What advice would women give to men particularly their sons if they're bitter or scorned due to a divorce?

Question

Some of us went into the marriage with the best intentions. However, it didn't work out and we may have gotten an unfavorable outcome from the court system.

I personally am a divorcee. My ex committed adultery multiple times and one of those times was with a close family member. I had to move with my mother thereafter to pay for the house we were living in and my child support for my biological daughter. Shortly after this, I got a vascectomy because I never wanted a child I fathered to be used against me in court. I myself am financially crippled due to it. Due to lack of finances, I have no love life.

I already know many on this forum will say stop whining and that it's the price of a bad choice. I just had to ask the question, though if you had a son: How you women would deal with situation? What if he asked to live with you in his economic hardship?

Answer 1

I'm sorry you had such a lousy thing happen to you. A close friend of my Dad's lost his daughter after a breakup - his exgirlfriend simply moved to Alaska, and refused to be found. It was a terrible experince for him, as he was a very devoted father. I think it took him a long time to trust women again and jump into the dating world.

If my son went through something like this, he would always be welcome at home again. All of our children would be. Adultery is a heartbreaking thing. Just because it's common doesn't make it any less painful.

Two households will always be more expensive than one. There is just no way to get around it. Everyone is poorer after a divorce, and it is worst of all for the children. I hope that you are able to stay connected to your daughter through all of this somehow. Can you pick her up from school once in a while and spend some time together? Perhaps you can pick her up at her grandparent's house? It may be difficult to work out if you can't stand to see your ex, but do try to find a way.

Best Wishes

Answer 2

It's one of Nature's little jokes that, just as women seem to invariably pick the most abusive man they can find, so too do men find crazy women sexy. They ARE great in bed, but there comes a point where you realize that the F***ing you are getting ain't worth the F***ing you are getting. And when you leave, she comes after you. Banning and badmouthing will just egg her on. It's a fight you can't win because she's way better at crazy than you are. I happen to know that you've effectively disappeared from the face of the earth in R\L. Do the same thing online. Get a new account. Don't talk to or mention her and she'll fixate on someone else.

Answer 3

I am the single (divorced) mom of two little boys. (Lucky for me, my ex-husband fathered neither, but still forces my older son to see him thru a twisted nightmare of a court case.) But enough about me. As for your question about if either of my boys were in your boat, sure, they would be more than welcome to stay with me but I would make it crystal clear that I didn't want to be involved at all. Do not involve your mother any further, you may be living with her currently but this is your own problem and you are a grown up. You will make it. Have a little faith and listen.
You need to go back into the child support office immediately and ask that the caseworker relook at your case and see if you can get an adjustment. You ex-wife took your house, hon. You cannot live with your mom forever, because it's not fair to her. What if she (your dear, sweet mother) wants a life too?
Go get some counceling and work on your self-esteem issues because, right now you are stuck in a deep dark well and can't see the light at the top. I know how it feels, I was there once or twice in the cheatee boat, too. Cheaters suck all your self-esteem away and it takes a professional to get it back.
When my boys grow up they will understand that they don't ever want to date a woman like that. I used to juggle men when I was a foolish teenager and I can't take it back, but I will let my boys know to look for the signs, especially because I was one and I've been attached to some. It's an ugly cycle.
One last thing...your daughter is going to look back on this one day and she will see that you got better. Her mother never will. I imagine the ex is in her thirties and since she's been doing the cheatin' thing for so long she will never change and your daughter WILL see this and be disgusted when she grows up. Don't trash talk the ex in front of her. The way I explained it to my older son was that each person makes choices, some aren't healthy or right, and we don't have to stop loving them but we also don't have to follow in their paths. I know you'll be okay. Just work out your emotional issues (not with your mom, with a credible psychologist and/or psychiatrist), get back into the court arena and fight to get your child support amount changed until you can get back on your feet, love your daughter and set a good example and have faith. Good luck.

Answer 4

First, I would let him know that I totally understand where he is coming from. I know that a divorce can be a hard and trying situation. So, I can empathize with his situation. I would tell him to let go of the bitterness and look forward to starting over. Bitterness only eats away at a person and makes them a shell of his or her former self. It makes a person mean and hard. I would tell him to not be afraid to open up his heart and soul to new love but only after he allows his soul and heart to heal. I would tell him to take some time for self and just enjoy being single and free for a while.
Finally, I would tell him to learn from the experience and stop blaming the other person. Look at self and don't point the finger. Don't worry about what she did, said, felt, took, or stole. Only worry about self because in the end; self is all any of us really have.

