We've been together for 8 years. We have serious disagreements over childrearing. He yells and swears & stomps & sometimes punches walls when he get's mad. He gets mad daily!I'm worried about the effect his temper is having on the children. He's not physically abusive, but mentally? emotionally? I've tried talking about it but he always blames in on the children & what they did or didn't do right.And he says the swearing is a habit & won't stop overnight but he's trying...for the last 6 years?It was never really bad until after I was pregnant with our son & now I notice my children & myself yelling more & more.I'm considering divorce! But will it hurt my children more to leave him?We argue about our differences, he blames everyone else & then the next day, it's like nothing ever happened! Counseling just results in him feeling attacked and betrayed by our dirty laundry being aired.Any advice?
2007-06-15 13:35:28 · 23 answers · asked by madame_emperess 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm an early childhood teacher, and I can tell you that as far as studies go about children and coping through a divorce or messy parent relationship, they are very resilient and the only thing worse for them than going through a divorce, is staying in a household where there should be a divorce and having to live through the trauma every day. You obviously care a great deal about your children, and feel that this isn't the man you married. You have tried couselling, which tells me that you've been working on trying to fix this for some time, and that you have tried to be open to different strategies.
It sounds like perhaps he has something else going on in his life that he's finding difficult, and as a result, other things (ie family, children, etc) are the outlet for his stress and frustration. Ask him and try to show him you are wanting the best for him, so that the family in return can have the best too. And let him know how much this is affecting you, and the kids, and what you are considering. Maybe you and the kids could go on vacation for a bit during their next holiday (if they're at school) even if it's just to your parents house, not to air your problems to them, but to give your husband time to think and breathe after hearing your thoughts, and to give you and the kids a break, and time to miss the things you do still love about him.
Then make some decisions together. Good luck!
2007-06-15 13:46:46 · answer #1 · answered by Penny G 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
My dad had quite a temper, he takes some anti-depressants and sme other stuff that helps him keep his temper under control. My dad, similar to me, has a hard time expressing himself and frustration just turns into anger. Ask him to see a psychologist. Unfortunatly it doesn't seem like he'd agree to that. Divorce is very hard on kids, especially the back and forth between houses. One thing to consider is that your kids would most likely spend time alone with him during visitation and won't have you to protect them from the verbal abuse. However, if your willing to try to get full custody, then you can avoid that. But, you kids will be completely cut off from their father, although he's verbally abusive, they'll miss seeing him. The yelling is not good for your kids. Maybe a trial separtion will help you decide what is best.
2007-06-15 13:45:57 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you personally cannot deal with it, even though it's a selfish act since you two created life together, leave him. Make sure that he's willing to be an active part in the childrens life if you do divorce. Real research shows that children that grow up in abusive homes (so long as it's not sexual abuse) turn out more emotionally balanced than children from broken homes.
2007-06-15 13:42:21 · answer #3 · answered by crknapp79 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you tried counseling and he feels attacked he is not ready for it. All those a symptoms of a much larger problem. Your safety and the childrens come first. I feel that it's a matter of time before he does become physically abusive, he is absolutely being emotionally and mental abusive at this point. perhaps some time apart would do you guys some good. if you need someone to talk to please im me. I hope it helps
2007-06-15 13:50:08 · answer #4 · answered by ttepinzon 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your children are learning by example. Your boys will learn that it is acceptable to treat a woman that way, and your girls will learn it is acceptable to let a man treat them like this. That is why it`s called a circle of violence. If you fight every day in front of the children tell me why it would be bad for the kids to put an end to this marriage. You could have a momentarily separation and take time to reflect on the situation.
2007-06-15 13:49:05 · answer #5 · answered by Jane Marple 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, been there done that...but I was the child in the situation. My parents were bad. Both mentally and emotionally abusive with one another. To this day, I offer to pay for their divorce. It really does affect the kids more to be in that environment. Please do something. Has he tried anger management? Your kids are seeing all of this and learning this behavior. If he's not willing to get counseling for this, then you really do need to leave with your kids. It's not good for them at all.
2007-06-15 13:44:11 · answer #6 · answered by ron-D 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Using verbal violence and stomping and the day after do as nothing happened is not normal. He should treat you as his wife, and explain to you why he is acting like that. Not talking about problems wont arrange them of course. If he wont listen to what pains you, you should think to what is important to you in a couple and meke a decision.
Remaining in a fake couple has never helped the children either.
2007-06-15 13:42:14 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he really loves you, he should go to counseling alone for a good long while before trying to go there with you. He needs to look at himself, and see himself through his own eyes. Blaming everyone else is NOT the answer and shows signs of real weak character. Leaving him if he refuses to do anything to change these things would NOT be bad for the children at all. It would show them that actions have consequences......................
2007-06-15 13:39:20 · answer #8 · answered by mrsmommaid 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He sounds like a bully. Hey honey stop making excuses for his behavior. His behavior is having an effect on your children. He putting his pride before his family. I think you need family counseling. Ask youself has his family a history of this? This kind of behaviour your husband is expressing is bullying. Using swear language etc.
2007-06-15 13:48:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like he may be suffering from depression, has he seen a doctor? make a swear box so everytime he swears he has to put 50p into it, by the end of the year you'll have a nice lump sum to go away on a much deserved holliday, also how much time do you and your husband get together for just you time?? it might be jealousy because he may feel the kids get more attention than he does??
2007-06-15 13:45:07 · answer #10 · answered by mazza 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