Have I ruined my daugher's High School Years?

Question

I feel really bad when I listen or half listen to my ex-husband's voicemail messages. He bascially says that we should get back together for our daughter's sake. She is a bright, intelligent girl and we have not taken care of her as we should have.

She does not have a good GPA and is going into the 11th grade. I feel like I have let her down in that I have not helped her where I should have.

My ex-husband has sole physical and legal custody and lives in another state alone with her.

I think that maybe I messed up her life because now she does not have good grades and can not get into a good college.
My ex-husband blames me and I feel partly responsible.

I don't know what to do though. He is not willing to give custody to me. He still feels that she will be better off with both parents.

If I go live in the state where he is, he will pressure me to come back....

Answer 1

Staying together for the children doesn't work and never has, so that is pointless.

If your daughter had a bad year, she should be able to pick it up (give her plenty of phone support). She can go to freshmen year at one college and then transfer to virtually any other college totally based on her college grades, for sophomore year. That was the trick professors at my univ. told students who were unable to get into really competitive schools.

Also, note that colleges don't just look at the total GPA, but also look at what occurred other years. If she had a bad sophomore year and picked it up in Junior and Senior year, it's not as much of a problem as you think unless her only choices are the top schools in the country. Colleges are perfectly aware that there are divorces, deaths, and other things going on in life.

Answer 2

Your daughter might have bad grades because her father was a little too soft on her or allowed her to think she could excuse her bad study habits by blaming you for not being there.

He has her living with him and he is the main provider of discipline and care. He has been slacking or she would have better grades. Its not your fault.

You cannot move close to them without him making you all miserable. She is of an age where the court would consider her opinion. Try to get custody. See if you can convince her to want to come live with you so that you can work on her grades and her future.

If not, try the webcam suggestion and be there for her as much as you can be from far away. Its not too late, she can bring her grades up next year and still apply to good schools. She can also go to a community college, get good grades, prove herself, and transfer to a bigger college or university after a year or two.

Answer 3

You don't have to get back with your ex to be there for your daughter. The main thing is letting your daughter know that she is the main thing in your life and that you still love her. I think your ex is trying to give you terms and those terms are come back and be a family or sit back and watch our daughter suffer and that is not fair. Talk to your husband and see if you can reason with him to let you take more of a responsibility with your daughter. Tell him even though you two have problems shouldn't be a reason to make the child suffer. She needs you both. Your statement have you ruined your daughters High School years insinuate that you feel guilty for whatever took place. Remember the past is the past and there is no reason to rehash it so move forward and concentrate on your daughter.

Answer 4

Do you want to get back together? Because if you do not and he is putting pressure on you then it will turn out worse than it is now. Does your daughter want to live with you? She is at the age where she has a choice. And if she says no, it might mean that your husband is making her feel guilty about the divorce and pressuring her to live with him. I do not believe that you solely ruined your daughters high school years. Why isn't your husband making sure that she studies or has a tutor to help her out. Because he has sole custody, it his his job to make sure that she is doing well in school. I would seriously think about trying to talk to your daughter about moving with you. Also, she is at that age where she seriously needs to live with her Mom.

Answer 5

You don't say why you're no longer with your ex... did he abuse you? Cheat on you? And why don't you have custody over your daughter? A few more details would be helpful...

Your ex is right that children tend to do better in two-parent families than with only one. If you live in a different state and don't see your daughter at all, you do need to consider the impact your absence is having on her life. It's very likely that she feels like you abandoned her. You need to focus on what's best for your daughter, and being a part of her life might very well be in her best interest. Living in the same city as she does would be a good start - wanting to avoid your ex's "pressure" is not a good enough reason to desert your daughter. Move to her city, and maybe get some counseling for all of you.

Answer 6

Is there a way you can have more of an influence on your daughter from where you are? Can you get webcams and communicate everynight? Can you call everyday? There are ways to have an impact and reinstill postive feelings in her without getting back together with your husband.

What are the visitation rights you have? Does she spend summers and vacations with you? You need to start speaking to her. Shes in 11th grade, its time you build that relationship. She can improve her grades in her last years and perhaps won't start off the best college but that doesn't mean it has to remain that way.

Answer 7

OK,
Her grades are a reflection on her lack of doing well in school.Weather she didn't apply herself or not.It's nobodies fault but her own.Did you see the movie from Harlem to Harvard ?People can rise above many of liefs challenges
Your hubby's blaming you because..He Can ! And you know it will not be all sweet and peaceful if you did go back.He will never let you forget the divorce.NEVER.He just wants you back and will pressure you any way he can.
You can have a daily relationship with your daughter via the phone and Internet
Don't guilt yourself....I say lay blame where it goes..Then step forward from now...Good Luck

Answer 8

You need to choose witch is worst; what she is going through right now or that it's better to stay in a bad marriage? I think you can till talk to her every day or at least e-mail & IM her. You can't be there physically, but you can be there emotionally for her.
He is trying to get you back by playing the "hurt child card", where was this side of him before & during the divorce?
You are the only one who can help her, what is best for both of you over the net 20yrs?

Answer 9

I came very close to leaving my wife when our daughter was in HS. I was even looking at apartments. Our daughter had a very good friend, Sheila. Sheila was an honor student, played on volleyball and soccer teams, and was a ball of fire. Sheila's parents divorced and Sheila went right down the toilet. She flunked classes, got into drugs, police record. I rethought my problems and decided I could stick it out till our daughter was out of school. I am glad I did. BTW, somewhere along the way, my wife and I got back on track with each other and are soon celebrating our 41st anniv. I have never told my wife how close I came to leaving, but our daughter knows.

Answer 10

Your ex-husband wants you back, and he is using your daughter as an argument to try to convince to to come back and all live together again. Whatever happened to cause the split is apparently forgiven by him since he wants you back, but you still seem to have a problem with that. Maybe you need to re-examine your position and see if the break-up was a mistake and that maybe you could get back together again. He wants you back, and the daughter argument is an effort on his part to win you over.