Alcoholic husband, lies, relapse, divorce? or stand by my man?

Question

I have known my husband since I was 16, (now 36). We have been together 7 years and married 2. When we first got together, we were both going out partying and having a good time on the weekends, that I did not have my son. On the days that my son was home, I did not drink but he did. It got to where he was drinking everyday and would drink until he would pass out. He admits to being an alcoholic and knows he has a problem. We have been working on our marriage for the last two years, started going to church. It has been a rough road, with lies, him hiding bottles around the house and everywhere else he thought I wouldn't look, and lies about pills (hydrocodone-lortabs). In general, I feel our marriage has been one big lie.... but I love him. I have tried in every way to be as supportive as I know to be. He lost his job, went back to school and has earned his degree all during this hell we have been going through. He is now unemployed and I am working as many hours as my job will let me.

He had quit drinking for about the past three - four months and last Friday, he told me he was tired of sitting at home and was going out whether I liked it or not and went to a party where he knew he was going to get drunk. I told him that if he went it was over. He went and did not come home until 1 a.m. (didn't drive) doesn't remember coming home, and of course is now very apologetic all over again and saying he wants help and all the same stuff he always has said everytime this has happened before. I am so tired of going through this and I said for better or worse in sickness and health, but my mental health cannot handle much more of this. I feel like I am the only person who cares in this marriage and I am the only person willing to do whatever it takes and he is taking me down a road of pure hell. He says he loves me but it's hard to believe when he keeps doing the same thing over and over hurting me over and over and making me feel like I don't matter over and over. Sooo tired!

He went to AA but quit going and would sit in a parking lot when he was supposed to be there and drink. I honestly think the only way he will ever do anything is if he is admitted into a rehab, but we have no money and no insurance on him for treatment.

My son is from a previous marriage, my mother is dead. As for my enabling him, I used to two years ago, but I have not drank or given him or "let" him drink since then. It is his choice and that is where the hiding the bottles came into play. I am taking care of my son in every way, I work and pay the bills and put food on the table. I am a good mother and would be a good wife, but I feel like I am missing the husband to be a good wife to. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, it's just that the alcohol is loved more. Sad to say. I am not defending his behaviour and I understand this is an illness, but cancer patients (which was what my mother was before she died) get treatment, he should too, but how?!!
I feel helpless and lost. What else am I supposed to do?

Is there any treatment centers that treat people with no insurance? Where could he get help if he wanted to? I have checked on AlAnon and have been online meetings. There are only AA meetings in my area and that includes everyone Alcoholics and the families, I don't want to be around the alcoholics, because I have come to the point of not feeling any sympathy for them... I can't anymore.

Answer 1

Leave him, but don't give up on him. When I was younger, I was very controlling and had a bad temper. My wife left, and it caused me to grow up and ask for help. I sought counseling, and my doctor diagnosed me with Anxiety and Severe Depression. I made myself better, and now my wife and I get along better than we ever did before the separation.

Answer 2

You are in a very difficult situation, especially now that you have a son.

You cannot help your husband. Keep saying that to yourself. Loving him is nice, but, it will not treat the disease any more than if he had cancer. Helping him get help is standing by him - you will help him most by leaving him so he can get help from a professional. (he may not, but, you have to do everything in your power to point him in the correct way)

Learn exactly what happens in this disease (do some Googling) Lies are part of the disease. Many alcholics can stay off booze for 12 - 18 months - then it is worse than ever. Your husband needs professional help. He will have to decide to get it.

You might consider going to alanon as a partial support system - or some other group that will support spouses who are dealing with family with drug illness.

You must not be around him! For his own good and for your son's good and for yours! This is not easy, but, remember, you will be doing what you can to stop enabling him.

This disease is so hard on the family - much harder on them than the addict - they self medicate when the going gets tough leaving the family to pick up the responsibilities and the pieces.

The sooner you get away, the sooner you will have put it on the line for him to start recovery. The toughest part of all this is that sometimes, they never will step up to the plate and get help - there is NOTHING you can do, expcept protect yourself and your son from the emotional abuse this causes.

