Another one that is a touch too intense for some users.?

Question

Burnt

A serpent doesnt know its scary, it just seems to be,
Likewise scorpions and lizards too, all of them you see.
A Gila Monster doesn't know, he's uglier than sin,
Likewise some human beings, kept locked up in a pen.

Deep inside we all have things, that scare us half to death,
If ever they were to escape, like a madman strung on meth.
I keep mine all caged and locked, safely tucked away
If he were to ever escape, I don't know what I'd say.

He's more evil than Charles Manson, a bulet to the brain,
He'd make John Wayne Gacy, seem awfully damn lame.
You see my monster is alive, and grows stronger every day,
I fear one day he'll snap his chains, the world his to slay.

So just remember that I warned, he's coming here one day,
Vlad the Impalers got nothing on him, and he's here to stay.
Death will not come quickly, in fact the pain will be real slow,
You see my monster is sadistic, A fact you need to know.

Answer 1

If it is supposed to be satirical, then it's not too bad. Kind of silly, if you ask me. In a good way. Funny, but definetly not deep. I cannot take it seriously. I mean, I know it's about the "inner anger and savage" such as far as you portray, but it makes me laugh. "You see my monster is sadistic, a fact you need to know." How can I take that seriously?

But if you meant it as a funny, light-hearted poem about serious topics, then good job.

Answer 2

Well, we can expect a first most improvement for the iPod touch 2nd gen. It's the Bluetooth. Apple has announced that the iPhone OS 3.0 update will unlock Bluetooth capability on the second generation iPod Touch, as the included Wi-Fi chip (Broadcom BCM4325) has Bluetooth and FM Radio support. I'd like to have 3G modems for iPod touch with which we can browse internet with out relying on Wi-Fi. It would be more better if it creates an app for making VoIP calls over internet, but Apple would never do this as it would become a killer app for iPhone. Apple is expected to release an iPod Touch device with a 7- to 9-inch screen in the fall of 2009. Certainly at that size, the device would be more of a tablet than an iPod, and tablet rumors have been floating around Apple for years.

Answer 3

I don't think a poem should be judged by its content; that is the poet's province. Personally, I don't find it "too intense" & certainly not grim. As I read, especially in your style, (which isn't free verse), I'm "feeling" the flow, & if the wording "stops" me, I feel caught off guard, distracted. For example, read these lines in rhythm, as if you were reading to a "beat":

I keep mine all caged and locked, safely tucked away
If he were to ever escape, I don't know what I'd say.

Now try:

I keep mine all caged and locked, safely tucked away
If he were ever to escape, I don't know what I'd say.

Do you see how reversing "to ever" & using "ever to" keeps that beat? It makes all the difference. Just one more.

You see my monster is alive, he grows stronger every day
[no "and"]
I fear one day he'll snap his chains, the world is his to slay.
[by adding "is" can you feel the rhythm? It's abrupt without the "is"]

Since you're using rhyme, try not to slip! Like with "sin" & "pen." Even if you have to rephrase. Now I'll go away & leave you alone with your muse!

Answer 4

yo!
I am sincerely worried about you, I am taking what you wrote at face value and thinking you intellectually honest...
we all have demons which haunt us, survival is indeed a noble fight, but if this is a warning, you need help... while I have no idea what kind of help you may need, I will quote you now "So just remember that I warned" you...
BTW, what was the true reason you wrote this ?

Answer 5

Well, this is...depressing. If you want people to feel sad for you, then job well done. If this is, as it appears to be, a cry for help, then you should seek counseling. If, on the other hand, this is just some attempt to say "Boo!", then it is a complete failure. Not scary, just sad...What was that Korean kids name? The one from Va Tech?

Answer 6

I think Psychic Cat has some good suggestions. Still though, even as it is, this is an amazing poem! I love it!

Answer 7

(applauding sounds) Bravo!!!! (still applauding sounds) Thy poems shalt be immortals. My wonderful undercover poet, thou angel is proud of thee.

Thou angel of San Juan
Marilyn

Answer 8

That was really good, really good words. I loved it, and it WAS NOT too dark, or too intense. I like poems like this.
:)
kara

Answer 9

ahh yes another amazing poem from you! I especially love this one!!!

Answer 10

Damn...thats is some killer writing! Your writings are unique and very interesting!