I'm married but in love with another woman and my wife, help!?

Question

I'm not a scumbag but I have fallen in love with another woman who is my wife's friend. I didn't mean for this to happen and I feel like a moron. My wife has a minor mental disorder that has interfered with our relationship, but I still love her. However I find myself in love with her friend who I believe is attracted to me. I realize that my wife has not loved me equally, but we have two kids and I am a man who keeps his promises. I'm torn because I love this other woman. She not actively trying to break us up, she doesn't even know what I think. I feel caught between a marriage with a certain level of love and a relationship with a woman who has no such limits on her love for me. I didn't choose to fall in love. It just happened. Help!

Answer 1

I know you're not a scumbag, and don't let any of the other answerers make you feel like one. I'm dealing with the exact same thing as you are in my marriage, and the same thing happened to me. Other people could never understand what it's like for you or I because they are in quote/unquote 'normal' marriages/relationships where both partners are connected emotionally. My husband has Aspergers syndrome, so he can't connect to me emotionally, never can, never will. I also developed feelings for another person who is also in a similiar relationship. To this day, neither one of us has ever spoken of our feelings, and never will. But they are there, it's heart-breaking, and the most painful thing I have ever had to go through. I hope you can find support and encouragement for your situation, there are forums and support groups that are for people that are in our situations. There's no quick fix for us, but it helps just knowing that others are also going through the same thing. If you'd like, look up Delphi forums, and go to support/recovery. Take care.

Answer 2

No ur not a scumbag..sometimes these things happen...we can fall out of love with somebody because we have our hearts broken by the one person we thought that would never ever break it..the person we love the most..and that is when we need a friend to confide in ..someone to help us in a time of need..sometimes that friend helps us pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and puts it back together...and that is when feelings occur...its hard because the heart wants what it wants and u can not stop it..but its not right to have a relationship with the other woman ..if u and ur wife split then ok whatever happens happens..but u have to refrain urself from fallin for this person anymore than what u already have..this is a test that God has given u and its up to u if u pass it or not..relationships are often tested its up to both parties to do so...and if one party fails ,,,then the relationship was not meant to be....this may not help u but it might help u with ur self esteem which u will need because u seem to feel guilty ..dont let everyone judge u until they have walked in ur shoes and know exactley how u feel..i wish u luck and hope u find true happiness ...happiness is the key to a healthy marriage and parenting...

Answer 3

I am amazed that I have no anger or judgement toward you.
So here I am answering your question only with compassion.
Please hang in there with your commitment to your wife!
You mentioned that you keep your promises.......please do so.
First, for your own sake.....then you wife and children's and your wife's friend.
Whatever discontentment you have with your relationship with your wife shall pass. When we get married we make some promises and commitments.......these times that you are experiencing are why.......the feelings of love come and go throughout the years of marriage that why commitment reguardless of feelings is so crucial. You will find that whatever you think you need from your wife's friend will surely pass. If you truly love this other woman, you would not pursue
the relationship any further. Although it could be difficult,dont.
The probability of this happening again is high if you dont stop it now!!!Please keep your commitment friend.......you may have already made up your mind.......the pain it causes comes at a high price and affects the rest of the lives involved........
just my advice.......still paying the price.......

also, where ever you go......there you are!

Answer 4

FYI... Marry Men Lie! Of course... they are going to tell you .. "the mistress" whatever you want to hear for awhile.. until the fun is over for them on their end and they get bored. Then.. they ease the wife back into the picture. NO>>>> He can't love you both. There is such a think as "Guy Talk/Code" you have to read in between the lines. What he "Really" means.. is he loves having sex with you and does not want the sex to end.. so he will tell you what you might want to hear.. that he loves you that will keep you on the side.. of the wife he is cheating on and breaking her heart.. and the kids IF he has any that would all be crushed if they knew. If he wanted to leave his wife.. he would have filed for divorce by now. He won't. BUT.... if you want to help all women in the world and his wife.. find a way to let her know the kind of husband she has. Tell her. Write her a letter.. OR.. better yet get his number at the house and call her and ask her to meet you for coffee. She would most likely divorce him. If he cheated once and on her.. he will do it again with or without your help. She has the right to know. Own it. Step up. Do the right thing here. End it with this loser... bastard.