Remember it is impossible to have a relationship with an addict! It is not a "fault" thing - they are just not capable of any emotions - maybe anger, but, with anger they will self medicate.

I know this is heart breaking for you, but, you must not lose yourself or your son in this.

Stay strong - get as much support as you can from groups familiar with this and your family and friends. These groups will become like family and keep you going.

Sending strength your way!

Answer 3

I think if there's still love there, you should stand by him. Alcoholism is a disease, and for many addicts, recovery is an uphill battle. He doesn't want to be an alcoholic any more than you want him to be. You didn't mention AA, but it's a vital part of his recovery, and Al-Anon meetings are for family and friends of alcoholics. I suggest you both start attending the respective meetings:AA will teach him the 12 steps to recovery, as well as set him up with a sponsor who will be there for him during his weak moments (potential relapses) and Al-Anon will help you to better understand the disease, provide tips and warning signs, and teach you how to not be an enabler.

Good luck to you both. This is going to be a painful recovery for him, and it will MUCH easier with you by his side.

Answer 4

I was in a similiar situation when I was 16, we had 2 children then I divorced. I moved on & got a life and he is still w/ his grandma. When we take vows or fall in love at the young niave age of 16 we believe we can help them get better, only they make us worse instead. We keep putting our heart & soul on the line only to be lied to and made to feel foolish for ever believing them. The truth is people only chasnge when they want to and once a liar most people don't change that it's in his nature. U have to decide if losing yoursefl in your marriage with someone that u know will probably never change is worth it all and the things your kids will pick-up on just by living in the home with these examples. I know it is scarey, but pray to God and keep goin g to church, cause if you're strong enough to put up with the crap, you are strong enough to stand by your decision. Good luck.

Answer 5

Jeez, this sounds like I could have written it! We were together for 10 years, married for 8. He was a beer drinker. I couldn't tell you how many 12 packs I've poured down the drain . . . well, let me tell you, they weren't the only things going down the drain. I finally had enough in August and filed for divorce. He was devastated and again came at me with the whole "I'm sorry," "I'll get help this time," and "it'll never happen again." I was done. I can't tell you how many times I'd heard those words and this time they were falling on deaf ears. We do have two children together, but I can tell you that I am so much better off without him.

Answer 6

Do you think an intervention would work? I know it sounds cheesy, like something from a sitcom. Maybe he just needs to hear this from someone other than you to make him realize he has a problem.

If this doesn't work, he is obviously not going to change. Maybe you should consider separating for awhile so that both of you can sort through your feelings and decide what's best, for you and your son.

Answer 7

He doesn't sound like he's ready to be sober any time soon. You should cut your losses and run. Be good to yourself and quit being abused. You need to make sure your child has a safe secure place to visit you, if your son has to visit you. You are not your husband's keeper. You say he has a degree, but is not working now. He probably likes to drink more than being in the job market. Fergittaboutit!! Move on to greener pastures.

Answer 8

If you love him don't give up -- yet. Try counseling. Try getting him to understand exactly why it bothers you. Don't bring up the lies or how hurt you feel, because bringing it up too much can just make him angry. Show him sites on alcoholism and tell him how much you love him and want to spend your life with him as a family. He needs to see how wonderful life is and how much you love him. Maybe that will turn him around for good :)

Answer 9

You're doing a fine job of enabling his alcoholism and if you want things to change, you'll need to stop helping him with the booze and drugs. In this case, standing by your man would mean that you tell him to get his fanny to AA and fly right or move out. You're right about the marriage being one big lie and it will be tough to change. Get to Al Anon and get help. You are working on the marriage by yourself because you're dealing with and talking to the booze and drugs, not to the guy.

Answer 10

Pack your things, go to mom's and tell her you made a mistake.Then tell him when he is ready to be a responsible husband and father and get some help then maybe you can work things out.If not,you'll be expecting child support and he only gets supervised visits since he is an alcoholic and a drug user.