Should I tell her?

Question

I am a married man. Happily and faithfully married for 8 years. The only problem is, I sometimes have fantasies about other men. My wife has no idea about this and it would totally freak her out. I have no intention of following up on these so is it wrong of me to keep it from her or should I tell her?

Answer 1

What do you think she's going to do with this information once you share it with her? Women never forget anything and you will have given her something to stress over and bring up forever. Unless you plan to follow through with your fantasy....leave it as that. People have strange fantasies all the time that they never intend to take into reality so forget about it.

Answer 2

The question is, are you being true to yourself? Did you have these "FANTASIES" before you were married? Although you SAY you have no intentions on acting on these fantasies is it because you're afraid of the consequences? You're having these thoughts for a reason. Maybe you have a different preference or want to experience this- However I think it would be good to tell your wife. A marriage is a partnership- and no business is successful without trust in your partner! As they say, the truth hurts, but it's better than waiting until "whatever is in the dark comes to light" and Im sure if she finds out without you telling her it would be worse. Good Luck and have FAITH that your wife will be understanding and non-judgemental.

Answer 3

Two things you should consider.

1- You said she would be freaked out by it.
2. You said you have no intention of following thru on the fantasies.

To save your wife the grief don't tell her. BUT...should you ever change your mind and want to experiment, you MUST tell her. As long as it STAYS a fantasy it's OK not to say anything.

Answer 4

These are my favorite kinds of questions. I like to see if somebody can stump me, and you have.
The words "totally freak her out" sounds like a red flag. We don't know anything about her except for this comment. Based on that comment alone, I'd have to say that you don't want her to become disgusted with you sexually, or start to wonder if you have ever thought about acting on that, and suddenly become suspicious of you. Then again, maybe "totally freak her out" just means that she would be very surprised. Nobody knows her here, but you. You should know her basic feelings about homosexuality and bisexuality. If you don't, watch brokeback mountain and bring it up or watch and see if she squirms through the kissing parts before you confess such a thing.
Normally I feel that a couple should have no sexual secrets. But I wonder about a couple things with you, one, is this a passing fancy, or is this a part of you, something you have fantasized about for many years? Sometimes by analyzing such fantasies we can learn to understand them, and sometimes understanding them makes them stop. I don't condone fantasizing about others, so I'm conservative on this issue, but I also think that bisexual fantasies are far less threatening to a marriage than fantasizing about other women, and vise versa, for the women fantasizing about a female/female encounter versus fantasizing about other men while married.
That said, It sounds like your marriage is very secure. Will she be threatened by such a confession or not? If she would, I suggest that you keep it to yourself and try to understand it to find out if it will disappear. If it really is a part of you, then at some point I think she should know who she is married to, because I think that is every married partner's right, no matter what the people say who think that secrets are ok, I don't! It's not fair to be living a life with someone and they only share part of themselves, it's being cheated out of the truth.
But until you feel that she won't "freak out" I would work my way up to telling her such a thing, maybe little hints.

Answer 5

You know your wife well enough by now. So, if you know that she'll freak out, and you know that you don't have any intentions of following through on this, than what purpose will it serve to tell her ? None, absolutely none. Don't disturb the waters for nothing.

These are fantasies in your mind, and that's where you should keep them, in your mind.

Answer 6

No it isn't wrong to keep them from her. As you said, these are just fantasies. You said yourself you have no intention of ever acting on them so why invite trouble? Keep the fantasies to yourself unless you have a true desire to be with a man then you owe it to your wife to tell her where your head is.

Answer 7

If you are sure you will never act on these fantasies then I strongly suggest you keep it to yourself. Once you tell your wife about this it will always be in the back of her mind and everytime you go somewhere with a male buddy she will be wondering. Please don't put her through that if there are no intentions of doing this.

Answer 8

If you are 100% sure you'll never act on these fantasies, don't tell her. DON'T TELL HER. Your fantasies are yours and yours alone. It would just give her a reason to worry, not only about other men, but about your marriage.

Answer 9

You don't need to tell her at this point. She will feel hurt and confused.

But, you should do some work on yourself. Get control of your temptations and work on yourself.

Figure out what triggers these thoughts and avoid it. It's up to us to protect ourselves and our marriage by building boundaries for ourselves.

Maybe a forum that you can find support in ways to handle those sexual temptations that you struggle with.

Answer 10

Keep your mouth shut unless you want to open pandora's box. This is definitely not something women want to hear.

If you decide to act on these fantasies, then give her the option of leaving you. She deserves to make the decision.