is my new bf a bad man?

Question

i am just filing for diviroce from my husband, geoff, and i have been dating a new man for the past 8 months named pablo. he started out so sweet in the beginning but now he is showing his true cultures. he has been smoking cigarettes and drinking red bull and never complimenting me anymnore. i dont know if he is attracted to me anymore. he says he loves me and we will marry next year in the fall when our child, trayshawn, is born but i have 2nd doubts about the man he is becoming. any advice appreciated.

Answer 1

If smoking cigarettes, drinking red bull, and "not complimenting" you anymore is as bad as it gets with Pablo, I say snatch him up honey cause you got a winner!

Answer 2

I think you're lucky to be discovering these things now instead of when you're married. Most women only discover them after a marriage.

Marriage is often one of two things with people. For some it's a beginning which means they recognize that they are embarking on a new life that will require them to work on an ongoing basis to earn love and to care for their partners.

For some it's an end. What that means is that they say to themselves ... "well that objective is achieved, now I can get on with another one." The go into the marriage with no intention of working on it any more. It never occures to them that a successful marriage requires constant effort.

From your description I think your fellow sees this as an end. You're getting divorced and clearly you are planning to marry him. So he doesn't feel a need any more to woo you and to pamper you because as far as he's concerned he's won you now. I feel that's the primary reason for his changed behaviour. Prior to this he was still trying to win you so naturally he's going to compliment you all the time and pamper you.

I think you have good reason to have doubts about the marriage. If he's already figured he owns you and as a result has stopped caring, once you're married that simply proves the point. What's worse too is that by marrying you condone those behaviours. You can't, at that point, start to complain about feeling unloved because he can rightly say that you knew how he was before you married him and you obviously accepted him as he is otherwise you'd not have married.

I don't know if he's a bad man, he may just be misguided about what marriage is all about. It could also be a cultural thing. I'd get to know his family and how his father treats his mother, that might give you an insight into how he may treat you. So you'll have to decide for yourself whether he's bad. But I think it's clear that he's not going to work on the marriage and ensure you will remain happy.

My suggestion to you is to not marry for now. I'd suggest that you try to help him understand that marriage requires caring, affection, pampering each other etc. Try to get him to understand that without that, the marriage is doomed. Try to encourage him to be more loving and caring. Perhaps he can learn. At the same time if he doesn't learn I'd go find someone who does understand.

And if he complains about the marriage being constantly delayed, I'd tell him the truth, that you don't want to marry someone who makes you feel like a posession, that you will only marry someone who cares for you on an ongoing basis.

I hope that helps a little. Good Luck.

Answer 3

If he is changing now, imagine how he will be later.

One thing to take into consideration is that he may just be having a hard time with this divorce you're going through.

I think you should talk to him about the sudden change. Find out if he's going to be this way later. And if he is, then, maybe you should consider letting him go. It's hard because relationsips go so well in the beginning, and then can end up so bad in the end. You guys are going to have a child together. If he wants to be a part of that child's life he needs to show that he will make every effort to be good to you.

Answer 4

You have been dating for 8 months, just filed for divorce, and you are having this other man's baby. He smokes and drinks red bull, and does not compliment you. You need to move back home and grow up. It sounds like you did not gain any common sense or decision making skills. If Pablo were smart he would run for he hills. And pay child support of course.

Answer 5

Honey, there's so much wrong with this scenario, I'm not even sure where to start! First, it sounds like you cheated on your husband with Pablo and are now having his child. If so...shame on you. Still....you dont' need to feel trapped in the r'ship with Pablo just because you're having his baby. Second, it's NEVER a good idea to start a r'ship so soon after a divorce. You have to give yourself time to re-evaluate things....to understand and learn something from the experience. It sounds like you haven't given yourself a chance to do that. Third - yes, it sounds like you're just headed for another divorce and is that really what you want? He doesn't sound like a good man. When kids are involved, it's SO much more important that you choose WISELY when it comes to who will be in their lives. You MUST choose to be with a man who treats you well and will be a wonderful father. Afterall, your children will learn from you and this man what a healthy r'ship is supposed to look like. Think about that. Goodluck to you.

Answer 6

Sounds like your relationship with Pablo took on a new phase. At first when a guy pursues a girl he is at his best, he says and does romantic things to try and win her over. After a while when he sees he won the girl, a guy can become more relaxed and comfortable. In his mind he is saying, "I already have her, she knows I love her, what more does she want". Typical guy, trust me. I am afraid his gentleman manners also went out the window as now he drinks beer in front of you and smokes his cigarettes. Talk to him about your concerns. If he drinks and smokes excessively, I am afraid it will create problems for you and him later. Since you are now having his child I would advise you to try to see if he is willing to work at all of this that is of concern to you. Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

What's wrong with his culture (or did you mean "colors") and what's wrong with drinking Red Bull? If you're just now filing for divorce, you're not ready to even entertain the notion of re-marrying just yet (in my opinion). Maybe you should give yourself some time to yourself and work on issues unique to you. There's no rush. A quality guy will wait for you, and a clown is better off gone anyway. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

I don't think Pablo is a bad man, but he may not be the man you should marry next. Please, do yourself a favor and find out exactly who you are, what you deserve and want and then consider dating and/or remarriage. Your whole question leads me to believe that you're confused and just looking for a place to land safely. You need to find out that you are your safe landing and when you're strong on that, then you can share your life and your strong self with another person who is your equal. That's when you will be most fulfilled.

Answer 9

seems pablo was in the 'honeymoon' stage of your relationship and is now letting himself relax and be himself. this tends to happen in a lot of relationships, both men and women do this. I wouldn't go as far as saying he is a 'bad' man but if this is the way he is now, don't expect it to get any better. i'm sure he's still attracted to you, he likely thinks that he doesn't have to play the 'courting' game anymore because he knows he has you now.
ultimately though, it's your decision whether you want to stay with him or not...

Answer 10

OK, so you aren't even divorced yet, but you've run into the arms of another man. (Just like your husband I'll bet)but to make matters worse you are pregnant by him. (the poor kid)

Look, it would have been better if you had repaired the relationship you have with YOURSELF before you went out & got tied down with another man long before the divorce papers are drawn up. But since you've already jumped from the frying pan & into a possible fire, try taking a look at what YOU are doing.
What I am trying to say is: Instead of asking questions about the men in your life. Ask yourself some hard questions about YOU.

Answer 11

What an evil man! Drinking red bull and not complimenting you? How dare he.

Smoking is a bad habit but doesn't make a bad man.

Are you complimenting him? Did you talk to him about your concerns. That is what you need to talk about. I doubt it it is the red bull, compliments, and smoking that is bothering you. There is something deeper you need to address.