Cheating in a marriage . . . .?

Question

Do you think that if more couples went to counseling over infidelity and made more efforts to make the marriage work that the divorce rate would be lower? I know I'm making a lot of assumptions here, but I have a reason for asking.

I see a lot of questions on here about suspicions a wife or husband has about their spouse, and the majority of responses say, "Divorce him/her!"

Why are we so quick to divorce when a marriage CAN be saved from infidelity?

"what is it 7 out of 10 end up divorced? so that tells you counseling don't work!"

Counseling only works if both parties are interested in making it work.

I'm not saying people don't have a "right" to divorce should infidelity happen. I'm saying that people sell themselves and their spouses short when they say they couldn't work through it.

You'd be amazed at what the human mind is capable of doing . . . .

"Once a cheater always a cheater" is a false argument. I say this because I have at least two instances where the "cheater" has never cheated again.

In other words, "always" means every person who has cheated will be guaranteed to cheat again, and there is plenty of evidence to suggest the contrary. Thus, false argument.

Answer 1

My husband cheated. We had been married for 10 years. We have now been married for 37. It was a one time thing and yes it hurt terribly! But we sat down and talked it though and decided that what we had was worth saving. And it was. We didn't have to go to counseling because we had a good communication system about it. When the hurt and frustration about the affair hit me, he let me vent about it. He sat quietly and let me express myself until it was over. Then he would hold me and apologize again. After a while, it was okay again. Counseling only works if both parties REALLY want it to work. It takes two people to make a marriage work. I have forgiven my husband and he is my soulmate. We will be together forever.

Answer 2

I hate that stupid saying once a cheater always a cheater. If two people really want the marriage to work then I believe counselling does help. I really dont know of many couples who get divorced lightly. Im sure there are a few who do, but I really think the majority of couples want the marriage to work. Unfortunately though, after infidelity, the wife husband just takes them back with no consequences. Its all very well to say you forgive the person, but to forget is a totally different matter and its usually the thoughts and the feelings that keep on cropping up that destroys the marriage in the end. I believe, if couples would admit to all the devestating feelings they are experiencing and seek out professional help to sort through all those feelings of abandonment, distrust, not feeling good enough, then it would save a lot of marriages. Too many people go back together thinking it will right itself, when in actual fact infidelity does a lot of damage to a person's self esteem and it has been my experience that couples who get back together without counselling have a pretty poor chance of the marriage surviving.. I am a big supporter of marriage counselling and maybe more marriages could be saved if the couples did seek out counselling.

Answer 3

Would the divorce rate be lower if people stayed together after infidelity? Maybe. I think it would be even lower if people didn't cheat! Why are people so quick to divorce? It is probably the best option.

My guess is that there are more people who are are glad they divorced a spouse that betrayed them than people who are happy they stayed married. I asked a question about people who stayed with a spouse who had cheated and received few replies.

My husband cheated years ago and I did stay with him because we have children, very young at the time. We went to counseling and things were better for quite a while. Now things are not good and I'm considering divorce. As far as I know he hasn't cheated again, but that doubt is always there now. Some times I'm glad we tried to work things out, others I wish I had divorced him when I found out about the affair.

Answer 4

No. We are quick to divorce because there was a violation of trust and a breaking of the wedding vows. If we can succesfully go to and complete effective counseling & the marriage is salvaged, what happens if that trust is broken again in the future?

It is easier to recover from a divorce dissolved after infidelity because the partner chose to end the relationship by starting another. The marriage that is "saved" may have other troubles and will take lots of effort to really make it work, or whole again. I know in my case, the matter of trust would always linger in the back of my mind (I know, forgive and forget) but I wouldn't be able to forget it.

Answer 5

My husband and I agreed before we got married that cheating would be a deal breaker for us both. There is no mincing words there. If he cheats, or if I cheat, we are in essence saying that it's over. We've been married for almost 16 years and trust each other completely. I don't think I'd divorce over suspicions but I would over definitive proof. I think if more couples would face problems head on before it got to infidelity, more marriages would be saved. Pre-marital counseling did wonders for us. We explored questions that we hadn't even thought of and knew exactly where we stood before marriage. I think this is the best approach to marriage. Many of the questions I see here are things that could and should have been worked out before anyone said "I do".

Answer 6

I think that counseling or mediation is a great thing. But in some situations things that have been said and done are so great that even if both want the marriage to work, all of that stuff is still in the back of their head and impacting them.

There is only so much damage a person can take.

so if something happens once, get help immediately. because its going to most likely happen again and again and if you don't get on the ball at the first sign of trouble, chances are that later on it'll be a heck of a lot harder to fix. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone

Answer 7

Yes the divorce rate would be lower.

Some people can forgive a lot of things like a drinking problem, a gambling problem but infidelity cuts to the heart. Some just believe 2 become one and don't share.

Answer 8

In order for counseling to work both people would have to go and want to get help if not it will not work and neither will the marriage but I believe it is a good thing to get counseling even if your partner doesn't want to because it will help you to come to terms with the infidelity and move on

Answer 9

Not to sound mean but, most of the people on here are heart-less. One woman told a girl if she got an abortion she would die. People are ignorant. Cheating is hard when in a relationship and I agree if more people went to counseling it would go down. Most people these days see marriage as a tax write off. Marriage is not what it used to be. Call me old fashioned.

Answer 10

Because to many people think only about the negative and aren't really trying to help.
Of course everyone should try counseling first especially if there are children involved.
Trying to save ones Marriage is one of the biggest things one can do.
And we should all stop judging what others do, if a couples love is strong enough to even try to handle an affair instead of bashing them we should try supporting them.
Also if you couldn't handle the very hurtful problem someone else maybe strong enough.