How do I get over feeling bad about my life did not work out?

Question

I feel bad about the way that my life has turned out in comparison to others.

I constantly feel bad and sad about my marriage failing. I also do not have custody of my 15 year old daughter. I feel bad that I could not give her the best in life. She lives with her Dad in another state.

At my age, most people are busy raising their kids. They give their kids time, attention and love.

I am alone and have to find things for myself to do. I also don't have the satisfaction of seeing my child grow up.

I guess I do have to look at the positive - I am healthy and have employment at this time. I can also support myself financially and do not need to depend on anyone.

Yet, life seems incomplete without a family. I wonder if my mother-in-law's words will come true in that I will regret not putting my family back together.

My ex-husband wants to get back together with me. Yet, I don't want to because we have both not changed and it will be bad for our daughter.

Answer 1

First of all, you say "my life did not work out" and yet your life is not over. If you aren't on your deathbed, you have time to make changes TODAY and start living and improving ONE DAY AT A TIME.

1. You feel bad about your marriage failing. What did each of you, or one of you do, to contribute to this? Marriage is a bank account. You have to put in more deposits than you make withdrawals. Was one or the other of you involved with alcohol, drugs, gambling or some other addiction that you put ahead of your marriage? If so, seek help for this via AA, NA, Gamblers Anonymous, etc. If your ex wants to get back together and one or the other of you is still actively involved in some type of "deal-breaking" behavior (addiction, adultery, abuse) then DON'T even think about getting back with him and don't do it so your daughter has two parents in the same house. I grew up with two parents who stayed together until I was 16 and I used to pray every day that my mother would leave and take us. I would rather have lived in a cardboard box with my mother than at home.

2. You say you are alone and have to find things for yourself to do. You should be spending that time trying to fix the parts of your life you are unhappy with. Start looking for a job in the state your daughter lives in if you really want to be "raising her." Since you aren't married and don't have other kids, you should be willing to pick up stakes and move nearer to your child and try day by day to improve things. I don't care if it's taking her to a movie. My daughter is 16 and believe me, girls need a mother.

3. By all means, seek therapy if you feel the need to pay someone to agree with you or tell you what other people will tell you for free. If you feel you need medication or anti-depressants to treat a problem, fine. But my thought on therapy is that after a year, you should have clarity, understanding, and be able to be self-directing if the therapist is at all worth anything.

Answer 2

You need to move close to your child. Being in another State is depriving her of your love and affection, and it's depriving you of the same from her. It's depriving her of a "family" atmosphere that can be maintained even though you are divorced, she needs both parents in close proximity. Once she reaches 18 then you can see about going your separate ways, if that's what it takes. You can give your child that time, attention and love that you're so desirous of giving.

I'm sure you could probably find a good job close to your daughter's home and not have any problems supporting yourself. Look around on the Internet and at the State One-Stops for employment in the area before you move. Get yourself set and then make the move, but just don't wait too long to do it. Time's awastin' and your daughter's getting older. You're missing out on things with her.

Moving to be closer to your child does not mean that you have to get back together with your ex-husband unless you want to and feel that it's in your best interest.

Now come on, you haven't totally messed up your life to the point that it can't be put back to some normalcy. It just seems that way right now. But all is definitely not lost.

Get yourself on the move girl, start looking for that job, and do it now.

Answer 3

I agree with Tess...you can't say your life was a failure until you get to the end. Maybe the best is yet to come? I am also feeling the pain of a child that has been more or less ripped out of my life. I know how bad that hurts and it seems like everyone else just tells you to suck it up or get over it. It's not easy but it's not over either. Nobody can know what will happen in the future.

Don't you remember a time when you were a teenager and you had a problem that seemed like it was all that mattered? You got through that and are stronger today because of it. It didn't happen overnight but at some point you Just let go of it and get on with your life.

Good luck and remember that your life story is still being written....

Answer 4

WOW - that's a lot of information. Sounds like you would like to get back with your ex if things could be different. Ignore your Mom and anyone else who is feeding you this negativity. Get counseling, then family counseling. If you really want to get back together with your ex and re-build your family, then it can be done. One step at a time. Get some help for your self-esteem first. Go from there.

In the meantime - call your daughter... a lot. Let her know that you love her. Don't make promises you can't keep and don't try to make her into your girlfriend - she needs to stay a kid a bit longer. Your love is all she needs.

Talk to your ex. Find out of he's serious about wanting to get back together. If he is tell him you are willing to try as well. But make sure you get the counseling. You have a lot more issues here than you are sharing.

All the best to you and your family. They are lucky - some Moms don't want to even think about trying.

Answer 5

therapy.