Is this wrong or is he unreasonable? What is your perspective?

Question

I have been married slightly over two months. My husband is a musician and is working toward producing. We are living in my home, a home I purchased 8 years ago. My husband has been using part of the house as a recording studio. A co-worker of mine has been wanting to record her poetry. She and her husband came over yesterday to work on her material. So I did the hostess thing and prepared some light snacks in case they got hungry. I stayed out of the way. About 2:00 I went and picked up some chicken in case they were hungry. Tonight he had a comment about what I did- preparing snacks for the "work session" I didn't see it as anything else other than being hospitable...he sees something else. What I don't know but his comment was to the effect that if I am going to feed people every time he invites people over for a session, then he will need his own space to work. It was a pointless arguement to me. I see it as picking at me for being thoughtful and trying to be a good hostess.

Regardless as to why anyone is here, this is still a home and you don't invite people over and not offer them something to eat or drink. People should be made to feel welcome. He didn't have a problem with me feeding him while we were dating each time he came over. Why is it a problem now? I am beginning to think my husband had control issues. What do you think

Lately it just seems that everything I do is an issue to him. I shouldnt have to leave my own house when he decides to do a recording session. What would you do in this situation?

Lately it just seems that everything I do is an issue to him. I shouldnt have to leave my own house when he decides to do a recording session. What would you do in this situation?

The client happens to be someone I work with and I am friends with. It wasn't just a random person

Answer 1

WRONG guy!!! You sound like any guy's dream girl!!!! He must be a moron.. You seem thoughtful, nice, considerate and very, very special.

If you really want to stay married, get some counseling. He needs to grow up and appreciate the wonderful wife he has!

Otherwise, dump him and find someone who will treat you the best like you deserve! Better sooner than later!

Answer 2

Sounds like a major problem brewing. I think you need to define what the house rules are with him, come to a consensus if your willing to discuss things with him at this point. I am not a fan of "This is my house" kind of stuff because you obviously gave him permission and your only real claim to the house would be in the course of divorce. It is supposed to be your collective home. The fact that the guest was someone you know, you had every right to treat them as a guest. Should you feed everyone who comes to record, not unless you make it an option for using the studio and include the price of food and time. But most of all, make sure he understands you have an equal interset in the studio and thus all rules should be made jointly.

Answer 3

I think it was very hospitable of you to feed your co worker. I can see how your husband would not want you to feed the gas man for example, but in this case I really do think you did the right thing! When I had my burglar alarm installed, I had two guys here all day for two days, and I made sure they had something to eat at lunch time, it just seemed the right thing to do. I think your husband is wrong, and is being a bit controlling. What is his problem with giving someone who is there for such a long time something to eat, especially as it was someone you work with. If he feels that strongly about it, then maybe he should find his own space to work in!

Answer 4

I believe you've answered your own question: Your husband has control issues. You were, in fact, being a good hostess, especially since this was a co-worker. I could almost understand if it was a stranger and it was strictly business. Maybe just offer them something to drink, in that case. But, you knew this person, so why not make it more of a social situation? If I were you, I'd tell him to get over himself and not be such a stick in the mud.

Sir Richard makes a valid point, as well: He does sound like a free-loader. Better cover your assets.

Answer 5

The first months of marriage require a lot of adjustment. You are learning about the differences in how you think and this can be a challenge.

You are not wrong - it is just that neither of your communication worked very well. It's not a matter of right or wrong - it's figuring out what works to resolve these feelings.

His comment came across as a criticism and he may not have meant it to be. I can certainly see why you took offense at it, as you were trying to do something nice.

If you can take a deep breathe and try to see what he is saying, there are ways to diffuse an arguement. In the end, don't get caught up in if it's fair - the object is to try to understand where one another are coming from and resolve issues.

If you had said to him, "I see your point" and explained you were only doing this as they were friends and you see that you can't and probably should not serve food for all his sessions and clients and you did not mean to interfer in his work. You were just trying to extend your hospitality and thought you were being polite and thoughtful - you didn't intend to invade his turf.

This is very different than when you were dating - as that was completely personal.

He may feel he needs to declare his work turf, since it is in the home.

I completely understand your being offended and hurt by this, but, you have the power of resolution in similiar situations and creating a positive pattern of communication. Just try it.

Sharing with a loved one that they kind of hurt your feelings as they didn't understand you were just trying to do something nice and it is upsetting to you when they are not pleased with you. It will set the tone of resolution rather than escalation. You might even ask him if he can see how he hurt your feelings when you were trying to be helpful. I hope he will see this and apologize.

