What should you do if YOU'RE the one cheating?

Question

I know I'm going to get slammed for this, but I honestly want to know if there's any way for me to maintain any shred of integrity... so please, if you have an answer I'd like to hear it but if you just want to tell me how horrible I am, I'm already aware of that.

My husband is a good man, works hard, pays the bills, loves me and our 4 year old daughter. He's 100% committed to marriage, and divorce has never been in his vocabulary. However, because of me, we've never had a good marriage and after 6 years of tension, I kissed somebody else. I admitted this to my husband, who flipped out. He gave me a second chance, as long as there was zero contact with the other guy. I still have a relationship with the other guy (no, I have not slept with him).

I know my husband deserves MUCH better. I love him but we're not IN love. At all. That's the problem. What should I do? For my husband's sake? For my daughter's sake? What do people think of women who initiate divorce?

Answer 1

You need to get some counceling! I'm not going to slam you, but I do think you need to hear like I see it.

You have a good husband. He loves you, he loves your daughter, he provides for you and he is 100% committed to your marriage. You are one of the lucky ones, and you are taking it for granted!! You need to figure out why what he is, isn't enough for you. This isn't about him - you are insecure and in need of something that NO man can provide for you. If you leave this relationship, I have a feeling you will regret it!

Before you make this decision, get into some counceling - mariiage and individual. Work on getting the spark back in your marriage, but most importantly work on yourself. Don't throw away a good thing - you may NEVER find it again!!!!

Good luck!

Answer 2

My parents went through something similar (only without any affairs) a long time ago. Neither one was in love with the other although they still cared for each other. They tried to stay together for me and my sister but after 5 years of fighting and everything they realized that this doing more harm to us than good. They managed to remain friends (again more for my sister and I than for themselves) and are both much happier now. Your daughter will eventually accept it and realize that you need to be happy too. It won't be easy for any of you but a divorce is probably your best course of action.

Until then I would do as your husband asked and cut off contact with the other man just to avoid even more complications. Also I think you'll feel better about yourself and your future relationship (if you have one) without the guilt of continuing to cheat. After the divorce is final see if you still have feelings for him and go from there.

Good Luck to you.

Answer 3

Being a 'good man' does not guarantee a happy relationship. That you kissed another man tells me that you are on the cusp of something, but as yet unsure what exactly. I think you know what you should do. Get some counseling to try and work out exactly what is causing your current feelings. Whatever you discover, you need to think about both you and your husband...both of you deserve to be happy and not feel as though you are trapped in a loveless relationship. Eventually one of you will do something to bring it all to a head anyway, so do something about it now before it turns ugly. You like and respect your husband so do him a favor and give him that at least. If it means divorce, so be it..it is better than lying to him and yourself. Remember that when things turn ugly...it will be your daughter who will suffer most, so figure out what to do now before it gets worse.

Answer 4

you say your husband is a good man and loves you and your daughter but your not in love with him.....the answer should be to get that love back...if you can focus on him and make him your priority for you first and for your daughter. You sound like you know what your doing is wrong so it must be an attraction thing...find what attracted you to your husband and bring it back...have date nights once a week. one month he plans the dates next you do.. rediscover yourselfs if after a month or two you still have the same feelings but honestly havent acted, spoken, with another man than divorce is the only option. hes given you a second chance and your breaking that...but for your daughters sake do something. gl

Answer 5

That doesn't make you a horrible person. I'm just wondering why you blame everything on yourself? Why aren't you guys in love? Is he distant? Cold?

I understand what you mean about not being IN love...would it be possible for you to fall back in love with your husband? Maybe counseling or something? a couple's retreat?

Your both your daughter AND your husband sake, you should try to make the marriage work. Try romancing him or vice versa. Just try. And by no means should you sleep with this other man.

But in the end, if it doesn't work, at least you can say you gave it your best effort. Sometimes marriages just don't work.

Answer 6

There is nothing wrong with a woman initiating divorce. I don't think that should be about men or women.. it should be done by who ever is unhappy. And, you sound very unhappy to me. My advice to you is.. if you are no longer in love with your Husband, and seeking counseling is not an option to you.. then you should let him go. It will hurt far worse for the both of you (and your child) if you stay in a dead relationship that can't be saved. The important thing is that you continue to be honest with your Husband. Communication between the two of you is important because of your child. But, don't stay with him because of your child. It will only lead to pain and heartache in the long run. Best of luck.

Answer 7

If your husband wasn't in love with you he wouldn't have flipped. You should cut ties with the other man, and work on yourself. You said you are the reason you haven't had a good marriage, work on why you are self destructing the marriage. You do deserve a good husband, which sounds like you have, now convince your heart and head that you have what you are looking for, just need to open your eyes.

Answer 8

Divorce is not an option for you. You may divorce your spouse only if they have committed adultery. If you divorce for any other reason and you get another man, you will be committing adultery with him even if you marry the second one and you will also cause the new guy to commit adultery. Have you forgotten your marriage vows, or did you not mean them when you said them? Remember they go like this for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until DEATH do us part? Forget about this other man and put your whole heart and mind into your own husband and child. The marriage bed shall not be defiled. You are walking on dangerous ground. Grow up, suck it up and do the right thing.

Answer 9

I am not going to slam you since I have never been in your shoes. Since you say that you love your husband but are not in love with him, my suggestion is you file for divorce. Give him the opportunity to find someone who does want to be with him. There is no crime in not being in love with someone. You would be doing both you and him a huge favor by getting out. Your daughter will be just fine as long as the two of you be the adults you are supposed to be and put her first.

Answer 10

Since you say you are not in love, I would advise you to let him go. You should tell your husband how you feel, come what may. Integrity is about doing the right thing even when you think no one is looking. I commend you for your honesty, both with the forum, and with yourself. This path won't be the easiest you've chosen, but you'll be much happier in the end. It's never right to stay with someone just because it's comfortable!