Answer 5

Find another woman!There are plenty of women out there who will go any distance for their love man,if they had one.But first,clean yourself of hard feelings you may have against women -are not sound-,don't bring into her and your lives the burden left by another.That woman was bad,and as horrible as some men can be,who knows her happy ending?but definitely not yours.You must look to be happy without that.She had and would have done this to you,not a loving being.
I don't know if at the moment you should be considering yourself of having a close relationship with another person,but take help/recovery with your own mother's femininity.There are good women like her,get used around her.That you took to do vasectomy is a sort of turn off to women expecting to be mothers of a family,and it is not only somewhat self mutilating but bringing your chances even lower.You must to be really down.Recover yourself first above else,then you can share.
Otherwise you,and the next woman in your Life,would make your lives miserable.

Answer 6

First, I'm a divorcee myself and I too was bitter. My husband committed adultry as well. I however moved on and spent 11 wonderful years with my 2nd husband before I was widowed last year. My son (1st marriage) is 15, I've tried hard to never speak ill of his father in front of him. And to that extent I have suceeded.

As for the bitterness, I feel that you deserve a certain amount of "whine time" anyone does and many may call it by different names. Take your time to get over the divorce. It takes different times for different people. But, don't judge all women by one. My brother went throug the same things. Heck, by the story you could almost be him with the exception of moving back in with mom. Not to say that option wasn't open but, the only decent thing the ex did in their divorce was not claim any community property.

Anyway, I'm rambling, as usual. What I'm saying is never let yourself judge with prejudice. Yes, there are more women out their like your ex. But, I bet when you are ready, you'll find more out there that aren't like your ex. Never let money hold you back from a love life. Any woman worth her salt will love you for who you are and not what you can give her.

Answer 7

E.S.P. would be a helpful tool for any one of us. However, it is still your duty, responsibility, mishap, whatever, to support the offspring you helped to create. I find it sad that so many people, especially men have to give more than the amount of money they have to make it possible for themselves to live off of. Hard to believe a piece of green paper has so much authority, and can ruin lives. I do not think money brings all happiness, but unfortunately it is a tool we all need in our society to survive. Advice is a gift many take for granted. It is rare that women are ALL to blame. I would ask my son to be honest. If he gave all of himself i would commend him repeateadly. Asure him that in time he will have a different view. As we age we grow, mature, see life in different perspectives. Appreciate more, climb our way through cliches. Become honest with OURSELVES. Money is important, however it is only important enough to live within society, rich or poor. Family has changed through the years due to the inventions of cars trains and planes. At one time families lived together in a close knit community. Now, we may not know an, uncle, aunt, father, mother, grandparent, etc.. To give you another perspective and not a sob story, I do not have a family outside of my four children and their father. I am thirty-five and there are times i wish i had a mother or father brother or sister to run to in times of happiness or despair , and yet I am oddly greatful for never having this. I've learned much appreciation. There is a lesson in every aspect of life. LEARN. Although i haven't any, i do believe that family should be people who share their lives through good and bad.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

M.Scott Peck

Answer 8

Would I let a man live with me in your situation. Yes. (but I am too old for you) What would I tell my son?? I could understand his bitterness. I still have some bitterness and it has taken years, literally, for me to rid myslff of lots of the bitterness. It could take years for you and maybe never get rid of it all. My advice would be to live together for a period on the next one. (although I am not a big believer in most cases of living together--but in your case--yes.) Time is the best healer--time and life's experiences. Just take things slow and easy. Don't rush anything--not even the healing. I do understand completely. Seriously. Good luck.

Answer 9

As for my son; I would allow him time to get through it on his own at first; knowing that this is the best way to let him sort everything out. He has to come to me on his own and I would not shove advice down his throat, unless he asked me first hand. I would listen to him talk; sometimes that's the most important thing that's needed; someone to listen. Would I let him move right in. Why not? He's my son.
Edit Graymalkin: Now I understand why you're a feminist; no man ever wanted you. Get a dang life woman!

Answer 10

Debra it is not so easy for a divorced husband with no money living with his mom to find a girl to marry as it is for a divorced woman with no money.