Help I can't get over his affair. It's been a year. Still have big doubts and he wants things to be the same.

Question

The latest affair that I found out about on Good Friday 2006, from the biatches mouth lasted two years. He just says that he felt I no longer loved him and he didn't want to be alone. He bought her diamonds and pearls, took her to amusement parks and even bought her a passport so that they could go away. I don't think that it has stopped but I can't prove it. He was and is very sneaky, I never know where he is and he controls all of our money. Well he did, I just stopped my direct deposit from going to our joint account to my own personal one. This really has him ticked off, even though he says that my salary doesn't even pay the bills and one of his deals is much more than a full year of my pay. He is a real estate agent and she is a lender, he hasn't sold anything since Dec. 2006 they carry on a 9-5 any hotel relationship. She has since divorced her husband and expected him to do the same. He says she is nobody and that he could never find anyone take care of him like I do

Answer 1

You have to decide if you are able to continue this marriage. that is the first step. you have to be willing to forgive and forget. it's hard and of course you never forget but you have to shove it away each time it comes up otherwise you haven't fully forgiven. if you can do this then there is a piece of your marriage left and you can begin to work on it. the next step is for the two of them to cease their working relationship. how can you ever heal if the set up is still the same. you never know what is going on with them and even though you are supposed to forgive i don't recommend continuing any type of daily interaction with the person you cheated with. i think you need to seek marital counseling to work on the financial issues. it is not fair for him to attack the amount of money you make but that's an easy issue to fix. the biggest part is figuring out if you can truely get past the affair and if you can, then be prepared because it requires a great effort on your part to act like things are back to the same. And you are going to have to act like they are otherwise it won't work. you can't continue to act suspicious of him or bring up his affair constantly. Seems like you come out the loser in the situation but if your marriage is worth it to you, you will understand that you are actually the winner because you defeated the enemy that tried to invade/attack your territory.

Answer 2

I agree with the other answers. From what you wrote, he has been lying and cheating for a long time now; and he has decided that he will continue this way because you put up with it! Cheaters have serious issues that they cannot deal with, so they hurt others because they are emotionally ill themselves....They seldom change.

I am sorry to say this, because I believe in marriage, but in this situation the best thing you can do is divorce him and move on with your life. It takes "two to tango" and it seems that you have been dancing alone for quite a while now....

So what if he earns more money- You have an income and that is a great help! Please consider going to therapy or having a long chat with someone you trust....You need to make a list of pros and cons, and be honest! IF you are putting into this relationship MORE than you are getting out of it, it's time to reconsider your marriage.....Nobody deserves to be cheated on, or to be made miserable. You sound like a nice woman, so take care of yourself and think about your life and what you want out of it.

He is an adult and will have to pay the price of his actions and his stupidity....He has treated you badly, hurt you and expects you to continue being there for him, like a doormat.
Honey, you deserve better than this!

Remember...You cannot expect others to love, accept and/or respect you IF YOU DONT RESPECT AND LOVE YOURSELF FIRST ! ((This is not selfishness; it's a healthy attitude and a healthy self-esteem....)) Use the talents and gifts God has given you....He wants you to be happy.

I wish you well and hope you ask God to guide you and help you make the right decisions, so you can be a healthy person. Good luck!

Answer 3

I only have one question here and that is....What the hell are you thinking???? Get out!!!! Why don't you get some counseling and find out why you are stuck and why you are tollerating this kind of abuse on yourself? I hope you are not giving him sex? He's a philander and could give yoyu a life threatening STD!!! Why do you need him?? What do you see in this man? He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you and he having SEX with other women? Why do you feel you deserve nothing better than this? You hate yourself more than your own husband does!! He is making a fool out of you and a mockery to your relationship with him. No one takes care of him like you do because no one in their right mind would allow a husband to get his cake and eat it to! You are not special to him you are nothing as far as he is concerned. He's an idiot! Get yourself a lawyer and quit playing games with him! He is no good to you and you know it! Nothing will ever make him stop and nothing is ever going to get any better. You know what time it is and you know what you have to do. He just needs to go....and you need to show him the door sweetie. What a heartless man you have running in circles around your life! This is your life ...is this the way you want to live it? You can only change yourself you have no power to change him.....he is doing what he wants to do and that is the bottom line. Don't walk away from him RUN!! Get over him ....what are you waiting for ...what will it take to realize he does not care about you anymore?? Please go talk with a proffesional and learn the courage and the strength to leave this man. Love yourself and know that you deserve more than the dirty rotten deal he is handing you. Best wishes sweetie.

