My 16yr old is oblivious to her worthless father!?

Question

I have a 16yr daughter who thinks her Dad is so great and her step-father and I are monsters. We pay tuition to a private school, bought her a car for her 16th b-day, pay her insurance, clothes, etc. She get pretty much anything she wants. Her Dad refuses to pay for anything in addition to the measly little child support he wouldn't be paying if it wasn't court ordered and automatically deducted from his paycheck. My daughter sees no problem with this, it is his choice she says. First she said he couldn't because he couldn't afford what we can afford, then he bout a 2006 Mustang GT for himself. He has her convinced it wasn't expensive. She falls for his BS constantly and it is driving me crazy! We have rules and discipline that go with all the benefits she gets from my husband and I and that is what makes us the jerks/monsters. I am so sick of it I don't know what to do!

Answer 1

<> This is a loooong answer but it comes from personal experience....so, I hope it helps.

Ok, now, this answer might not get me the "best answer" rating but I am willing to put my virtual neck out there to save you and your daughter some major heartache--hopefully.

Ok there are a TON of issues in what you wrote but let me try to parse them out here. First, the issue of your financial support of your daughter: You said that you pay for private school, you bought her a car, you pay for her insurance, put clothes on her back and “she gets pretty much anything she wants”.

Your daughter is 16 years old. She doesn’t have the benefit of life experience, of having to work for what she gets (meaning have a job and earn money, pay taxes). You have put her in a lifestyle where her peers (at the private school) and your peers (the parents of her private schooled peers) have indulged the children by handing them everything and never telling them to get a summer job to earn money to pay for her car insurance or to get an after school job to pay for the things that she needs…like gas money. You expect her to appreciate and understand the value of a dollar when your actions show her that there are money trees out in the backyard?

The other problem I see is that you say, “We have rules and discipline that go with all the benefits she gets from my husband and I and that is what makes us the jerks/monsters”. Well, let me say first…that there shouldn’t be any rules or discipline that go along with you providing for her as parents provide for their children. You send her to private school because it is the right thing to do for her and you want what is best for her. You put clothes on her back because that is, frankly, your obligation as a parent. The “rules and discipline” should be because you want to raise a good daughter with morals and principles that are consistent with what you believe a young lady should have. She should learn to behave appropriately because it is the right thing to do not because you will take her car away.

Second, you are absolutely aghast at the fact that your daughter doesn’t care that her father doesn’t contribute for anything in addition to his “measly” court ordered child support that is automatically deducted from his paycheck. Well, first of all—why should she? I mean, whether he contributes or not she still gets whatever she wants, right? It’s not as if you all are struggling to get by and without his child support check you can’t afford to feed her. I am not saying that he shouldn’t contribute for her needs just because you are more financially well-to-do but….you give her whatever she WANTS and frankly, you should be proud of a daughter that loves her parent whether or not he sends her to a private school or buys her a car or clothes her in designer duds…

I think that if you really got to the core of the issue with your daughter you might find that she sees you and your husband as “monsters/jerks” because you seem to believe that you can pull the strings on the material/monetary things that you give her when you don’t like what she does or thinks (how many times have you thrown this money-father thing in her face when you were mad at her or frustrated with the situation?)…and she may have a ton lot more respect for her father because there are not complicated financial ties between the two of them…the complicated financial ties are between YOU and her father…between her and her father is only the parental bond and I think it says a whole lot about your daughter’s character.

Want that kind of unconditional love/respect/caring for yourself? Well, you don’t have to take things away from her…keep giving but give to her unconditionally…meaning that it is not an issue of loyalty every time you pay her car insurance ( I do not mean give her money excessively regardless of cause). Work on your emotional bond with her and get yourself some therapy to get over the anger issues you have towards her father…YOU picked him for her, after all…now you have to live with it. Keep in mind she is not loving your EX, she is loving her DAD. Besides, think about your own relationship with your father—if you had a good relationship with him would you want someone tearing him down the way you tear her father down? If you didn’t have a good relationship with him don’t you wish you did?

The bad news is that the problem is not with her or her dad it’s with you. The good news is that you can change your own feelings and behavior a whole lot more easily than you can change someone elses.

P.S When the currency you deal with your daughter in is money, you will get dealt with in money from your daughter. When the currency is love, respect and admiration...that's what you will get in return.

Answer 2

I had the same problem with my daughter with 2 exceptions.

I am a stay at home mom, so we are living on a lower income than you are. My husband does't make much more than the bills and a few extras. My daughter knows this and is well aware that we cannot afford for her to have the little things she wants.

I have showed her the paperwork and what we went through to get the support we are owed, which we still don't get. She is well aware of the reality. Its painful, but better that then to have her live in fantasy land and crash hard when she is in the real world. She still loves her dad, but she knows who takes care of her and that kids aren't free.

It is common for the rule makers to be seen as monsters. She will appreciate this when she is older and more mature.

If you want her to understand the financial sacrifices you make for her, then I suggest you change some things. Make her responsible for working a part time job and paying her own insurance. Teach her the value of a dollar and the consequence of not paying up on financial responsibilities. Make her buy some of her own clothes, pay for her own gas.

Two things will happen...1) She will be better prepared for the financial responsibilities she will have in 2 years when she becomes an adult. 2) She will have a better idea how much it costs to raise her and realize her father is not bearing the burden.

