I've been married for three years and have a wonderful son. However, my mother in law is a very large speed bump in our marriage and often causes strain. I refuse to be around her or allow my son around her but never tell my husband he can not see his mother. When we first got married she advised him not to tell me everything and that it was alright to have affairs out of our marriage. That's what she was taught (hence why she's twice divorced for cheating). I know he'd never do this but I was outraged. I've often asked her to not have my son around her daughter who is back living with her, but has been in prison and is back in to drugs and she refused to do so, so he no longer goes over and we pretty much have nothing to do with her. Trying to talk to her has had no effect. I feel bad that my husband is stuck in the middle but feel I am only looking out for my sons and my best interests. What can I do to stop the strain on our marriage?
2007-06-17 09:15:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well mom was very stupid in making that comment and if the day comes that she doesn't understand why you are not around that's the time you let her know. Explain to her that you value your marriage to her son and you don't appreciate her motherly advice to your husband and your marriage. Tell her that you understood from that comment that she did not support the commitment to your marriage and raising her grandchild with both parents staying intact! let her know that you would never raise your son to believe that cheating on his wife would ever be acceptable. Tell her that she would be the last person her son should ever turn to for decent parental advice if he ever needed it! Let her know that her son is fine with you and that she needs to focus on getting her daughter some good proffesional advice and not any of hers that would cause a worse problem. Inform her that her attitude was unacceptable to you in telling her son to keep things from you and that it was ok for your husband to have affairs when married to you! Let her know that she could have had a good relationship with all of you but that was her choice and you don't trust the way she looks at life! Tell her that while she is in counseling with her daughter if she cares to ever think right about the values she tries to instill in her son maybe in the future for her grandchilds sake she could learn to be more constructive in her advice than being destructive. her ways in life may suit her purposes but they are not always the right answer for somebody else. You your husband and your son are a family now and that is the most important focus . It is about all of you now and his mother and sister are choosing their own paths in life and that is fine as long theirs do not conflict with yours. Keep yourself and your family at a safe distance untill these people find a way to straighten their own lives out. If that ever happens maybe they can be included in the future at a latter date....if not it is their loss. Best wishes sweetie.
2007-06-17 10:32:44 · answer #1 · answered by Lindsey 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-12-23 06:17:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not you that needs to do anything. If in fact all that you describe is true, than you husband should have the same feelings about not letting your son visit grandma's house.
It is great that you have never told your husband not to see his mom, that is a very mature decision.
You need to sit down with your husband and have a long, heart-felt talk about your feelings and the safety of your son.
Make some decisions together and make a pact to stick to them. 1- might be that grandma can only see our son at our home, under supervision... 2- our son can not be around his aunt for any reason until she is clean and sober... etc.
You might find that your husband will be on board if you dont cut grandma out of your son's life.
Good Luck.
2007-06-17 09:24:12 · answer #3 · answered by Tiffany 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not you who has to do something to stop the strain on your marriage, it's your husband who needs to decide on which side of the fence he will stand. You and your children are now his family, and should be top priority. And if there is anyone or anything that is causing problems or coming between you, then he needs to put a stop to it, right now !!!
I'm not saying that he should stop seeing his mother, but he has to put boundaries and limits so that his family isn't short changed while he's accommodating her.
2007-06-17 12:31:57 · answer #4 · answered by Tweety 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You cannot change other people....What's important here is that you understand that this is your husband's mother, and he will always feel torn when you make angry remarks about her and her attitude.
So ...BE SMART ! Talk to your husband in a calm way, explain to him how you feel and try to make him see that you are concerned and worried about her influence on your kid....Don't yell or threaten him because what you want to gain is his attention!
IF you can communicate with him and you can act as a TEAM, together, things will be better. HE has to put limits on his mother and sister....not you.
Good luck!
2007-06-17 09:22:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-02-11 10:15:12 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is something that you are not gonna want to hear but, you ask for it.
1) your husband should be the one standing up for you
2) you need to keep your mouth shut when it comes to his mom, otherwise you are gonna lose him.
3) she was like this when you married him, and he was like this when you married him. so basically, you knew what type of person she was/is and that your boyfriend/husband was not gonna stick up for you.
4) this is the most important one. when your son does go see grandma make sure that dad is with him at all times. don't let him leave your baby with the convict, and the crazy
in-law. when things get bad between you and her, it's your husbands job to smooth things out with the old bag.
NOT YOURS
2007-06-17 09:27:57 · answer #7 · answered by lidakamo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO!NO! NO!...You married her son not HER. Its your honeymoon not HERS. You are just starting the marriage and if you really love ur husband, start fighting now before she tears ur marriage apart....Its a plus if you can convince your husband to relocate, but if u cnt, then get strict with her in a CODED RESPECTFUL way...
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2016-04-14 03:08:21 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like you are doing the best you can. You are right to not want to have anything to do with either your mother or sister in law. Just don't ask your husband to choose, or try and stop him from seeing them, and try not to harp or complain about them, or get him to say something negative.
Just state your case to him firmly and with love. And let go and let God as they say.
2007-06-17 09:20:35 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
let your husband see what type of person his mother is being as a person not just his mom. i mean for the his mother to say its ok to have an affair i mean come on, so its up to your husband to take a stand and put his mother in her place. as for your son i would see why you would not want a negative influence in his life great choice.
2007-06-17 09:31:38 · answer #10 · answered by dodgers10 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