2nd Follow up: Affection v. sex?

Question

Okay, lot of good responses. To fill in some details, my brother was very affectionate when they were first married, and continued this for a long time even after she decided that he wanted sex too much. She would use any excuse to put him off, and eventually would only have sex if she was drunk enough to pass out. My brother worked like a dog and did everything every marriage counselor suggested, but she insisted it wasn't important until the rest of the relationship was settled. My brother disagreed.

In my own relationship, I am usually very affectionate with my wife. But if she rejects me a few times in a row, a few of my "little nice things" start to slide. A few more times, and the laundry starts to pile up. More than a few weeks and it's stony silence. I am more than happy to reach out, but if my advances are rebuffed more than a few times, I take it personally. Luckily, she realizes this . . . and knows what she needs to do to fix it. Am I being unfair? Is she?

Answer 1

Yes, your brother's wife was wrong. As couples women exchange sex for affection and men exchange affection for sex. When one person quits giving the other person does too. In a good relationship these lapses are short lived. When there is a problem the lapse turns into an issue and issues cause divorces. I'm not always in the mood for sex and I'm pretty sure my husband gets tired of holding my hand while we're grocery shopping, but you have to give in order to receive in any relationship.

Answer 2

I think you preventing a build up of resentment that could occur when one side feels that they are being taken advantage of. I decided to maintain control of paycheck in exchange for not having sex. Now I feel more financially secure and don't care about the lack of sex. However, I would also say that I feel that I am also more open to having an affair. Interesting removing such a simple thing as sex can make a marriage off balance.

Answer 3

I don't understand why we all feel the desire to withhold sex in a marriage. It somehow becomes a "chore". I wonder if it's a symptom that people aren't in tune with the moment or something. It's like we'd rather watch reality tv than deal with our own reality. Geez. It's depressing.

One happily married couple of 50 years told our classroom independently that the secret to their happy marriage was never saying no to the other's sexual needs!

Answer 4

Unfair, shmair.

You both need to work at finding the time and the energy to be affectionate. But don't get caught up in the "counting" game. Your scores will never match up. ANd you are probably using different numeric systems anyway!

Answer 5

sex is an integral part of a relationship, and two people should be evenly matched. you shouldn't have to ignore things to get her to do it, and she shouldn't have to let you get to the point where you have to ignore things. i think both of you are being unfair. there are all kinds of reasons why people's sex drives change, and that shouldn't be held against us. when i got pregnant, my sex drive dropped to nothing, and i believe that is part of the reason why he cheated on me. it wasn't my fault. that was the way it was. and i got punished for it. good thing you aren't doing anything like that. but if he had done something to the point where i would have felt obligated to have sex with him, i would have done it, but not enjoyed it. so how do you know your wife enjoys it when she finally gives in?


i'm not saying at all that this is your fault. it's something you are both going to have to discuss. maybe she just doesn't know how you feel.

Answer 6

Sounds like a business relationship (barter system)!

You should be willing to show affection regardless because you love her.

When she can tell you are feeling neglected, she should love you enough to want to make you happy.

P.S. Maybe if you did the laundry sometimes, she would have more energy left for you? Just a thought!

Answer 7

marriage and relationships are mutual and when we get into them we become ungrateful for the things that we have. but i am a true believer in that you have to give to receive. so we must all keep our parts of deal.i will not get into it i can make a list that can go on for days. and it does not feel good to be rejected and i too would take it personally who wouldn't. so yes it is unfair for both of you to behave so Juvenile. talk we are grown ups and communication is key.

Answer 8

they are actually not. additionally what you are able to mine out of the Koran with regards to the rights of ladies human beings is additionally negated with the aid of alternative verses interior the Koran and the hadiths, (all religious texts are like that, ambiguous). you are able to %. and choose the way you decide on for to handle women human beings as you will and totally justify it with verses from the Koran. the substantial difficulty with what you're speaking approximately is that maximum Islamic states and cultures use the damaging interpretations and shrink women human beings to rightless chattels. And it can't in simple terms be a cultural subject with the aid of fact this physique of strategies to females human beings is seen all around the Islamic worldwide from Albania to Indonesia, so those attitudes could be rooted in something that links all of those cultures: and that's Islam. quite what it boils all the way down to is that that is a amazing thought on paper, yet in practice it stinks.

Answer 9

I don't think anyone is being unfair. You cant change how you feel But is something you both will have to work on before it grows into a bigger issue.

Answer 10

This is always a very frustrating situation. Us guys are sex hounds and need it all the time. You should turn it around on her and act like its no big deal. Women want sex just as much as we do. Act like you don't want it. She'll be in your shoes then. They hate that and love it at the same time....good luck bro.