Answer 4

Let me translate for you:
"He says she is nobody and that he could never find anyone take care of him like I do"

He means, no one esle will put up with his BS.

If the two of you aren't in counseling to address the cheating, heal the betrayal and rebuild trust, I don't see that things will go back to the way they used to be.

Reading material if you are unwilling to go to counseling:
Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Janis Abrahms
Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore
Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

Answer 5

Wow,
I think the first thing you should do is join an Abused Women Support Group so you can get some unbiased perspective on this whole issue. You need to go to a local Woman's Shelter for abused woman they will have groups there. This guy I tell you now will not let you go with out a fight and you will need all the help you can get. Do it on the sly and do not start a war until you are prepared and have lots of support. Turn the tables and let him live in ignorant denial while you prepare yourself. Rent the Movie "Enough" that should should scare you enough to let you get an idea of how bad it can get if you let him know you are not willing to deal with his BS anymore. Do not want to be dramatic but something in your email really makes me think this guy is a huge control freak and a real player!

Answer 6

For your own sanity, my friend, move on. It sounds to me like he is just stringing you along. He was doing things for her that he should have been doing for you..as you are his wife. If after a year you still don't trust him and suspect that he's still seeing her.. do yourself a BIG favor and let him go. It's going to hurt far worse to keep him around. You have already took the first step in a little independence by separating your money from his. Of course he was pissed about it.. he was more than likely using your money to continue his cheating efforts. Congrats to you for taking control back of what's yours. Be strong and just leave him. There's no way that a man can cheat with one woman for two whole years and not have any feelings for her. After all, she left her own Husband for a reason.. Which was the fact that your Husband is probably telling this woman he loves her..etc. Don't sit by and take his crap any longer. I guarantee once you are rid of him and the endless stress he brings to your heart.. you will feel like a new woman. There are too many GOOD men in this world to just sit around and be mistreated by a BAD one. Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

1st of all you are very smart to have your own account.....now next if he didn't sel a house sence dec. he is still cheating theirs no way that should happen unless he just have bad luck....to real you should have been gone by now quit being so weak minded....i feel the minute he cheated with this other woman he saying to you at the same time he don't care about you, you are weak and you need him in your life prove him wrong show him better.,..... girl just save up and move find the lord if you don't know him yet he will help you through anything, anytime.....you are better then this and you deserve better......but hey if you feel you can trust him again it's up to you......but in my eyes he is just a loser who don't care about anyone but his self.....you need to ask yourself what are you waiting on to move on... yeah some people cheat and it's a big mistake...big mistakes happens 1 time.....to do something over again happens more then once...think about that

Answer 8

What were the condition for you pardoning him? Did you guys discuss in detail what he will have to do to regain your trust? Did you guys seek counseling?

Once a cheater one has to make amends and do what is necessary to make his partner trust him again. If he's fulfilling the conditions and demands you placed on him after his infedility then you are just suffering from remorse and probably should think about yourself more than him or the relationship or any other external concerns.

I never believe in giving a cheater another chance. But obviously you have given him a chance and you need not to take any more crap. I mean one condition of staying with him should have been you knowing where he is always.

Answer 9

It takes confidence to be "Bold" and this woman has plenty of it. It's clear she wore the pants in this affair. It doesn't make you any less of a woman unless you continue to be the bottom link in this chain. Your guy allowed an affair to infiltrate your happiness and therefore is responsible for closing the gap of your doubt and suspicions and he has not attempted to do that. I believe everyone deserve a second chance to make right on their mistakes, but only if they act on their own apology. "Sorry", just doesn't cut it. You still don't know where he is and he hasn't made enough change to his routine to relieve you of your distrust.

You have taken the first step by separating your finances. It's almost transparent that it takes a pretty piece of change ($) for him to keep this woman and as soon as his sales pickup so will his affair. Don't let his wallet be the deciding factor in your happiness or unhappiness.

Answer 10

Get out! He is not worth the pain and distrustful thoughts that you have to deal with everyday. Put your head up high and walk out. You deserve so much better. The worse part is if the girl is divorced then will be bugging your husband for a long long time. What happened to love? Who cares if you take good care of him it is about love, trust and honestly and he seems to lack that. Get out! It will be the best thing you ever did for yourself.