Why do I miss him when he was such a jerk?

Question

My ex-boyfriend, was horrible to me. He used to shout and swear at me, humilitate me, pressure me into doing drugs and going to things I didn't want to go to, tell me I was f.cked in the head (I've been suffering depression from childhood trauma), told lies to me about one of my friends and vice versa to weaken our relationship, told me what to think, do and how to feel, and was emotionally inept. He told me that unless we stopped arguing (i.e. I stopped agreeing with him) then we didn't have a future. And at a critical moment in my life, let me down really badly.

But, we had some good times too, mostly revolving around parties, yes, but he also did take me out to a few nice places, pampered me on my birthday and it made me so happy when I was making him happy.

Why do I miss him so much? He was never 'there' for me when I needed him, but I know in his own way he loved me. I just feel really empty without him, and want him here so badly. How do I stay strong?

Answer 1

Patty Hearst syndrome, or stockholm syndrome as it's also known. Do not go back, each day it will be easier.

Answer 2

Hey lady,

Well first all all i just wanna say that i know how you feel, and i'll tell you what i did, and hopefully you can take something away from it that will help you! x

You really need to focus on all the bad stuff he did to you, those few good times you did have is not enough to compensate for all that crap he put you through!! I dont think you nessassarely (sorry, bad speller, ha) miss him but maybe you miss someone and are to used to being in the habit of sharing your time with someone. Do you have a career or children? if you dont have other things that you love and make your life good then you can feel like that was the only good thing, and now its gone!! (that was my problem) you dont need him to feel good about yourself!!! there are plenty of ways to do this!!

To be honest you sound like you have a low self esteem problem, you are so so so so SO much better than that and deserve way more!! Take this time to decide what YOU want to do with yourlife and what YOU want to achieve, you dont have to consider him now or make allowances for anyone else.

My ex was contolling and i never did anything without his consent, but i finally finished him, got a backbone, and now i'm joining the ARMY!!! i am so excited and cant wait, i could never do something like that with him around!

i'm not saying you should do somethting that drastic, but please look after youself, get a hobby, train for something, change career, travel???!!!

You dont need someone like that in you life, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and grab life by the balls!!! dont waste one more second on that peice of Scum!!!!!

Good luck babe!! x

Take this opportunity

Answer 3

YOU WERE JUST IN LOVE WITH HIM AND YOU 'HAD' TO GET HEALTHY, SO OF COURSE, THE BREAK UP HURTS.

Real love has to do with how you feel about yourself when with a special person....it had nothing to do with how they feel about you~~or how they treated you.

It hurts so bad, because you had REAL LOVE for this jerk! Common sense made you leave. A desire to be mentally healthy and whole made you leave. GOOD FOR YOU. NO ONE IS WORTH YOUR SANITY, JUST TO BE WITH THEM.

IT DOES GET BETTER, I GUARANTEE IT! NOW, DO WHAT YOU WILL WANT A NEW PARTNER TO DO, BE GOOD TO YOURSELF! Do something to spoil YOU! Take long baths with wine and cheese, a TV/radio show on. Work that hair, nails, and clothes to be the best you that you can be and WAIT FOR THE NEW CHOICE OF MEN TO LINE UP!

NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS BUT YOU. NOW, here are some guidelines in choosing a new guy: If A Man Really Wants You!

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he does not want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that is not meant to be.
S l o w e r is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve; then heck no, you cannot "be friends".
A friend would never mistreat a friend.
Do not settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Do not stay because you think, "it will get better".
You will be mad at your self, a year later, for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He did not marry them when he got them pregnant. Why would he treat you any
differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Do NOT EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of
two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
Dating is fun, even if he does not turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always knows where you are
and you are always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.
Do not fully commit to a man who does not give you everything that you need. Keep
him in your radar; but get to know others.

Answer 4

I think the reason you think you miss him is because you probably suffer from low self esteem due to the childhood drama you experienced. You might be thinking that this is the only kind of man that you can attract. But such is not the case. Remember dear, actions speak louder than words, and you said it yourself that he was never there for you when you needed him most, so what does that tell you? I suggest you consider counseling, and working on ways to improve your self esteem. YOU do deserve better, you just have to remind yourself of that. Good luck.