Answer 5

Ahh poor you! Lets throw you a pitty party! Um... No! You're sitting here babbling about how stupid you are for falling in love with this other women - and ya know what? I don't have the slightest dought you are an inconsiderate scumbag! Handle this like a man, resist the temptation and pray to god for guidance! Also, you are a HUGE scumbag for bringing kids into this - if you get a divorce the kids will think oh... well maybe if I had never have boughten lunch this tuesday mommy and daddy would've stayed together! You're actions lead to you're kids thoughts and actions they will get depressed and ya know what You may loose you're kids love and you're wifes love but is this women better than you're whole family loving you?

You are a VERY poor excuse for a father and husband

happy fathers day oh thats right you're not a father you're just some married man with kids....

Answer 6

It sounds to me like you're wife is at a bit of a disadvantage. I mean, she has a mental disorder and she finally gets married to a true man that will,"Love her through sickness and throuhg health." and you are falling in love with another woman! I mean, give her a break. The poor lady just wants a normal life and you fall in love with another woman. I mean, I know you didn't mean to, or anything, but still....cut her some slack. Tell the person you fell in love with that she attracts you and you like her as more than a friend but you have other commitments and you have to stick to those. Tell her that you wish you could be more than friends, but for now will have to stick to the marrage. Ask her to please try to understand. If all else fails, PRAY. That's what I'll be doing.

Answer 7

Let me start off by saying I'm not attacking you. All marriages have gone through things like this. All of them. Things are not always peaceful and great and happy. You have hard spot. And it's what you do in these hard spots that makes or breaks a marriage. In answering many questions in the Marriage/Divorce section of YA, the one thing I've found that all cheaters/soon-to-be-cheaters have in common is that they all justify why their partner is at fault and why it should be okay for them to leave/cheat. What you want is for someone to agree that it's okay to leave. You took vows the day you married her. They included "in sickness" which is the mental illness you mentioned. No partner is perfect- not even you. So far, what's happened is okay. But doing anything other than staying with your wife and working it out- is not. Everyone hits times where they want to leave. Don't be so common- stay and be faithful.

Answer 8

Feelings are feelings and i believe that it fell on you without you planning for it. I don't think it was her plan to be mental as well. She probably thought that you're God sent; for accepting her imprefections, loving her and having children with her. But i guess we all know how you really feel about it now. So, bear this in mind, your wife went through a whole lot with and for you despite the fact that she's mentally unstable,she will be ultra devastated to know that the man she married and thought accepted her and spending her rest of her life with is actually considering that someone who just walked through that door. We all have feelings i'm sure, but it sounds like selfishness to me, not love. Whatever you do, NEVER EVER CHEAT because there's no way back from there.

Answer 9

Unlike some people here, I understand that love can occasionally spontaneously occur. I have had it happen once with my ex, unfortunately, it did not work out, despite that we both wanted (and in ways still want it) to.

Love is simply a chemical reaction that you really have no choice over, rather like having a chemical imbalance, developing a distaste for a food, or something of the like.

You don't choose who you fall in love with, however, you can choose how you work with it and what you do about it. I have known someone in a similar position, and I would suggest as I suggested to him, be true to yourself. He was scared of what may have happened if he left his wife, so, he stayed with her. It was his choice. You have a similar decision to determine. You have security with your wife, you do not with this other woman.

Ignore anyone who seems to claim that people choose to fall in love. Usually it's women who are closer to "choosing" to fall in love, they tend to have more to lose in the prospect.

Most people would suggest that you go to counseling, figure out what is wrong in your marriage that you're looking for other prospects. I would suggest you do some serious soul searching. Remember, if you leave your wife for this woman, not only will you make yourself a likely enemy, but you'll probably tear your wife and her friend's friendship apart.

Answer 10

i understand and your not a scumbag because of the way you explained your self other wise yes you would be, but that's your WIFE'S "friend" and if she would do that to her friend then shes not on a faith full level either, u did make a vowe to her and if one of the reasons your wanting to leave her is because of mental problem then that's wrong and she probably had it when you said "I DO" its just a sexual feeling you want from your wife's friend don't pursue it unless your wife does something unforgivable to you, yous have 2 kids together just think about how your going to explain it top them ohh...daddy left mommy to be with mommy's friend because i wanted a piece of ***, if you feel like you cant control your feeling dint be around when your wife invites her over or realize that if the only reason u wanna be done with your wife is because of her friend then maybe your wrong, the only thing you can do is tell her how you feel and maybe she likes you back then you can both **** over your wife or she might tell you she would never do that to her friend then Ur stuck looking like the scumbag. good luck!