what's the best way to tell my husband.... PLZ HELP!!!!!!!!?

Question

I do not like the way he treats me?
NO he's not physically abusive! (He's very negative & pessimistic.)
However he treats me as if I am stupid. (I'M NOT!)
If I ask a question he thinks is obvious, he just tells me to look it up. When he wants me to see something on tv or the computer (or ?), I have to stop everything & go see right away, but when I want to share something it's always "quit bothering me"!
It seems it's only me he treats this way!
Don't get me wrong, he does have great qualities! & We do have commonalities. Otherwise I wouldn't still be married to him.
He has high blood pressure & so I try not to "rock the boat". But it really is bringing me down!
What do I do?
Oh, I can tell he could be clinically depressed, but if I were to mention it, he'd tell me to... well I won't repeat it.
What can I do to help him? (& help our marriage in the process!)
I know we can make it 'til we die, if we can minimize the stress!
Pls, no smart alec replies. I am being serious.

Oh & he acts as everything is MY fault!! Even when it's obvious it is not! (Especially when it's something he's done wrong or misplaced something!)
He never apologizes.
If he's wrong, he will never admit to it!
Also, we're Christians & have both been divorced before.
As I said, I know this we can work!!! (It took 4 years of dating before we were married!!)

Oh, we've been through counseling too!!
He won't go back because the counselor said he's depressed & should be on medication!!

ok, another bit of info... (The answers so far are triggering these additional thoughts!)
To make matters worse, I have been diagnosed with Major Depression. (Though lately I've been doing well... I think it's the good weather & meds! LOL!)
I am just at a loss to do... without stressing us both out & causing his blood pressure to be even worse. Oh, which by the way, he blames on me!!
& I can not tell him something I don't like about him. (ie: he wears a hat 99.99% of the time.)
But he has no problem telling me what he hates about me!
Pleasing him in the "marriage way", only helps while we're still in bed or he falls asleep.
And I can not suggest things he can do for me, such as get me flowers when I'm sick. He says "don't tell me what to do" or "do you think I'm stupid?"
So, how can I tell him what I would like in bed?
See the dilemma I'm in?

Wow, the majority of your answers so far are terrific.. I am going to have a hard time choosing who has the best one!
Did I mention we've been married 10 years? (I may add more later, so keep checking back.)
There's more to it... so, for some more insight into my life, please see my 360 blog at: (go to 4-16-07 & 4-17-07 specifically! Tells about my memory loss!) http://360.yahoo.com/aiz320
There's also a link in my profile here on the Answers Site.
I sure hope I'm not bugging "you" too much... I am just very concerned... not to mention getting fed up! (Doesn't help I haven't been asleep since 9:30a yesterday... It's almost 5:30a now... which means he will be getting up for work shortly!!)

Answer 1

Hi, Lady Harley. I am so so so sorry that you are going through this.. I am sorry because I know exactly what you are feeling. I think this is just the way your husband is and really, we can't change men. well.. we can change them for the worse... but I would go to church, talk to your pastor/fellowship leader and since you both are Christians maybe he would feel more comfortable talking with your trusted pastor. I believe you ARE a smart woman. My husband treats me like I am stupid because it is obvious to him that I am smarter than he is. But that is something that I do not throw in his face. I think he maybe insecure about himself and needs to belittle you to make himself feel more adequate. I hate walking on egg shells..... And i know that is how you feel. Maybe his boat NEEDS to be rocked. Have a full on THIS IS WHAT IT IS conversation... Ask him to just listen and not interrupt you until you finish or until you ask him to speak... And let him know this is the only way for you to get everything off your chest. If he cannot treat you the way you need him to, then honey he does not deserve you. I know, i know... easier said than done, huh..... sigh....... I'm trying this too,.... as a matter of fact these are all the things I am trying to do myself.. I hope things work out for you. You deserve happiness. which ever way it ends up, i hope you find it!!! good luck and God bless!!!!!

Answer 2

It's hard to give out an advice since I don't exactly know how you converse with each other. When he's in good mood, try to tell him nicely that sometimes he makes you feel like this....so on. The thing is, I don't know how he'll take it knowing he's highblood. Another approach could be at one point in time, given a ceratin instance when you can answer him back or treat him back how he treats you. If gets furious about it, tell him, now you know how i feel. That's how you've been with me all this time. But be careful, he might not like a rude approach to him too. Try to weigh which will work better for your husband.