You might also want to go over the household budget and bills to show her thoroughly what it costs to run a home and pay for her extras. You can never start too early in matters of reality and finances. I think you may be starting too late.

And, yeah, show her the cost of a Mustang. I don't think its wrong of you to help her to understand reality and what her father is doing. She can still love him and have a good relationship with him while understanding what you and your husband do for her.

Answer 3

First take a deep breath. You of course are the bad guy your the parent, he on the other hand is more of the friend type parent. Yep cool to hang around with but, when she becomes an adult she will look back and make a rational decision as to where she got the best up bringing. Just don't put her dad down if you do it will push her more to him to defend him and be loyal to him. Girls tend to be that way with their fathers regardless of how the dad behaves. Don't take it personally. If you feel she is taking you for granite then you need to let her know that until she starts to show appreciation for the stylish clothes you buy, then you will only buy the what is necessary. Sit and talk with her one on one (with out the step dad) though he is part of the family at this time her loyalty is to her dad, so you three need to work it out and then bring in the step dad to give your daughter the reassurance that he isn't there to replace her father. Good luck

Answer 4

Just keep supporting her. I'm sure she feels like your the only person on her side, and would be hurt if she started to think otherwise. Not that I'm saying don't listen to your husband. I don't think you should move out. Your marriage shouldn't be ruined because of this. Your husband needs to realize that this is going to happen, and the father will be part of his child's life. He needs to accept it and be thankful. At least his daughter was with someone who cares enough to be a part of her life instead of treating his daughter like a piece of meat and dropping her after he was done. And as someone said above, this doesn't make you a bad parent. Kids will make mistakes. All you can do is help her now, and hope you've raised her well enough to be able to handle this. The fact that she isn't just going to have an abortion shows that she is being responsible. Maybe family consoling? I don't know what else to suggest. Or everyone needs to sit together and listen to each other and be accepting of the way the other feels. Good luck.

Answer 5

Here is the simple part of this, she is a girl and he is her dad. Girls tend to favor their fathers more and take alot more from them than they will the mother. Dads know when that little girl is born that he is already wrapped around her little finger. Everything will be fine, give her a few years to mature, but if i were you id have her get a job and learn responsibility for things like insurance, she could pay that. Make it a deal to keep the car, she needs to be able to afford the car insurance, taxes, plates, gas and that you will meet her half way on repairs. Just a thought, to help you out a bit.

Answer 6

I understand Completely! I think it all comes from the fact that some..not all but some...have a very good idea on how to brain wash children. It can be very easily done to young innocent children and its truly sad that it happens, but it does. a lot of fathers have learned how to play the system, from paying child support & visitation to making yo look like a monster. I understand you have your rules and every child needs rules and disapline to be able to survive in the world when they get on thier own....but does her father have any rules? Is going to dads house a time to party and have fun and live high on the hog..(so to speak) Could she get away with anything there? They make it seem like living with them is and would be paradice. They are so brain washed that they dont understand that its a make believe world at thier dads house. Plus the fact that they dont realize that they are only at dads house for a short time.....Give her time, she will realize it sooner or later. Investigate into the "games" that he has played over the years....If he can get away with it why not you. Good luck

Answer 7

She will eventually realize what a jerk her dad is. My son is 10 and spends as little time with his father but my 5 year old daughter worships the ground he walks on. She's slowly pulling away from him and here's how I know. At daycare she had to list everyone in her family. She listed her brother, her half-sister (her dad's daughter), me, herself, and my boyfriend. Never mentioned her dad.

He doesn't pay child support and claims he can't work because of an injury. Personally he's too lazy to work and could if he really wanted to.

All I can say is give it time. She'll realize what he is really like.

Answer 8

First of all, your feelings for him should not play a main roll in her life. If you are thinking of your daughter, you would want her to have a good outlook toward her father.....reguardless of what a jerk he is. Also, I am guessing that you and your husband are the disciplinary influence in her life. That would explain the 16 -year old attitude of you being the jerks.....
I say hang in there!!!!
1)Do not belittle or speak badly about her father.
2)Just know that in time she will see the light!(usually after having her own kids)
3)This is a normal behavior
Ive been through this similar frustration. Do not let it rattle you,
keep doing what you are doing and DO NOT SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT HER FATHER!

Answer 9

Standard operating procedure for a teenager. I am dealing with almost the same thing from daughters mom. She doesn't pay her child support at all. She doesn't work, claims she too messed up mentally. Our daughter thinks that perfectly acceptable and has made excuses regarding it. Sorry, have no solutions but figured it might help to know there are others who see the same type of junk from their ex's and teens as well.

Answer 10

Get a price on that GT. Just pull it up print it out and set it on the side. You are not pushing anything in her face you just didnt realize that you left it there. Yea I know silly but sometime you have to do that.

For the rest. I dont think there is really anything you can do she will come to realize in her own time the truth. Remember that age parents have no idea what they are talking about. Dad is more of a friend he isn't doing any of the parenting. Yes its hard yes you have won the rotten mother award again. this from a woman that has won it for 23+ years in a row.

Sorry love stinks :D
Good Luck

Answer 11

NO NO NO. Do NOT try to turn your daughter against her father. It will only make your situation worsen. How she feels about him now is a big part of her happiness. Trying to take that away will strengthen her resentment toward you. Pick your battles more carefully. If money is the only problem you're having with her dad, you're doing pretty good anyway.
Say nothing, good or bad, about your ex and let her figure it out on her own in her own time.