Can someone help me with this?? I have 1201 words...and i want to reduce it to 1000 at least!!?

Question

Can someone plz help me to maybe cut out some unnecesarry things...and summarize a few sentences...because i cant think of any at the moment...thanks!

Rachel’s Rise in Position

As morning dawned upon the dry, cracked ground, the sky unfolded to reveal the sun’s radiant beams, emitting their brilliant flames across the vast horizon. The golden sky awoke, spreading a faint smile across her face. Prickly branches shot forth their naked spokes into the misty air, as if they raised up their cries for rain. There I stood beside the window of my bedroom, as I gazed at the small bush my dad had planted for me. He’d always told me to take care of it, but he would never tell me again. A woman who had too much drink had crashed into my dad’s car, killing him instantly. A tear of sorrow trickled down my cheek, but I brushed it away.

“Mom,” my younger sister’s petulant voice echoed from the other room, “where are you, Mom?”

“I’m here,” I heard her answer.

My sister Odessa complained, “We don’t have any food in the fridge, and I’m starving. What are we going to do?”

“We’ll stop for breakfast once we’re on the road to Brisbane,” Mom said, “but I want to finish tidying up a little in here first.”

From the open door of my room, I watched as Odessa flung herself onto the couch. She knew Mom would never approve of such a childish show of unruly indulgence from her, now that she was 18 years old. My Mom was made of ‘sterner stuff’ and tried to teach us to be like her, as she did her daily chores and whistled a melodious tune to bring the spirit of comfort into the room. Although the lines in her worn face seemed to have deepened since the accident, I truly admired Mom for being able to hold it all together after Father’s passing.

“You and Rachel need to finish any packing. Once I’ve changed clothes, we’ll be on our way to Melbourne!” Mom decisively announced as she quickly got dressed.

A thrill of excitement coursed through my body like electricity that sparked me up and replenished all my lost energies, yet when I turned to look at my sister, she seemed to be cold and unemotional. I pat her softly on the back and helped her pack things up. Everyone seemed to be ready except Odessa, who reluctantly dragged herself into the car, as Mom revved up the engine and darted off.

I wasn’t sure what I expected Brisbane to be like, but it seemed to be filled with screeching cars, noisy sirens, and swarms of people everywhere – definitely different from Townsville! After a light supper, we finally found a motel to spend the night before we made the final leg of our journey to Melbourne. It was late, and we were all tired, worn-out, and cranky.

While we waited for Mom to come out of the bathroom, I looked at Odessa and could see the trouble lurking within her brown orbs.

As usual, she was hiding her feelings and keeping everything locked away inside, far away from Mom's probing eyes, but suddenly, she screamed, “I’m not going to Melbourne with you to starve myself to death!”

Mom just stared at her in shocked silence, as if she couldn’t believe Odessa’s defiance.

Odessa continued to speak, her voice full of conviction, “I’m going back to my place in Townsville! I’ll just suck up what’s leftover in the fridge, and I’ve called a taxi to pick me up!”

She slammed the door and left.

The next morning, Mom was quiet, and I didn’t feel much like talking myself. I was worried about what we would do for money, as the small savings we had dwindled to almost nothing. I would have to get a job as soon as possible! As the car droned on, I noticed that Melbourne was even busier than Brisbane – full of people, jittering cars, and burning tires, as we swarmed along the highway and fought our way through the tangling maze to find a small apartment.

I turned my attention to the newspaper I had bought at our last stop for gas. I wanted a good job to support my Mom, for she was getting very old, and as I flipped through the ads, I spotted one – a bank secretary. I would try that one first once we were settled into a room.

After a refreshing shower, I commandeered the room’s phone and called about the secretarial position. “Hello, Melbourne Commonwealth Bank, this is Brian Taylor speaking. May I help you?”

“Yes, this is Rachel Thompson, and I’m looking for a job to support my mom. I saw the ad in the paper about a vacant position for a bank secretary.” I replied with a confident tone.

“Would you be able to come and be interviewed immediately?” he asked, “I’m afraid my previous secretary left unexpectedly, and I need to fill the position today.”

Of course I agreed and left for my first interview.

Mr. Taylor hired me that very day, and I continued to work for him until he promoted me to an even higher position of an auditor. As his business continued to escalate, more people came wanting investments and loans for their new house or car. One month later, he could see that the business was progressing rapidly, so he made me the vice manager of his company with a higher pay rise! Mother had met Mr. Taylor, and she liked him as much as he seemed to like her. In fact, it was my mother who encouraged me to accept an invitation to dinner that was my first date with Brian.

On our first date, he asked me in a half-timid voice, “Rachel, you’re such a fine person, and I wish to give you an even higher position in my bank. I will make you manager, and I’ll be the bank secretary. Would you be willing to take the job?”

I was half-stunned at his offer, but I smiled while remaining calm and confident, “Of course, I’ll take the job whole-heartedly, and I’ll do my best to manage this bank to success.”

“That’s great, Rachel! Tomorrow, you’ll be the manager, and I’ll be the secretary. I count on you,” said Brian happily.

The next day came, I was managing the bank well while Brian worked well as the secretary. As each day past, we seemed to be more inclined to look at each other, and soon I noticed Brian’s sweetness to me, as he felt my care for him, when suddenly, I felt a tingling of love urging deep within me like a voice that called to my innermost thoughts.

After work one afternoon, I decided to follow him to his house. His warm voice welcomed me as I entered, and looking directly into his eyes – oh how he melted my heart like butter that melts when it is warmed! – I whispered softly, “Brian, I love you.”

