I (21) broke up with my fiance (30) after 5 years, but, I love him and I'm feeling separation anxiety.?

Question

After 5 years of being together, he has only held a job for 1 year total, he hasn't worked for the last 8 months. Otherwise he is a wonderful man, I know he is my soulmate. But I feel like financially and goal -wise he is holding me back. I'm beginning to resent him. He is my everything but I feel like I'm enabling him to continue to not be motivated, and be depressed. We were supposed to get married in December 2007, but I don't feel that I can tie myself to someone who can't help me support a family financially and any future children that we have. I make a nice chunk of money and he has a degree and gobs of experience but either he doesn't try to get a job or he does try and he doesn't get one. For the last 8 months he has been out of work. For 3 yrs,7 mths and 1 wk he hasn't even tried to get one. But I've been getting really fed up with the situation and started complaining and for the last three weeks he's been making changes. Am I overreacting or what? HELP!!!

I don't want to portray him as a pedophile or a leech -- because he truly isn't. I graduated from high school at 16 he and I met in college (I was 17 he was 25 -- we dated for 2 months before he found out my age - and no he wasn't getting the bootie :P) he has a degree in Network Administration and held a very prominent job as a Network Administrator for the city's Chamber of Commerce for 7 years. When I met him he had a job at the City's Street Department ( total of 2 years) and was fired that week. Since then He moved to Dallas( held job there for 6mths) to look for better opportunities, moved back( worked total of 6 months in **** job once he came back)( bust in computer industry) we went through Hurricane Katrina moved to Texas --in the year and 10 months since he has worked 3 months ( temp job) which ended in October and hasn't worked since then. He doesn't miss our old city I would like to move back--he doesn't. So it's not the city. He claims he has made peace with it all.

and yet no progress. I know he is my soulmate it's just I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't feel I can marry him without some sort of stability. He thinks I just want to leave him, but the truth is I am hoping he gets his life together and then we could move on together like before. But the question is, is it too late? I broke up with him yesterday. And then I was fine and now...I miss him being around, and laughing and joking with him. But, when I get around him I just want to shake him and tell him to act right so we can be together. I mean I want to have this mans kids--but not if I can't provide a stable household for them with him.

Answer 1

You started dating when he was 25 and you were 17?

In my opinion, you're discovering what it is you really want out of life, and it isn't him.

No, you weren't overreacting. What you've seen over the past five years is an indication of how life would probably end up. If it's not the life you want, better to decide that before you get married rather than after.

You're a much different person at 21 than you were at 17. There's no shame or wrongness in discovering that what you wanted at 17 isn't what you want at 21.

Answer 2

I will share a very real and true story with you. My best friend met a guy and decided that she would marry him. Their original wedding date was in February 2003. She changed her mind. She reset the date to March 2003. Her husband did not have a job when she met him, talked all day on the phone to his mom (cell phone mind you), dined daily (alone), shopped bi-weekly (on HER payday) and by the time she got home from work on payday - SHE WAS ALREADY BROKE. He claimed that he had paid the bills, but that lie caught up to him when the utilities were disconnected and her credit cards were declined. He now has a PART-TIME job with an airline and still provides no financial support. She is now moving back to live with me for 3 months until she can afford to get her own place - you guessed it, they were evicted. As my grandma always told me "you can do bad all by yourself". No, you are not overreacting, you are being realistic. Once you marry him (in his unemployed but seemingly comfortable state) nothing is going to change. If you decide to marry him, wait until he has a stable job and has been consistently employed by the same employer for at least a year. Pushing back the wedding date won't matter if he truly wants to "man up" and be a responsible, contributing spouse.

Answer 3

Are you sure he's your soulmate? The way you write about him, you certainly aren't so sure.

You're only 21, and you already have a degree and a job. I think you have several years ahead of you before you should cnosider to get married. You're a mature woman, and I can only imagine you with a man that's stong, hardworking, and that understands you.

Don't forget that you were only 16 when you started to date him, and love at 16 is very different. It's all butterflies and lust. Now that you're oldeer, you udnerstand a lot of things differently.

Answer 4

Girl, you know your answer. I just want to know why you haven't kicked his butt out yet! Believe me, nobody is anyone's 'everything'. He's weighing you down and preventing you from reaching your goals. Why in the heck would you want to marry someone like this? You need someone who has the same goals and dreams as you, not someone who has a mother to pay everything for him. What kind of a father would he be? Call off the wedding, kick him out or move out, and get on with your life. You're too young to be in a situation like this. Take some time to be by yourself and accomplish some goals you have. You won't regret it and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Good luck.

Answer 5

You are not over reacting at all! He is 30 years old and hasn't worked in 3 years!? He better be thankful you stayed as long as you did. I would NOT get married until he has a job for atleast one year and has some benefits to help support you and a family. He needs to grow up!!

Answer 6

You are very normal I'm going though a divorce after 30 years, I know this feeling, it's been two years in the court system not divorced yet maybe next month, anyways it will take a good year or so to start to get over this, I'm sorry to tell you. Live in the now do not go backwards on this look forward you have to do this to get to where you need to go.

Answer 7

You bear in mind that interior the long-term niether of you would be satisfied. you're able to bear in mind it is not continuously going to passionate and all ingesting you're able to paintings at that for the duration of a dating. The glow continuously dims slightly. As a pair you're able to discover ordinary techniques to maintain the hearth going. It would not do it on that is very own. although, in case you sense you won't be able to paintings in the direction of fortunately ever after then it particularly is maximum suitable to interrupt it off for good and don't permit him sway you. you is in simple terms not doing him any favors interior the long haul with the aid of changing your strategies to make him satisfied short term. and you is in simple terms not satisfied -- do you quite need to stay something of your existence in an unhappy dating? that's what marriage is -- continuously. in case you even think of "yet we can continuously break up" then you certainly shouldn't get married. in no way pass right into a marriage thinking that with the aid of undeniable fact that in simple terms potential you're actually not particularly in love or waiting to commit.

Answer 8

I'm sorry to tell you this but why do you think a 30 year old man is dating a 21 year old...? Women his age are too smart & mature to put up with his BS...so he had to find someone a lot younger and immature to date him. Now you learned a lesson and you should move on.