Will I ever be the same?

Question

I was married for 7 years to a man who was very immoral. I didnt know it when I married him and was crushed when I found out. I didnt file for a divorce right away becuase I dont believe in divorce unless its absolutely necessary which in my case (he left for someone else and got her pregnant two weeks later) it was. I have three kids and I used to be so ambitious and happy and confident (and thin). Now I cant do anything I put my mind to. I feel weak and afraid all the time. I have prayed and tried. My ex-husband still brings me down through oue kids. I try to get away from him and he's always saying or doing something to pull me down again. My life is upside down right now and the more I struggle the worse it gets. Its been two years. How can I break free and have a life again?

Answer 1

If you know this man is a rat, then why put merit in his words?

You have decided that other people's opinions and words are worth more than yours. Why is this?

You MUST decide not to listen to what he has to say, as they are meant to crush and subjugate your siprit

Answer 2

Yes, you can return to what you were and yet not too.

There are really two issues I think based on my own experiences. The first issue is to recognize that no one can hurt you unless you are willing to be hurt. Whatever your ex has to say about you, those thoughts are only is opinion and they are based only upon his values. If you have different values whatever he has to say is not valid for you and therefor should be ignored. I'd also try to understand and accept that probably a lot is being spoken out of anger so again it's not something you should accept as credible and valid.

If you are able to grasp that concept and perhaps help your kids to understand as well, the abuse may continue but it will no longer hurt you. In time, when you don't react any more, the abuse will also stop because abuse that does not generate a reaction doesn't work for the one seeking vengeance.

The other issue isn't as simple. If you can find yourself some really supportive friends who admire you and believe in you, some of your ambitions will return. It's even better if you can find a supportive partner who admires you and believes in you. In time you'll return to what you were and get ever better.

In my own case I had just the reverse. I had a very supportive partner but at the time I didn't understand that. When we divorced I found myself also losing ambition though in my case there was no abuse, we parted friends. I did eventually remarry but alas, to someone who isn't supportive at all. That really killed my ambitions for all time.

I've managed to make up for it though by surrounding myself with friends who I respect and who are supportive. Slowly over time this restored my ambitions and I was able to strive once again. So it does work, it just takes a long time.

As to the "not" part, anytime you experience anything you also expeience growth. So while you may once again become strong and ambitious, you will also never again be the same. You are wiser now and better prepared to make a similar mistake again. You are stronger now, having withstood a lot of abuse and still enduring more. These things change you. You will not be that innocent lady you once were. But frankly, that too is a benefit for it will enable you to cope with life a lot better and it better assures your future happiness.

I hope this helps a little. Good Luck!

Answer 3

No you won't be the same, you will end up a stronger and better person. There will be times you doubt this and wonder if it is all worth the work. Yes it is.

Set boundries, but these boundries must have consequences.
Have a good friend, or therapist, counsellor, minister etc, you can talk to. Reflect on why you behave a certain way in different situations and where this behaviour comes from. Unless you work out the initial root of the behaviour it will not change. Use a diary to do this. Share with the person you can talk to. Work out how you can change this behaviour in the future, you only need to work on one thing at a time. don't overwelm yourself by working on everything at once.

Hold on to your faith

Answer 4

You will never be the same again, you will be better! Don't let your ex husbands words have any effect on you, that is the only reason you feel so down, because you allow his words to get to you. Go on with your life, and realize how lucky you are to have escaped that old life. If you have to have any type of contact with him because of the children, keep it down to a minimum. The best way to make him stop, is to show him that you have moved on and are happy in your new life. Even if you have to pretend for a while, do it, so that he will no longer feel he has any type of hold over you. You will find that as time goes by, the pretense will turn into reality.

Answer 5

You don't want to say anything about the kids dad in front of them but you don't have to put up with his BS either. I'm in a similar situation in that my ex is always trying to cause drama in the lives of everyone that has anything to do with our child or her. I gave up hoping that she'd somehow just act normal. I just realized a few things that have made all the difference.

1. Her opinions of me or how I do things don't define who I am. She might THINK that I'm a lousy parent but it doesn't mean a thing because she is wrong.

2. I can't change what she does or says.

3. I NEVER reward her bad behavior.

4. Our child will grow up and realize who did what for her eventually. That's going to be a bad day for her.

You can't contol what your ex does, by don't give any if it any power by letting it get to you. Good luck...I know it's a hard battle.

Answer 6

You have to make yourself insensitive to your ex actions. You have to get to that place where you are completely indifferent of what he thinks, says or does. Remember kids aren`t crazy they can tell when a critic is deserved or not. The fact that he puts you down in front of them will only damage his relationship with them. Do not fall into the same pattern. Even if you have lots to say about your ex, don`t do it in front of your children.

Then you have to concentrate on yyourself. Often when we got married young and for a long period we forget who we are as a woman. We become a mother and a wife and we forget all about ourself. You have to rediscover who you are, what do you want in life, what do you like. Spend time shopping for a new wardrobe, new haircut, new nails, go out with other women, register to an association of single parents, and date, date, date and date for the fun of it.

Answer 7

File for divorce as hard as this may be. Move on with your kids. They will love you forever. They are probably very young and impressionable but in the end, they will know who was true to them and who stayed to watch them grow and blossom. Start going out, even if it just to the park, with the kids. Go up to the mountains and get some much needed "fresh air"!
You are probably about the age I was when I went thru this with two kids! It is so hard but you can do it!
God Bless

Answer 8

I feel for you. You will never be the same. But you will be better and stronger. Although my recovery will take years, I already feel better physically than I've felt for years now that it's been about a year. I found a great support group at www.dailystrength.org. Hope it helps you. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

1st - no you will never be the same, and that's a good thing. Growth cannot happen without change.

2nd - he's not pulling you down, you are letting him. You need to learn to not let him affect you.

3rd - you already broke free, you are divorced. Now get counseling to deal with your insecurities.

Answer 10

You dont need to communicate with him. Only the children do.
You're no longer his whipping post. That's the very big plus of being divorced. You no longer need to listen to him demean you. Get on with your life ESPECIALLY for YOURSELF. And to give your children a strong role model.
Please take PRIDE in who YOU are!