Possibly a loveless marriage?

Question

My husband and I are going through a very tough time. I don't think it can be explained easily like : we fight about money, work or bills. Its more that he loves to be a j*ckass and tickle and show affection in a really obnoxious way. Hoping to get a smile or giggle out of me. It usually causes me to retaliate by kicking him (involuntary?) or yelling and getting mad. These are the only ways to get him to leave me be. But recently I have less and less tolerance for his behavior. And he has less and less tolerance for my being b*tchy afterwards. (I can definately admit that I am a flaming b*tch after wards but I feel like he was just trying to poke the sleeping bear to get a reaction, and when he gets it he is surprised.)
We have 2 small children who both adore him and he is a wonderful father. I just wonder how can you tell if you are still loving toward one another? I can't imagine life without him, but am I just not wanting to move away because it will neg. affect my kids?

Or am I really not that in love with my husband? How can you tell? Should we go to counseling? What should I do about his anger issues? Or mine?
I doubt he'll go to see someone.
Also, I recently have low self esteem and he isn't supportive or helpful there at all...do you think that may be an issue here?

Answer 1

MY HUSBAND IS EXACTLY THE SAME BUT I CANT GET HIM TO GO TO COUNSLING SO I TRIED THE NEXT BEST THING I IGNORE HIM AND EVENTUALLY HE STOPS....... ITS STILL NOT A GOOD WAY TO LIVE BECAUSE I STILL GET ENRAGED BY HIS ACTIONS BUT AT LEAST THE KIDS DONT SEE OR HEAR ANY FIGHTING LATER WHEN EVERYTHING IS CALM I LET HIM KNOW WHAT HE HAS DONE AND HE APOLOGIZES......SOMETIMES THESE THINGS TAKE TIME AND SLOWLY VERY SLOWLY THINGS HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE BETTER

Answer 2

This may seem obvious but:
How do you want him to show you affection? Tell him if he kisses your neck or rubs your back you'll give him a giggle and a smile (or whatever would do this). Maybe he simply needs to be told what you like instead of only what you don't like. If he does what you like give him a kiss and show him something positive. At least if he keeps doing this you know he's only doing it to get a rise out of you and not being affectionate.

When was the last time you two went on a date? Or you got out for the night and did something totally different by yourself (like sculpting, Spanish class, Yoga/Pilate's, a book club, wine tasting club or anything you find interesting that you've never done before or used to enjoy before kids). Sometimes a little space apart with a hobby can give you both some breathing room and getting out can give you some perspective on life and marriage.

How do you resolve your conflicts like about bills or money or work? I heard from our councilor (I'm not perfect here my wife and I are having our problems too) that a key part of a marriage isn't having conflicts it's the mechanism you both have to resolving them. It was food for thought for us and we had a very good talk about how we can approach resolving our conflicts without resorting to a fight.

Answer 3

I've actually been in a very similar situation. You have to have an open and honest talk with each other. The thing that helped me the most was to make a list of my priorities. Was work really coming between us, or was I just stressed and took it out on him? Do you think that maybe y'all could benefit from counseling? Do you go to church? Sometimes churches have marriage counseling. Do you guys have a date night at least once a week? Even if it is just leaving work before you go to daycare to pick up the kids and having a special alone time at the park, or going to get a coffee.

The kids are an important part of your life and because of them, he will always be in your life.

What I would do is go out for a drive, just the 2 of you. No tv, or phones to bother you and just talk. I find that it eases me knowing I have his undivided attention and he has mine. Use "I feel" statements. "I feel upset when you poke me." or "I'm feeling a little stressed about work. I need someone to listen to me for just a minute." Then just wait for a reply. The statement that I used recently was this: "I feel alone lately. When you are on the computer when we talk, I feel unimportant. Can we have a talk?" That opened up the door for him to tell me what's going on with him and the computer.

I hope all this helps.

Answer 4

WOW. If you have any love left in your heart for him, or if you want to preserve the family unit, you absolutely need to go to counseling. Give yourself a set amount of time to modify these behaviors and then rethink about whether you want to stay or move on. But you both need to go to counseling; so often the husband views this as a sign of mental illness or something and refuses to go so you have to find a way to get him there. Tell him you are prepared to leave if you both can't get some new ways, with the help of a therapist, to relate to one another.

