okay, I'm looking for this monologue my friend did last year, but she's moving and the book it's in is packed (she can't remember the name of the book).
it's about this reaalllllllyyyy southern lady who's doing a cooking show. she "baptizes" her ingredients instead of washing them, reads fan mail, etc. oh, and everything's fried. i really need to find it. does anyone know what it's called/where i can find it???
2007-06-15 04:23:12 · 3 answers · asked by theycallmejess 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Theater & Acting
the BAPTIST GOURMET
g'morin, and welcome to channel sixty four's COOKING WITH TULULA. im tulula lee may, your baptist gourmet, and before i lead you in a recipe, im gonna lead you in a prayer!
' lordy lordy let me learn, not to let my souffle burn, and if it does, o promise me this: someone in my kitchen will like it crisp, amen'
last night i was divinely inspired when the lord came to me in a dream and said "tulula u r my culinary link to humanity, i bestow upon you the celestial preparation for fried grits."
ingredients are hominy, cheese, and(the life giving energy to all the lord's creatures) fat. first we must baptize the ingredients * throws water on ingredients* YOURE BAPTIZED< YOURE BAPTiZED< YOURE BAPTISED! next we finely chop the hominy and cheese, which i have already done, because they wont let me have the air time i need *offstage* isnt that right jimmy? *under breath* producer schmoducer--next we take the hominy, the cheese, we put it in the skillet and fry it up! JUST FRY IT UP!IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JUST FRY IT UP!!!!! whew this is gonna be a good one.
while we're waiting for the culinary miracle, like waiting for the second coming, id like to read some viewer mail. *picks up stack of mail* preacher mapplethorpe writes "dear tulula, thank you for bringing your fried caesar salad to the church bazaar. everyone raved over those cute little baby jesus croutons and the parmesan cheese was like snow in the manger!"
AMEN
tessie jo miller from duncan road asks "dear tulula, what is the rule of thumb in southern baptist food preparation?" tessie! has your cheese dun slid off your cracker? just slap some cheese on it and fry it up! JUST FRY IT UP!IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JUST FRY IT UP!!!!! o lord help us all!
sally dunn from peachtree lane asks "dear tulula, how can i make my home-fried-taters taste like yours?" sally, i seen the way you handle your taters, you just chop 'em all up like they was the devil's spawn, with every slice, you must instill goodness and ethics and morality. u must care for them like god cares for us, and your creation will be as perfect as his! which reminds me... lets resurect those grits! * taste them* MMmmMM just like the lord woulda made'em!
now yall be sure to tell your catholic frineds to tune in next week, cause im makin fried saint joan kabobs! bye yall!!
(just building on the previous answer)
2007-06-15 06:26:06 · answer #1 · answered by rhapword 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hahaha! I usually don't comment on questions when I don't know the answer, but "baptizing" ingredients instead of washing them had me laughing out loud! Sorry I can't be helpful, but I really hope you find it, because it sounds hilarious!
2007-06-15 04:29:56 · answer #2 · answered by HP Wombat 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's really hilarious! I think it might be "The Baptist Gourmet".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzXY32geGec
Don't know where to find the words, though. Good luck!
2007-06-15 05:54:13 · answer #3 · answered by muddy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