Answer 3

I am not a doctor by any means. But I am not so sure he is depressed. He speaks as someone who is actually very insecure. Next time he calls you and wants you to come running to look at something, just yell back "I'm busy right now." Or don't respond at all. You are not there to be his verbal punching bag. Depressed or not. Honestly, it is not very bright for a person to believe that he has all of the answers to this universe. Maybe it's long overdue that you sat him down and explained, as you did her, how he is making you feel. Even tape record him so he can here himself.

Answer 4

Have you tried explaining to him how his reactions to you affect you? If not, I would give that a go. Otherwise, as things happen, such as him wanting you to drop everything to look at something, just say that you would like him to do the same for you. Also maybe when he is being pessimistic look at the positive side of whatever it is and point that out to him, he may not actually relise he's being pessimistic\negative - and if you do it with a bit of humour, he might realise how silly his negative comment might be.

Answer 5

I think you should take a vacation by yourself for 2 weeks so he can see how life is without you and maybe he will see that he has the issue and not you. at least you recognize that you have issues!!!! and plus women need a little alone time to get our minds straight every once in a while. never give up on the ones you love. love overcomes a multitude of faults!!!!!

Answer 6

i think you yourself have recognised the areas that need work, but i cant help but think if you recognise he may be depressed that you also know he has to get help, and from the sounds of things he may not be open to this suggestion. I think the best thing is for you yourself to seek advice about how to help him if this is the case, depression is not an easy thing to live with whether youre the sufferer or family of someone with it, but theres boatloads of help available for all affected, until your hubby recognises he needs help i dont know what you can do, once he gets the help he needs, everything else will probably fall into place by the sounds of the rest of your marriage, good luck to you

Answer 7

I may be completely off, but it sounds like to me, he is controlling and maniputive, it sounds like he likes putting you down so he can keep his controll over you. Abuse don't have to by physical, it can also be mental or emotional. I was married to a man like that and one day when I pissed him off he through me up against a wall and chocked me, the next week I left him after 4 yrs. Please be careful sometimes these thing progress into physical. My suggestion get him help and yourself to, talk to someone that you don't feel like you have to tiptoe around. If he won't go to anyone, the only thing you can do for him is pray, and open your eyes to not just what you want your marriage to be, but to who your husband truely is. I do hope I am wrong, but it sound like me 9 yrs ago.

Answer 8

i'd be blunt but loving. "i'm not an idiot, so don't treat me like one"
or "geez.. that was rude, exactly what made you think you could talk to me that way?"
or "what's up your bum today? i asked a perfectly reasonable question and you snapped at me"
or "i'd like to talk to you about this, when's a good time for you?"
or "it's not my fault your in a bad mood, there's no need snap at me. do you want to tell me why you're so hostile today?"

these at things i say to my man. we are blissfully happy, but he's a cranky old bear sometimes. he's definatley a pessimist and gets glum and snappy.
these are exact quotes of things that i say, and they work a charm. he either tells me that he didn't realise he was snapping at me, or he tell me what is playing on his mind. or he tell me that he needs to be alone to work out what his problem is, and then comes back and tells me once he's worked it out.

some times he has no idea that he's being rude or bringing me down. and is genuinely sorry. he's always grateful that i tell him though, it helps him deal with things openly instead of stewing on it over and over in his head.

xx

my man refuses to see a doc about his crankiness and gloom too! lol don't stress your head about it too much, he loves you and you love him, so you'll find a way to make it work. sometimes having a good long b*tch about it with a friend makes me feel 100 times better! lol

Answer 9

Excuses,excuses alway justifing his invecting behavoir,Why?refuses pysicologic help,refusing medication obviously he's in denail.Sound like he suffering from bipolar,but still,he has no right verbally and emotionally abusing you.he only going to get worst, and bring you with him,Im truly sorry but your marriage might not last to long,Stress kills and your already have depression,save yourself because you want to,and IF and when your husbad ready to accept his condition,you'll be one step ahead.

Answer 10

You need to tell him how he makes you feel,ie doormat,you need to tell him your important and that every relationship is give and take,you dont say how long its been going on.If hes always been like it with you he wont change,if somethings happened to make him depressed recently hes making you feel small so he feels good so he will need counciling,good luck