Only you can answer the questions you pose; is there ever a moment when you look at him now and smile? Or do you cringe seeing his car in the driveway as you approach the house? The former = try to work it out. The latter = try to work out a way to leave with no emotional B/S (don't look back or think it over a million times); you will then co-raise your children so you will never really be out of each other's lives.

Final note, do not use the children to hurt each other, try not to raise your voice in front of them and never speak poorly about their Dad in front of them.

Answer 5

I am actually having a rough time with my husband right now and I just try and think of it this way, everyone has rough patches in their marriages, and everything cant be perfect all the time, If you cant imagine life without him then I would have to guess that you do love him, have you tried to discuss your feelings with him? I know its hard Ive tried doing it with mine and I would be better off smashing my head in a wall. Maybe you should try counseling if you can get him to go, but time will tell. Most couples fight about money and bills its the number one thing married couples fight about so that's totally normal. Maybe you could try to be less bit**y towards him, no offense, and he should try being less annoying towards you, but maybe if you make some changes to things will get better. I wish you will and hopefully things will get better for you!

Answer 6

The fact that you can't imagine life without him says that you still have feelings for your Husband. You guys just seem to be moving in different directions and needs to get on the same path.

Just because he won't go to counseling, does not mean you can't go alone. The counselor will teach you all sorts of tips and tricks to cope with your temper and how to cope with your Husband's annyoing habits.

Everyone goes through tough times when you think you want to quit, this is more so if you are trying to deal with money problems. Is there a chance that the tickeling and the like, is his way of coping with the problems?

Answer 7

I think the low self esteem might be an issue.

When my wife is having esteem issues she is not approachable. So maybe he does the playful thing as a way of trying to make it all "fun" even though you do not think so.

Yes, counseling would be wise and any concessions on how to get him there would be worth if for the sake of the kids.

There was nothing in your comments about conversations you have had about these issues. That alone is a problem.

Answer 8

Your marriage is doomed to failure if you don't change. You show no appreication for this man. I think his tickling is sweet, you think it's obnoxious. Can you change the way you percieve him? Make a list of all the good things he is and does for you and maybe this will help you see him with different eyes. You married a good man but life has caused you to become unapprecicate of him. Read Dr. Laura's book on the Care and Feeding of Husbands and this will help you understand him. Even if you hate her, you will learn something. Men think so differently then we do.
Your children need to be raised in a happy home with a good father. And you have that right at your fingertip. Maybe you've fallen out of love-it happens in every marriage, But in the good marriages you fall right back in love. It happens everyday.
Good luck.

Answer 9

Have you sat down and talked to him about these issues, or do you just wait for the times when they come up?

Tell him that you don't like it when he does those things and that you will react negativly every time.

You should also sit and discuss financial matters and put yourselves on a budget that you can live on. That should stop the financial fighting.

I wish you luck, remember marriage isn't just for the good times...sometimes you get some really awful ones thrown in as well=)

Answer 10

I have low self esteem too...I am married but separated living as roommates with my hubby ONLY because we have two small children and I want them near their father...I can definitely relate to what you are going through...My family is not near me, if so I would move...I don't have help...I don't know your situation, are you able to get out...in the long run your kids will be okay it is better for them to not be in a negative environment...I wonder sometimes if I am really doing good or actually hurting my kids by staying...atleast we don't fight anymore :(

If you want to talk...e-mail me

Answer 11

"...and show affection...." That one little line perked me up. Your marriage isn't doomed, if you are both willing to put a little work into it. (and perhaps swallow a little pride)

Last year my husband and I were at odds. Seriously! It wasn't pretty. My tax accountant suggested a book to my husband and I. She found it on a marital retreat she took with her church. The ideas put forward in this book turned our marriage around. I think you should check it out. It is an easy read. It is called "The Five Love Languages". It talks about how everybody interprets love differently. What have you got to lose?