(posted this months back in wrong section so not many viewed it)
I sit here amongst the darkness
Scared, alone and tormented
A rusted unused weapon I brush upon cold lips
Shaking, trembling and crying
No longer will life taunt me
Will this deadly weapon shatter the skull?
Walls blood stained, sanguineous
Stiff fingers clench the trigger
Peace and agony marry
Tear filled eyes close as the mind clears
The trigger is pulled
All memories hope and dreams
Are gone
2007-06-17 10:55:45 · 12 answers · asked by Countess Bathory 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
What I wrote is not reality and it will never be reality
2007-06-17 11:07:54 · update #1
Countess...I just wanted to clarify to you that this IS, indeed, a poem. As I read it, I had no problems connecting with it, the meter is perfect, the rhythm is perfect... the imagery, and metaphors...
You really packed a lot of great poetic devices in there... You truly have great command of your pen...
GOOD FOR YOU!..... GREAT poem, in every way...!!! =)
Please, please, I beg you not to put down that pen!!!
2007-06-17 14:47:02 · answer #1 · answered by blueskies 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I VERY much like the way you thread imagery & metaphors through this. I hope it's not the last you'll post. I got into this section just last night; all my poetry & studies in some dusty file drawer. I'm glad to have it brought to mind again. Elaine P is incorrect. This IS a poem. I wonder if she has ever heard of free verse, Activist Poetry, etc., or what she thinks a poem IS. This, my dear is a poem, & a very good one. I can be a harsh critic, & never say I like something just to be "nice." I'd forgotten my poetry phase, thank you for bringing it to the surface & all the dust motes that float with it! I truly hope you'll share more. This is no longer my profession/s, but I'd like to add you just to see more.
Edit: This perverse PC refuses to include "Dream researcher"--I've tried 3 times.
2007-06-17 14:27:36 · answer #2 · answered by Psychic Cat 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Countess, This is an International work!! Did it ever occured to you that this poem can be a winner in poetic competitions. You have a remarkable prowess on words!!! just one line more and the poem will be called a sonnet!!
REFILL YOUR INK AND DON"T LET IT RUN DRY!!!
But why choose "Suicide" or is it "Murder" as the theme?? I always thought those kind of subject matter are written by men and not women. Your talent is doubtless!! keep it up!!
2007-06-18 06:08:14 · answer #3 · answered by Freeman 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is an elementary, yet very candy piece of artwork. i'm afraid I shall might desire to disagree with guy undergo Pig in case you get rid of the fast it would ruin that finished area, and likewise i do no longer think of it demands extra stanzas, a poem does not might desire to be long to be stable, and that's stable as this is. this is totally twee, and that i agree that this is totally nursery rhyme in this is style, i think of it would in nice condition completely right into a decision of youngster's nursery rhymes or poems, even a waver area of a youngster's tale e book.
2016-10-09 10:01:22 · answer #4 · answered by garen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
...glad to know about the reality thing!
dont make it your last, you have talent for words with visions.
at first i thought the rusty weapon was an old lipstick case. It starts in a darkness and ends in a different kind. you mixed the colors of darkness. very good.
2007-06-17 11:15:41 · answer #5 · answered by burn out 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like the way the poem is formed. As the poem nears its end, the lines get smaller. Often, aesthetics make a poem that much more powerful and moving. Kudos to you.
2007-06-18 06:52:32 · answer #6 · answered by Cinnibuns 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have some feeling for imagery. I especially like the seemingly opposites "peace and agony" in your line "Peace and agony marry." However, I don't care what the others say, this is NOT a poem. It's a story in verse form. However, I urge you to keep writing. But please, read some real poetry, learn something about meter, enjambment, and rhythm. You already seem to sense something about metaphor, but it needs to be refined. I'm sure that eventually you'll actually write a poem.
2007-06-17 11:26:46 · answer #7 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Very good. I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination but i do know what i like.
It's like ....one moment of madness,
coupled with sad events.......NICE!!!
If you do decide not to post anymore poems than at least keep writing for yourself.
Be well.
2007-06-17 22:28:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very good, but it needs more info about the context of the weapon, I always liked dark poetry...
2007-06-17 13:07:12 · answer #9 · answered by Black Mamba 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nice. A lot better than some of the junk I've seen.
Keep them coming.
2007-06-17 11:03:30 · answer #10 · answered by Jadochop 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