I want to leave my husband, but I'm afraid of being alone with 2 kids, no friends or fam around any advice?

Question

My husband & I have been married for 6 yrs, together for
9, we've been through alot, but I don't want to try to make it work anymore. I 've gone to therapy about us, didn't stay very long with any I didn't want to continue spending the $. If it takes that much work & $, it's not worth it. I'm just sick of it! My fear of being alone is not $, because I'm a pharmacist it's just the not having help with kids,(2 boys 5 & 1) house, the car, & anything else that may occur. We live over 3,000 miles from my fam, which is a good & bad, bad-no help, good-at least they're not around to pass judgement. I think my 2 oldest sisters would think that i'm being too tough, that i should try to make it work for the kids espec., noone knows whats going on, i dont tell tell them anything, probably just make me feel bad. Mom unhappily married w/ dad for 25 yrs, sep., never div'ced, he pass'd away was 87. mom still angry,sad alone, depressed, 70. Old sis's shld know better!!how do i get over fear & leave?

Answer 1

Dear Tess,

I'm sure you already know that you do not want to end up like your unhappily married mother. Obviously you did not make an impulsive decision - after all, your decision impacts the lives of two children, whom I'm sure you love dearly. (And you did try therapy).

Do not fear being alone - it is going to be difficult in the beginning, of course, but this is a phase you have to go through - you're going to be lonely, and you're going to be sad. So DON'T make the mistake of rushing into a new relationship immediately, just because you fear being alone...

Being unhappy on the long term, will not only eat into your happiness and confidence, it will negatively effect your relationship with the kids, and eventually all facets of your life. What you need to do, is to find out the logistics of divorce, i.e. draw up a time line in terms of what needs to be done, by when. (A little planning goes a long way...) I know your family is not nearby, but what about friends? All of this will be so much easier on you, with a solid support system.

Oh, and one of the learning curves you're going to go through, is learning how to take care of your house and car, without help from anyone else... you will not believe how empowering an experience it will be! (So that is not a good reason for not getting divorced.)

And as far as the kids are concerned, you cannot "make things work for them" - I believe that it is better to grow up with one parent, without the constant tension that an unhappy marriage brings into a household. It is also a poor example to set, and they are likely to grow up with the idea that that is how marriage is SUPPOSED to be...

Finally, when it comes to your own life, you can only make decisions for yourself, definitely NOT to please anyone else, including your sisters - YOUR life, and as you say, they do not really know what is going on...

To get over the fear? Do a pro's and cons list, and as above, plan your actions carefully. If you know exactly what you're going to do, it will take a lot of the tension away. And have a support system in place! If you want to chat, feel free to e mail me

Answer 2

HI TESS..............I felt your question was worth an answer of some kind.......but I have questions. You didn't mention if there was abuse involved, the urgency in your question comes through. Here Gos.....Since you seem to have the resources, according to you, there is really only one option left. JUST LEAVE!!...........Do all the preparations you need to do, banks, credit cards, any other loose ends you have. Take only what you can get into your vehicle. Don't worry about figuring out where you're going, you will be able to do that once you're a couple of hundred(100)'S miles away from the things that have been a source of your state of mind for the last six(6) years. You have resources, get somewhere where you can feel safe, then you can do a quick research on what states, have what help, for a woman, with two(2) children. I live in Michigan, here, all the organizations, state or the private sector, that help people, a woman with children is usually at the top of their list in the order they pass out help. No offence, you've been sheltered for a while, so you're maybe not aware of society today. Most women I talk to, say that once they were away from their spouse, got to the spot I mentioned..........one(1) said this......."it felt like my old life, the one I'm leaving, began to slip away as the time went by, when morning came in the place we stayed, I felt free, I was able to sit down and plan my new life". So.........that's it Tess, no matter what happens, I'll pray for you, wish you and them baby's all the best, I hope you find what you need...LATER

Answer 3

I was with my hubby for 9 years, married 7. I Iived in germany, and when i found out he was cheating, i was going to stay because i was too scared of being on my own with the kids. I was so unhappy though i knew i had no choice, i have moved to wales now, where i knew 2 people, i have been here 2 and a half months, and i have realised there is life after my hubby, i have made some good friends already. I am still lonley but at least i.m not miserable anymore.

Answer 4

You should not have to stay in the marriage if you are unhappy. My parents were just like yours and I don't think you should stay together for the kids. My parents seperated when I was 16 and divorced when I was 22- I would rather them have ended it sooner than later and been happier my whole life.
I would be scared too, change is scary. But you have a great job.- that is a huge plus.
Have you talked to your husband about this?
Where does he stand? I'm sorry for your pain and unhappiness. It sucks. Plain and simple.

Answer 5

Don't make a big deal of the divorce, just split the custody so both of you have the kids the same amount of time and both pitch in for day care while you too work. It doesn't have to be that bad if both of you come to a good fair agreement. The courts and lawyers make you hate each other because all they want is money, and thats bad for the kids. Get the divorce but make it fair and stay in good terms.

Answer 6

Hey don't be afraid of living alone. It might seem difficult at first, but I went through the same thing and I'm making it. It looks scary on the other side, but your mind will be more relaxing and less stressful. I know mine is. I enjoy living single now. I too have two little ones around the same age. It does take sometime to adjust. If you believe in yourself you can make it. You made it through life this far through all your troubles.

Answer 7

ithink u may have to realy think about what u r about to do. being married is hard work there is nothing eazy about it. i don,t know what is realy going on. never the less the children do need there fathers and maybe he needs u as well. u stated u ahve been to therapy has he been with u. forgive is the best thing for all of use. unless he has beating u or had been with another women girl u have to keep trying and dont give up so soon. at the same time it sems to me ur mine is made up honey so do what u have to do good luck

Answer 8

One thing you failed to mention in your quesiton is why? Why do you want to leave your husband of 6 years? Did he beat you? Did he cheat on you? Is he never home? Why would a wife and mother of two young children want to destroy her family and putt her kids through a horribly tramatic experience of a divorce? With all due respect, I don't understand people who meet, fall in love, buy a house, get married, bring children into the world, AND THEN decide that they don't feel like being married anymore. Maybe you can help me to understand.......

Answer 9

You will only make the break when you decide your happiness is the most important thing to you. Sorry your so far from family. The kids will learn to cope with divorced parents. They are not the determining factor for staying with someone. If you have tried to make things work then move on mentally and your butt will eventually follow :-).

Answer 10

First of all. analyze your situation. Is it worth leaving your husband? What is the reason that you want to leave? Is it love, loneliness, aggravation, etc. Then you have to think, is being alone going to make you happier. Probably not, it's going to make you miserable. Your husband is there for you. Talk to him about your troubles. Your kids do not deserve to lose their father. They need his protection and love around. Think about it. Then again, if you feel it's real bad to deal with the relationship; then, go.