Will this follow me forever?

Question

Over a year and a half ago I started talking to another woman. It was the wrong thing to do, but my wife and I had been having problems since our marriage began. I found someone to talk to who enjoyed me and I enjoyed being wanted. I know it was the wrong thing to do. After going through the whole deal with my wife she believe that I slept with this woman. I did not. However it is still an emotional affair that is not fading. I look at other couple with similar situations and see that, no matter how distant the problem it persists for the life of the marriage. My wife nor I want to feel like this forever. Councelling is out, my wife is not interested although I am. Do we have a chance of getting past this?
Thoughts?

Ok should've clarified. Spoke with other woman for one week. New it was wrong, went to the councelor myself, without my wife. I tell her that we should try to move forward and rebuild... These efforts are all there. My question is this: when we are retired sitting on the lawn furniture are we going to be the old bitter couple because of a stupid mistake so long in the past. Who knows a couple that have been through this and are truely happy now? They don't just pretend happy but are truely happy?

Answer 1

You won't get past it if you maintain this "emotional" relationship. You have to stop seeing & talking to this woman and maybe your wife can start to trust you.

Answer 2

Sometimes in a relationship it's easier to deal with and move past an affair that was purely sexual in nature. The ones that are "emotional" I feel are far worse to deal with. It's one thing to just have sex with someone and forget about it. It's a totally different situation when feelings and time are involved or invested. In the long run it's up to your wife whether or not she forgives you. If she can't, and doesn't want counseling.. maybe things have taken their course in your marriage. And, she feels like she's done. That is only something that your wife can give you an answer to. If you were having problems and your wife wasn't giving you the attention you needed you should have talked to her about it before stepping out on her. (which I'm sure you already know).. even if it was only for an emotional affair. She probably feels like less of a woman either way and that's hard for her to deal with. If you have admitted to her that you are wrong and asked for her forgiveness over a year and a half ago and she's still giving you flack.. she's wrong. She has the choice to stay with you and forgive you.. or move on. She can't just keep you around for the constant torture. Best of luck.

Answer 3

You sound like a really nice man who just made a stupid mistake. I can understand that your wife is upset. To a woman, emotional affairs are almost as bad, if not worse, than sexual affairs. Women want to feel that they are their husbands closest friend - the person he leans on for emotional support. The fact that you didn't feel you could talk to or lean on your wife, but instead did so with another woman, is what has her upset. Also...women have very active imaginations. UNDERSTAND this - whatever she is imagining is MUCH worse than anything you did....and unfortunately, she's made herself judge and jury and has already convicted you of these things.

Be patient with her. Reassure her as much as you can...physically, emotionally. Be very lovey dovey with her. Go out of your way to tell her all the things you love most about HER and that you don't want to be with anyone else in the world. She needs that right now. The wound is still fairly fresh. You act like it happened 5 yrs ago. Still....if you've done all of this and she is still treating you like a cheating dog, then that's not right. You have to find SOME way to get her to agree to counseling. Maybe you could be sly and introduce her to a couple who has gone through counseling and it helped their marriage. If she sees other people who've done it, maybe she'll be more likely to say ok. Either way - you're on the right track. You've accepted responsibility, admitted your mistake, have asked for forgiveness and are working to make your r'ship better. Reconciliation takes BOTH people and if she won't meet you half way then you might need to re-think the r'ship later on.

Answer 4

Your memories always stay, but it doesn't have to ruin your life. So often in our lives we do things we regret, we make mistakes and some of these hurt not only us but others as well (a car accident is an example). We remember, and we never forget, but it can make us better, if we want it to.

However, one might question why it is wrong to have a friend outside your marriage. People have that all of the time. Friends are essential to life, and sometimes that friend is of the opposite sex.

What I would do is tell the wife you are 100% willing to go through a lie detector test to prove you didn;t have sex with the woman. If your wife in any way objects, it is obvious the problem isn't the sex part, it's that you can actually have needs more than what she can provide. By the way, you don't have to have her go with you to go to counseling, you can go on your own.

Answer 5

How long have you and your wife been married? How long has it been since you've talked with this other woman?

Your wife has some trust issues. She feels insecure because you have turned to this girl in the past. Maybe you should try securing your relationship with her. Does she feel like the only one in your life? And if she doesn't, what can you do to make her feel like she is?

I would suggest trying romance. Fall in love all over again. And if that doesn't work, then you need to convince her that you don't want your marriage to fall apart so counseling is necessary to stay together.

Answer 6

You have to decide whether you can live with this over your head forever. It is sad that your wife is not interested in counseling. The best advice is to seek counseling on your own - you will figure out whether to end your marriage or how to live with this shadow. Many people experience similar issues and it does no good to anyone to harbor ill feelings long after the situation has passed. Maybe after you've been to counseling a few times, your wife may change her mind and go with you - or go by herself. Maybe she cannot be totally honest with you (for trust reasons) and would agree to see the same counselor, but seperately.

Answer 7

Counseling has its ups and downs. Cut off your emotional affair, and then you will beable to start dealing with your marriage. Your wife will not be responsive until she is sure that this is no longer going on. You need to devote yourself to her totally. In all honesty, a lot of woman are not realistic, they will with hold sex for rediculous reasons, snap at everything you say, make you feel stupid and worthless. Truthfully, I would talk to you and your wife. I have a lot of experience with this, I am not a doctor, or "counselor". It seems that you and your wife went down the wrong road, and you both have a lot of work ahead of you. Because of your "fling" it will be hard to convince her that she actually had any part in pushing you away. In fact both sexes have a lot to do with the dimise of marriage.

Answer 8

What I don't understand is this; you just don't start having problems once your marriage begins, there had to be problems in the relationship before you two even considered marriage. But if your wife doesn't want counseling; get it for yourself. Then when you are done, your actions at that point is going to speak louder than your words. You will have to tell her where you are; where you are going, who you are talking to, every little detail of your doings and where abouts, until she feels she can trust you. You screwed up, so you have to do what you need to do to fix it.

Answer 9

You go to the couselor and make the appointment soon. It's important for you. (You need to stop this with the other woman. Your wife has been hurt, she once was who you needed and now she has been replaced)....Your wife will become interested in what is happening at the couselors meeting and maybe she will go just to see what is going on. The counselor will tell you that your wife will need to come in time. Yes, you have a chance of getting beyond this but it will take help and time. You will need and also your wife will need to see what attracted the two of you and it will start there.
Good Luck. Make the appointment.

Answer 10

there is nothing wrong for a married person to have a friend of the opposite sex. just because you get married, there is nothing on the marriage license that prohibits opposite sex friends.

when a marriage is going over a rough patch, it's so normal to want to get input from the other sex, as long as it is only talking. the other partner may consider that mental cheating, but it isn't.

only talking to each other and keeping the lines of communication open all the time, will you two work things out. how would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Answer 11

Pursue the counselling anyway...at its best, she may see a positive change in you and decide to give it a try herself. At the worst, at least you'll work through some of your own issues which will put you in a better frame of mind to move forward with your life. Personally I think you have a chance to get past this, but what matters most is what you both think...that's where your true answers lie. Good luck to both of you.