Answer 5

1. Women are attracted to Bastar.s

2. If you miss him even though he was such a jerk, what does that make you? (Not being rude, just wondering what you opinion would be)

3. Women like a relationship that has problems, it gives them something to talk and moan about to their friends, and in this case total strangers

4. Hope that explains it

Edit, to the person who said there are plenty more fish in the sea, who wants to go out with a fish

Answer 6

depression is a hard thing to go through ive been through it and you tend to go for people who have a high self esteem even if theyre arent good for you.

You are feeling lonely and your self esteem is low, you need to pick yourself up no matter how hard it is and meet some one who is worthy of your love and attention.....it aint gonna be easy but think ive done it and im ok now so you can too...good luck and i hope you have friends who can help you on your way !!

Remember only you can do this!

To be strong - look at the things you like about yourself and put all your attention on that

join a club of an interest you have

maybe seek counselling if you feel there are things you still have deep inside - a stranger is better to talk to sometimes as you dont care about being judged.

good luck

Answer 7

I understand completly. I am going throu a divorce. I know I am better without him, but there are times I do miss him. When someone is a part of your life for a good amount of time, it is hard to change that. I was with my ex for over 6 years. I am having to learn all over again how to just be me. It is very difficult. I will tell you, it DOES get easier! Give it time. Its been 4 months now since I left, the first two were horrible. I wondered if I had done the right thing, I started doubting myself, and I actually felt worse than I did with him. But I can say its just because its new, and having to change the way you thing. Now I am getting over the situation. I will always love him, its ok to do that, esp if they had a big impact on your life. But I am learning to be me again. I am learning that I am ok, and better off. And there is something better out there waiting on you. You deserve to be treated with nothing but respect, you can find that! I made a list of pros and cons, and another list of goals. I painted my bdrm "girly" colors. Things that I couldnt do while with him. It makes it easier! I promise. Give it time and it will get easier. Keep yourself busy, and KNOW you deserve better. Good Luck honey.

Answer 8

I know, this is one of the hardest things in the world to do, but please remember two things -

1. Remember how he mistreated you
2. Realize that you deserve so much more

Try to be strong and whatever you do, please don't go back to him as you'll never be able to live life to the full when he's bringing you down. You've taken the biggest brave step by breaking up with him so please just continue doing what you're doing. Do things to take your mind off him like keeping busy or seeing friends etc. Make sure you're really occupied all the time and don't be scared to let your friends know what you're going through. Sweetie i'm able to write this as i'm going through a similar situation right now, and two weeks ago i felt ****, but i haven't contacted him for 10 days now and i honestly feel much better and a stronger person and i'm proud of myself for being able to do this. Sure it's so hard, but i deserve much better than the rat i was seeing, and you also deserve much better. Please be strong and stick to your guns. Good luck and i mean that.

Answer 9

You miss him because you cared about him - not because he cared about you. It takes time to get over someone as it's a death to the relationship. You absolutely are better off without him and you will become stronger because of it, unless of course you try and find another guy like him - which I don't recommend.
Stay strong by finding guys who have similar interests, who don't need "crutches" in drugs and partying. There are a whole lot of them out there, just be patient while you search. Most of all - pray for the person that God will someday bring into your life.

Answer 10

You miss him because he became your only focus in life.
You've been living your life to please this man who abuses you. Now, the main focus of your life is no longer there and you feel empty and you miss it.

Abusers systematically break down the self esteem of their victims so that their victims will be dependant on the abuser. That is why the abuser will shout, swear, humiliate, pressure into doing things you don't want to do, hit you, destroy your friendships with other people, etc. It is all about controlling the victim-YOU!
Long term abuse leads to mental illness.

This man is rubbish. After time you will miss him less and less. PLEASE do NOT get back into this, or any other abusive relationship.
Seek counseling so that you will not accept being abused by anyone else for the rest of your life. The abuse stops now!

Answer 11

The feeling of needing and loving that was fulfilled by him is a form of addiction to a need deep within you. The neuro transmitters if you like were tuned in to him.....like any addiction it takes time to heal. you were abused in the past so you became the victim in this relationship, Abusers have a nose to seek out potential suitable victims and the attraction is strarong and mutual. Time will heal trust me, it will. Keep busy, seek councelling if need be in fact it really does help. Then and only when you feel ready seek a new relationship. In the mean time enjoy friends. Good luck it will all be good in the end and for the best, remind yourself of the hurt and the pain and the cruelty.