Do you like my haiku?

Question

I had to write this for LA this year in poetry. It was a response poem to a picture of a sunset:

Hiding behind the clouds.
Illuminating the sky.
The day is over.

Let me know what you think!

Oh ok thanks, I guess I didn't realize the first line is more than 5.

Answer 1

To keep the traditional 5-7-5 rhythm, eliminate "the" before "clouds." I don't think there is a word for "the" in Japanese, anyway. The subject is "day." First, you have it hiding behind the clouds, then you have it illuminating the sky. It would make sense for the last line to be: "New day has begun!" Otherwise, the imagery doesn't make sense.

Answer 2

Yep, it is 5-7-5 as classic haiku are. The browning of the leaves is a seasonal reference, there is a major break and there is a related observation beyond the physical in the third line. Qualifies as a haiku in English all day long. Rather nice. Bear in mind that Japanese is very different from English, so it is most difficult to achieve the Japanese standards for haiku in an English format. This is as good a go at it as any.

Answer 3

Very pretty ! But your first line has one too many syllables. It's supposed to be 5, 7, 5. This one is 6, 7, 5. Maybe you could start with something like "hidden 'neath the clouds" ?

Answer 4

Take out "the" in the first line. It is one syllable too long. "Hiding behind clouds" still has the same feeling and is 5 syllables. Nice other than that.

Answer 5

Clouds pass by my love
Everchanging shapes to see
Carnival of clowns

Answer 6

No, your first line has one too many syllables.

Answer 7

Its lovely

Answer 8

Not bad.

Answer 9

wow. i think its really good!

Answer 10

i dont get it!!!!!!!!