relationship intimacy issues after baby?

Question

Only real answers please! My husband NEVER initiates anything sexual with me lately. Our son is two and a half. We are both 30. If I initiate things, and I am BLATANTLY obvious he usually is responsive and things are good. If I just hint around you can forget it, he won't notice. I recently purchased lots of cute and sexy clothing to wear to sleep because I thought maybe his old tshirts were just getting routine. If I try to dress in a seductive nighty he says, "that looks nice on you honey!" and then he goes on with his evening. I am only 7 pounds more then when we got married, although my post baby body is shaped different. I flirt with him during the day, and even tell him about sexy dreams that I have... he seems to enjoy hearing them and gets aroused, but then he rolls over and goes to sleep. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! What I am I doing wrong. I feel sexy and pretty usually but lately I want to cry because I feel he finds me unattractive. If I ask him he denies it.

OH, and by the way I am pretty sure he is not cheating on me. He just had a career change, and his new job is longer hours, so he is tired, but still, we're only 30! And he has time to do lots of other things when he gets home.

And he's not gay, for those of you wondering.

If I try to talk to him about it he says its not true.

Example... the baby's down for a nap. I'm lying next to hubby in bed, he's RE-READING Harry Potter. I say I'm tired of reading, and he says he can't think of anything elso to do. Nothing. Now I'm so insulted I need to to take a drive so that he can't see me crying... what else to think other then I am just not in the least bit tempting to him? I thought men were supposed to think of this stuff a few times a minute? Maybe that answer below is correct and I need to step up the pace at the gym :-) I don't want to always initiate... it starts to feel like the other person is doing you a favor... I want to be irresistable to my hubby (and no one else so no more pervs emailing me please). I'm heartbroken.

Answer 1

Since your husband is responsive when you make serious advances I wouldn't think it has anything to do with you or your post-pregnancy body. Every ones sex drives go through ups and downs. When you consider the fact that he's dealing with a new job with more hours, a toddler and the fact that he's not twenty anymore he's bound to be on a down now. At the age of thirty women's sex drives are on a steady climb and men's are on decline. His peak was ten years ago and you're probably just getting started on yours. Be patient and keep being obvious.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

It's not your body, but there's more than a good chance that it's his mind.
All men I think have a little bit of this change after their lover becomes a mother for the first time. Mothers are caregivers, not lovers in their minds. For example, they don't want to ever imagine that their own mother was ever a lover, and that cycle of thinking is happening again, because now you are a mother.
But you didn't tell us how long ago this behavior started. If it has been this way since your child was born, see above. If that's the case, you are doing right to continue with the sexy things you say and the lingerie, etc. His mind has to come around to seeing you as a lover again.
If the behavior is more recent and you are sure that he isn't cheating, then check the computer for porn. Some men get into that cycle of having imaginary sex and the real sex life decreases.
Lastly, it may be this new job is stressing him out. He may be thinking about doing well at that job so often that he isn't thinking much about your physical relationship.
I would suggest you go right for groping the jewels after you say a couple sexy things, or during. Rarely will a man turn you down once he has started to become stimulated.

Answer 4

Pretty normal stuff you are going through actually. Try to keep your chin up and soon things will improve. There are many couples that go through the same thing. you just have to keep in mind all of the good times you two have had and will have. Try not to think so much on the negative. If it takes you initiating your sex life, then initiate away. There is nothing wrong with that. Ask God to help. (smile)

Answer 5

Wow..........wife and I have 14 month old twins and we're just barely starting to get back into our sexual routine. We ALWAYS had a VERY colorful sexual history, which is why it really started to bum me out that we barely did ANY of the stuff we used to (not even close to the crazy stuff we tried). But we're slowly getting back into what we used to like, now that the girls are getting easier to manage! As far as your husband goes........I would have LOVED IT if my wife dressed sexier to bed, flirted with me more, and made sexual advances. But it sounds like your husband is stuck in the routine of NOT having sex with you. Believe it or not, you get out of practice! You kind of forget what to do! What I would do if I were you is think like a guy! Offer to watch some porn, or just offer him a quick BJ or handjob or something. Something that requires absolutely zero effort. After a couple of times of that, maybe offer to let him watch you masturbate or something. Tell him to do the same thing once you're really into it. After you guys "do it" a few times over a week or two, it will come more naturally. The more you do it the easier it will be! Even pro football players need to practice! Imagine how bad they'd stink if they didn't play for 2 years!

Answer 6

I do not know many men who would tell thier wives that they are unattractive, even for the sake of honesty. Most of them know that its not good for survival. I do not think that he finds you unattractive, you are now a mom too. Some men do think that life changes for most woman because of being a mom. I'm sure you hear some of the horror stories about it too. Wife becomes mom and now does not want to have time for the husband. He notices what you are wearing, he tells you, and it sounds like he enjoys hearing sexy stories. He is not turned off by you. I think that if you talked to him and told him what you are thinking, you'll probably get to the bottom of it. I would say that is it just life changes. My hubby did the same thing for a while, it ended up just being stress at work. So I told him to let me help him forget about his stress.

Answer 7

After birth things can become a bit traumatic. First your husband is not getting all of the attention anymore, there is now someone else to think about. With the baby you may sometimes be a little tired when your husband might want to do something.Give it a little time and dont give up, things will eventually work out.

Answer 8

Babies change the nature of sex. I just had a baby last year and my hubby and I went from 2-3 times/week to once every two weeks!! LOL When I asked him if I was less attractive to him, he said no, but that it was just more complicated with a third person in the house, trying to find time, energy, etc. to think about sex.

I guess my advice would be to stop concentrating on the quantity of sexual encounters and instead concentrate on the quality.

Answer 9

I think you've answered your own question. You have to initiate things for the time being. It may change over time. It's also possible that your pregnancy was hard on him or the financial burden of a second child would be too much. A lot of things change after a baby arrives.

Answer 10

Well I guess it is way past breast feeding months already but that could be a turn off for men because it was their 'place'. Your husband is probably vexed with work and stuff? Try talking and asking about work, issues, anything bothering but don't get obvious like "Honey, what IS bothering you?" Nope, just talk, beat around the bush to give him the idea you're all there for him.