Pros and Cons?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We are definetely at a crossroads in our relationship. We are probaby going to get engaged sometimes w/ in the next year.

I'm excited, but I"m also scared. What if he's not the one. I don't ever want to be divorced. My parents were divorced and I just can't go through with it.

I'm trying to make up pros and cons as to reasons to stay in a relationship/marriage, and reasons not to. What kind of questions should I ask myself.

Questions in terms of dating, engagement, marriage and family.

Thanks.

I should mention, I do love him. But, I have a hard time making decisions about life altering situations. I have anxiety and I worry about the worst case scenerio for EVERY situation in life. It's my nature. I use to go to a therapist about it. She told me to write down pros and cons, when I feel my anxiety. So, this really has less to do with loving my boyfriend and more to do with calming my bad anxiety disorder.

Answer 1

It seems like you've really already made your mind up what you want to do... but you're searching for excuses to do the oppoiste, how you've worded things makes it hard to tell...

Either:

You want to get married but are scared so looking for reasons to say no

or

You really dont want, but are trying to convince yourself that you'll be fine.

I think you need to go with your gut instinct here.
I think you already know the answer.

Answer 2

OK, this goes beyond just normal cold feet. If you have repeated anxiety over "life altering" decisions and freeze up when it comes to making a choice, you have a problem that is better treated by a psychiatrist. Get a referral from your regular medical doctor.

Another sign that you may have an organic/medical problem is your anxiety about whether you could ever go through a divorce. None of us ever enters into a relationship knowing what the future will be, but we don't avoid relationships or commitments altogether because of what might happen later.

Before you make a series of bad choices in your life through anxiety, get this checked out medically.

Answer 3

Many churches, especially Catholic ones have marriage courses.
They usually do not charge very much for them.
The courses are pretty standardized, with a questionnaire.
This helps you look at some serious questions you need to consider.
Chances are, if your parents divorced, they did not have these skills.
You don't have to be formally engaged, to take such a course.
You don't actually have to be a member of that church.
Although to get married there you will have to join.
Don't get caught up in discussing the wedding plans.
First talk about planning for the long-term marriage.
Discuss religion, children, family, culture, etc.

Answer 4

You are right that it's important to go on many other factors than just feeling. Blindly jumping into marriage causes divorce. It seems like lately, people talk all about their feelings and forget their 'heartless' rational.

You'll need to ask the basic life questions for his opinions on life goals, careers, money, travel, pets, politics, religion, housework and upkeep, partnership, in-laws and family, children etc.

The decision to be in a long term committed relationship isn't something that is natural or something you just feel. It's culturally ingrained in us though, so people think that. Ask yourself, what's the point of marriage? Why do I think people get married? Ask some married people that you know. There are certainly pros and cons and some of them would be very personal, ask yourself, is this what I want? Instead of just feeling like you do because that's what everyone else in our culture feels like.

Anyone with two cents worth of a brain is going to be worrying about the possibilities of divorce when they decide to get married. To deny the possibility is to deny reality. It happens, but if you and your love are absolutely committed, loving and compatible, it lowers your chances. Yea, sure, marriage is a gamble, but really even if it fails, it was an experience. **** happens.

Answer 5

Proposals: Are You Ready for Married Life?
You're about to take the plunge -- but you both need to think about some things first, if you haven't already. Here's a checklist...
SAVE TO NOTEBOOK
EMAIL THIS ARTICLE
PRINT THIS ARTICLESo you're in a relationship, and you're thinking about taking the plunge of all plunges -- marriage! How can you be sure, really sure, that you're making the right decision? Well, you can't. But we've come up with a list of issues to help you with the big questions. Read through them and see what you think.When it comes to thinking about the future of your relationship, sometimes questions are the answer.



Relationship


You go to each other for advice, and you almost always come away feeling better about things.

You are supportive of each other's decisions, even when they suck -- er, we mean, when you just don't agree with them.

You tell your honey when he or she has hurt you instead of holding a grudge.

You are generally able to resolve fights to your mutual satisfaction.

You both know that relationships take work, and you are willing to go the distance.

You respect, admire, listen to, and just plain like each other, gosh darn it!

You share enough of the same interests and friends that you don't feel like you are always on your own.


Money


You have similar spending/saving habits, or you've discussed how you'll each compromise to keep the peace.

You have the same attitude about paying bills or debt management.

You are aware of each other's total present debt, if any.

You have discussed how you will merge your finances once you get married, and you are comfortable with the plan.

You have told your honey about all your assets and have no hidden nest eggs, "just in case."

You have similar definitions of a "comfortable" income, and similar or symbiotic income goals.


Sex


Your sexual needs are compatible, and you are both satisfied with your lives between the sheets (or on the kitchen table, in the shower, or wherever).

You are comfortable giving and taking sexual suggestions and requests.

Birth control is something you consider a joint responsibility, and you have openly discussed your options and preferences.

You use sex as a healthy and FUN expression of your LOVE, not as a way to gloss over problematic issues in your relationship, a weapon, or an easy way to solve disputes (without addressing the root of the argument).

You've 'fessed up about your sexual past (at least most of it!) and had frank discussions about STDs and previous partners (or lack thereof).


Family


You generally get along with each other's families (we're not talking about a sappy love fest, just general friendliness and goodwill), and if not, you've at least discussed to what extent they will play a role in your future family life.

You are willing and prepared to regard each other as your most important familial relationship after you get married.

You have similar religious beliefs or you have discussed how to incorporate religion into your future family.

You've talked about children -- how many you want, or if you want them at all.

If you have children from a previous marriage, he or she treats them with respect and kindness.

You've considered not only the future responsibility of caring for your honey, but also the possibility of caring for their parents or other family members.

If a majority of these statements are true about your relationship, you're in great shape -- we say go for it! But if the majority are "don't know" or "no way," your relationship needs more work before you're ready to tie the knot. Don't despair -- knowing what you need to tackle is half the battle.

-- Alison Salat Bernstein

Answer 6

just think, would you still like to wake up next to him in 10 or so years. do you have a good friendship and alot of love? can you see yourself with him later on in life? do you communicate well? i just took that big step and got married and i was scared and excited. but i am very glad now that i have done it. my best mate got married when she was 19 and has already been married 3 years and still going strong. so just really the main thing is DO YOU LOVE HIM AND WANT TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH HIM

Answer 7

if you are writting down pros and cons for getting engaged and married, then you are not ready for that step and maybe he is not the one for you. when someone falls in love and they want to be with that person, it's a feeling like no other. you want to be with that person for all time.....there is no second guessing....you KNOW. it's really that simple. good luck on what you decided to do...