I slipped my arms around his neck and fluttered my eyes shut as I brought my face close to his. I was kissing Brian passionately that he was so surprised on what I did, but I didn’t mind. I caressed his cheek, “Brian, tomorrow we’ll be married.” Brian affirmed, then we spent the whole night together.

Answer 1

As morning dawned upon the dry, cracked ground, the sky unfolded to reveal the sun’s radiant beams, emitting their brilliance across the horizon. Prickly branches shot spores into the air, raising up their cries for rain. I stood beside my bedroom's window, as I gazed at the small bush my dad planted. He always told me to care for it, but he would never again, because a drunk woman crashed into my dad’s car, killing him instantly. Tears trickled along my cheek, but I brushed them away.

“Mom, where are you?” my sister’s voice echoed from the other room,

“I’m here,” answered mom.

My sister, Odessa complained, “We don’t have much food anymore and I’m starving. What're we gonna do?”

“We’ll stop for breakfast on the road to Brisbane,” Mom said, “but I want to finish tidying up this place first.”

From the open door of my room, I watched Odessa flung herself onto the couch. She knew Mom would never approve her childish show of unruly indulgence, for she was 18 years old. Mom is firm, and taught us to be like her. Her whistling of melodious tune brought comfort into the room. The lines in her worn face seemed to have deepened still, I admired her for being able to hold it all, since father’s passing.

“You and Rachel must finish packing. Once I’ve changed clothes, we’ll be on our way to Melbourne!” Mom decisively announced.

A thrill of excitement coursed through my body like electricity that replenished and sparked me up, yet when I turned to look at my sister, she seemed to be unemotional. I pat her softly and helped her pack things up. Everyone seemed to be ready except Odessa, who reluctantly dragged herself into the car, as Mom then revved up the engine and darted off.

Before, I wasn't sure what Brisbane looks like, but there are heaps of people and screeching cars – definitely different from Townsville! After a light supper, we finally found a motel to spend the night before we continue our journey to Melbourne. It was late, and we're totally tired.

While we waited for Mom to come out of the bathroom, I looked at Odessa and sensed the trouble lurking within her.

She seems to be hiding her feelings and everything inside, far away from Mom's eyes, but she suddenly screamed, “I’m not going to Melbourne with you to starve myself to death!”

Mom just stared at her, speechless, as if she couldn’t believe Odessa’s defiance.

Odessa, with her convicted voice, screamed, “I’m going back to Townsville! I’ll suck up leftovers there.”

She slammed the door and left.

The next morning, Mom was quiet,and I'm worried about money, because our small savings had dwindled to almost nothing. I must get a job as soon as possible! As the car droned on, I noticed that Melbourne was busier than Brisbane – it is overpopulated, as we swarmed along the highway and fought our way through the tangling maze to a small apartment. I looked at the newspaper I had bought at our last stop for gas. I wanted a good job to support my Mom, for she was getting old. I flipped through the ads, and spotted one – a financial secretary. I would try that one first once we're settled into the room.

Answer 2

Wow. You are oozing in too many adjectives. I think youre going to drown your readers in too much emotion and feeling that they'll get lost into what youre trying to say.

Its sort of hard to edit an essay that has a "voice" to it. Youre wordy and highly imaginative with words. But sometimes too much is not good.

For example, the first paragraph is filled with images of the sun crawling down and spreading across the land. Thats great. Cut back on the adjectives, since most of the things you said are almost the same words: such as radiant and brilliant flames.

As the morning dawned upon the flaky ground, the sky unfolded to reveal sun's radiance.

You want to make it snappy and terse. Try reading it. Do you find yourself stuck with a mouthful of words?

Id edit this personally for you but it would lose the personality behind the story, just try to use smaller words. Like, " A tear of sorrow, could just be a tear. Dont over do it.

Even.. "My younger sister's petulant voice echoed from the other room." you could have taken off petulant and said instead. "Mom" snapped my younger sister from the other room "Mom where are you?"

Answer 3

The best way to prune this would be to cut out a few adjectives. There are far too many!
The first sentence, for example, could be cut to:
Morning dawned, revealing dry, cracked ground. Prickly branches shot their naked spokes (spikes?) into the air as though raising a cry for rain.

You can't have 'misty air' if everything is parched and dry, and if you are talking about sere conditions, as you seem to be, they don't come with the awakening of a faint smile across the golden face of the sky. The conditions that produce this type of drought are hot, searing sun, not faint golden smiles.
You'll find it is much punchier, and much more effective, when you appeal to the senses, rather than just throwing in adjectives.

It's well worth revision - you've got a good story going here, but it just needs a little pruning.

Answer 4

Most importantly I understand your trying to set the mood but your way too descriptive.

Additionally, call me stupid, but I don't understand "trouble lurking in her brown orbs"

Sentences such as
My sister Odessa complained, “We don’t have any food in the fridge, and I’m starving. What are we going to do?”

can be trimmed down to
My sister Odessa complained, “We don’t have any food in the fridge, and I’m starving.

The question, "What are we going to do" is unneeded, the reader can make assumptions that they don't know what's going to happen next

Answer 5

I would continue to work until my debt was completely paid off, which at $1000 a week it wouldn't take very long! I work at a school district, so I would probably continue to work until the end of this school year. $4000 a month is really only a bit more than my husband and I make now, so I think I would probably take off to finish school, and then continue to work, and perhaps he would take off to finish school as well. We would probably both continue to work, but with $4000 extra a month we would not be wanting for much!!