Its untitled as of now, but I would like suggestions for titles, as well as any other suggestions anyone might have, as well as critiques and such. An idea for the ending would be nice too.
Finishing last in a race
I should never lose
Meaningless, hopeless,
And very confused,
Alone at the ending
With everyone staring
The whole world’s watching
Without one of them caring;
My disheartened heart
Is bleak, and inept,
Doomed for a failure
Because vows aren’t kept.
The future’s not promising,
And not even near.
This attempt is futile,
Hollow, and maybe a little insincere.
Sulking in stale sorrow
A little musty, and decayed
My excuses are worn out
And will soon become clichéd.
2007-06-17 18:05:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I personally like it. I feel like you can really envision what the narrator is going through. It has a lot of feeling and is a good effort.
Good work. :D
2007-06-17 18:16:18 · answer #1 · answered by Wolfy-chan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
:) I think this is nice... the ryhme is,yes, a little simplistic but it keeps a steady rythm. A few of the lines seem a little choppy, especially that last one in the fourth stanza. Otherwise, it's not bad. As for an ending, well that's to your own creativity but as someone said, switching the last two stanzas would end it very well as it is. Sometimes our poems just need a little tweaking, then 'fore you know, it's finished.
I would change the last line in stanza five from "become" to just "be" to make the syllables align better with the rythm. Also, in stanza four I would change "and maybe a little insincere" to simply "hollow, and insincere" or maybe "hollow; insincere".
Keep writing!
2007-06-18 02:10:08 · answer #2 · answered by grace 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suggest that this poem end with one of life's decisions :
When all else seems lost and the future looks bleak-- when you're flat on your face and no hand reaches out to lift you up---should you give up,or get UP and LOOK for a reason to carry on?
Leave the reader thinking.
You have a good poem in the making.
2007-06-18 01:37:55 · answer #3 · answered by ZEE 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Looks like you've put a lot of effort and heart into this poem......reminds me of Emily Dickinson. Her poetry was very bleak, but heartfelt...allowed us a glimpse into the darker side of her personality. The rhyme in this poem is really good, although a little simplistic. I would encourage you to continue your writing.
2007-06-18 01:31:13 · answer #4 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it could use a lil work. the third stanza i would have used "werent" instead of arent, since you were giving a reason for something happening at that moment....but the rhyme scheme was alright, ive seen alot of poetry lately doin that, but its okay
then again, it could be great...its 1 35 now, so im real ******* tired, keep writin tho, its a fun hobby
2007-06-18 02:35:03 · answer #5 · answered by Glitch 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about switching the last two paragraphs around.
( Then " The future's not promising... )
will fit in good with the first paragraph, and
make a good ending.
I like It, nice job. :-)
2007-06-18 01:27:35 · answer #6 · answered by elliebear 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