grown man. It was his choice to have an affair. You didn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. What's stopping him from doing it again? Maybe the next time you over cook his meat loaf...or don't fold his socks the right way...or gain weight...lose weight....dye your hair. Once he knows that this technique works...believe me he will use it again. Having family members live with you...especially when your marriage is so new....is always a real bad idea.

Answer 3

There has to be more to life than this. Get a back-up plan together of where you could go to live for a while like with relatives or a good friend, preferably somewhere where he will not think to follow you. Then state clearly without shouting that you are his wife and the sister is a guest in your house. When he married you, it was to the exclusion of all others so therefore either the sister goes or you do.

THEN FOLLOW THROUGH ON IT. It will not work and will leave you in a worse position than before if you say this and don't mean it. If she does not go, move out yourself and contact him in a couple of weeks to see if he's changed his mind. If not, you are better off without the cowardly so and so and should rebuild your life without him in it and thank your lucky stars you've escaped.

Answer 4

You say you have forgiven him for the affair but deep down you haven't, you are feeling betrayed by your husband and who can blame you?
As for sisters, men and sisters are like glue and i have given up trying to get in the way of my husband and his!
Is it possible for you and your husband to go to marriage counselling? If not then communication between you both is vital. You both need to be brutally honest and lay your feelings bare. Maybe you could both write down everything you are thinking and feeling, swap and go off alone to read and contemplate. Meet up and talk. You have to be ready to hear things you wont want to hear. If you both want this marriage to work you have to be honest with each other and you have to somehow forget the affair. It will eat you up inside otherwise. I hope some of this has helped x

Answer 5

He used the sister thing as an excuse. He cheated because he wanted to. You can never forgive, if you can never forget.Get out before you waste too much time. Do you have kids? Even a better reason to get out. Trust me. The kids suffer for it and you end up not having a life. Or you move on to find somone that treats you the very same way. It is a learned behavior.

Answer 6

There is no excuse for an affair. There may be a reason however. If your husband's sister is still living with you...kick her butt to the curb. She obviously is not being of any help to your marriage. If you want to save your marriage then see a marriage counselor. Staying stuck with bitterness will get you nowhere.

Answer 7

It's not impossible to recover from an affair. Counselling is the first step, I found my church very helpful in this area because they didn't judge anyone, but if you aren't in a church, ask around for a good counsellor. Try a website such as www.marriagebuilders.com. The most important thing of course is that you both want to make your marriage work, if only one of you is trying it will be harder. It takes humility and you will both need to accept that you need to make changes, just never never blame only him, no matter how bitter you are.

Answer 8

Families are funny things. you feel loyalty where it's not deserved. Maybe both have a little space? He shouldn't have had his sister in the marital home if it was causing problems. Did he invite her? maybe he felt he needed her there to say stuff to you he was too frightened to say? Importantly you haven't said if you still love him and want to be with him. I think cheated partners always feel bitterness but if you ask me he needs to do a lot more to repair the damage as he obviously hasn't done enough. Personally if there are no kids, then I think you should go on a girls holiday to get some much needed space and enjoyment and to feel good about yourself again,

Answer 9

I agree with leaving him. Usually, I'm a big advocated for staying and working a marriage out. The only time I'm not is if there's been cheating. Sure, I know people who have been in a cheating marriage and have worked through it but I can't say they ever trust the same. For me, I'm straight up and honest and know I couldn't get over it. And if you're a Christian (which I'm not but was raised one), the Bible says as soon as someone is unfaithful your vows are already broken and you're no longer married in the first place.

Answer 10

your husbands affair had nothing to do with u and his sister. no one forced him to do what he did, he did it on his own free will. i was married to my husband for 24 years we had been together since school, 4 beautiful children, and he still cheated on me. like a fool i took him back then surprise surprise he did it again with a so called friend. when i asked him why he said because i forgave him once and that in his eyes gave him permission to do it again. we have now been separated for 2 years. you can never get over the bitterness, it goes in stages, bitterness, hate, pity, u will always wonder where he is if hes late home, and you will never truly trust him like you once did. my only consolation is that he rings me weekly begging to go back, and the answer is always the same no, because you never truly trust them like you did before. but don't blame yourself that's his way out putting the blame on you. go see a councillor on your own, u have to build up your self esteem, its really important, then you can decide what to do, i wish you well.