What is being hospitable to you (me, too) is something different to him - it does not mean either of you are wrong. You will discover other things that you have different outlooks on.

Trying this approach is well worth it - his reaction will determine if you have the communication tools to grow in your relationship. If his reaction is not positive, a communication coach or counselor is well worth the investment - to save a good relationhip and nourish rather than hurt feelings.

You sound like a very caring and thoughtful person, try to give him the benefit of not intentionally being offensive and good luck!

Answer 6

WAIT? Why do you have to leave when he is recording? It is your home together, but realistically its your home, so there is a room for recording so why would the rest of the house be off limits to you? i mean i know when you love something or have a passion for music or art etc you can become a lil obsessive but thats ridiculous. Your hubby prob doesnt know hes being a lil silly, overreacting and selfish. Yes its a home and they were your friends, guests, who wanted to use a certain part of your home, not cutomers......tell him he has his way of being or doing and you have yours ie HOSPITALITY. Do not apologize for the way you treat guest, you have manners my dear. Address this issue, not an argumentive manner or nagging manner, just say you seem do not share the same ideas in how to treat people. It isnt a huge issue but it could turn out to be and you want to talk about it, come to some kind of compromise but i cant really see one, since its him being rude and inconsiderate but say when people come over and they are friends not clients you will only offer them something to drink and not to eat? you'll come up with something but nip this in the bud, hes seeing how far he can push things with you, if you allow sweetie you will be his old doormat wife.......not the beautiful egyptian soft rug you like to walk on barefoot.......... smile

Answer 7

OK, CALM DOWN FIRST OF ALL. Lets look at this fairly and reasonablely. Did your husband infer that the 'cost' of feeding people who came over would be too costly, because too many people will be coming over? If he did not, YOU NEED HIM TO TELL YOU WHY FIXING THE FOOD WAS NOT APPRECIATED. He had a reason and you did not give it to us or you did not get it at all.

My cousin does music mixing and has people coming and going all times of day or night. IT WOULD BE TOO COSTLY TO FIX FOOD IN A BUSINESS SETTING ALL THE TIME. Perhaps, that is what your husband is saying, YOU ARE TREATING THESE PEOPLE AS A SOCIAL VISIT, AND HE WANTS TO KEEP IT AS A 'BUSINESS' VISIT.

If that be the case, and it is his business, you need to honor that. My Dad is a tight wart, who would invite a house full of people to a drink, but break you arm if you reach into the refrig to feed them. My mom would just cringe, not being able to offer them anything. YOU ARE A GOOD HOSTESS; BUT, ONE YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT WANT INTERFERRING IN HIS WAY OF DOING THINGS IN HIS BUSINESS.

Don't be offended, he possibly did not express himself with any type of 'thank you' in his voice and just wanted to run the idea into you for good. A lot of men do that...SHE WILL REMEMBER THIS, IF I ARGUE. IF I SAY IT NICE, SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN.

You did make these decisions without discussing it with him and perhaps you should have. Just stay in your home and observe his business; because it is yours also, now. You can feel fine about not feeding people, because your home becomes a place of business for the moment, they do not have hostess'. Some things are better to agree, not to agree on and move on! Remember the love and Good Luck

Answer 8

I wouldn't fix something every time someone came over. Since it was your co-worker, you did the right thing. If the person who comes over to record something in your house is someone you know, like a friend or co-worker, then preparing a light snack is courteous, since they are your friend. But if it's just some Joe Schmo off the street, don't fix anything.

Your hubby shouldn't have been so, well rude about it, because you were being nice.

Answer 9

He should be glad that he has a wife who's hospitable and not dump on you because you made some light snacks. Don't forget, it's your house. He's lucky that he has a wife who doesn't mind having "a recording studio" in her house. Just from this one post of yours, I think your husband probably does have some control issues. I hope he's not a control freak or you're in for a bumpy ride.

Answer 10

I would ask him why he said that and tell him why you did what you did. I don't see a problem with offering people snacks when they come over. I would also tell him how you feel about his comment. Open communication is the key. Make sure to ask him to talk at a time that is good for both of you and make sure that you get all of your feelings out. Make sure to hear him out as well.

Answer 11

Ok you are going into the readjustment phase. First of all he is not entertaining, he is working. Men focus in on their work like a laser beam. Leave him to his work. Now as for leaving the house, this is where he comprises. Sit down and come up with ground rules for these situations. Expect more of them as you learn to live with each other. Also don't make the deadly mistake of trying to look at everything thru your eyes. When trying to understand why somebody acts as they do you need to look at things thru their eyes.