i need advice on what do to about something my mom said while upset.?

Question

my hersband(yes, u read it right. we're lesbians) were watching a documentary at my parent's house called Nazis in America, a Secret History. my dad came into the house, saw what we were watching, and made a very racist comment. i was offended, and told him so. well, my mom was in the kitchen, and he said something to her, n she yelled at him saying that he didn't pay attn to what he was saying(he's hard of hearing). we walked to the island bar in kitchen, and i remarked how racist my dad was. n my mom, who to this point had said nothing to either of us said "well, i can't help what he is, and ic an't help what you are, but i don't wanna listen to either of you". my mom is veriently anti gay, but we thought we'd made some headway about it. my hersband and i are planning on starting a family soon, but after that, i wonder if i should let them see their grandma. my mom said she didn't know if she'd show up for it ne way(i'm giving birth). what do u think? p.s. we left immediately.

my hersband and i have been married for 4 yrs. btw, i appreciate those of u who urged me to think before i cut my mom out. ur right, we were in *their* house. my mom absoutely adores kids, no matter who they belong to.

Answer 1

I don't know - it just sounds like she was exasperated by the bickering.

Answer 2

Prejudiced people need to experience sensitivity and thoughtfulness in order to learn it.

She did sort of get caught in the middle on that one, and a little understanding on your part might have eased the situation. "Mom, I didn't mean for you get stuck between us. Sorry."

Your orientation probably does still bother her, and will still bother her for a while. You have to remember that we are still in the first generation of people that accept homosexuals as a part of society and your parents are from a generation that just don't. They have decades of unlearning to do and it takes a kind and patient hand to help them with that.

I know that my parents sometimes say things that I find insensitive or prejudiced. Rather than meet bitter with bitter, I prefer to meet it with sweet and let it go. A simple, "I don't agree." or something similar, said politely, but definitively usually works just fine. And after that, I don't bring it up or brood on it again.

As far as cutting her off from your child... Don't. Your mom can be the biggest help when you're a new mom yourself; and she may very well melt into a puddle of lovey goo at the sight of her beautiful grandchild. Enjoy the good times you have, and while you should speak up about things that bother you, don't say anything about it more than once per incident. Nothing mean, aways be polite and kind. Hopefully they will learn by your example that being gay does not make you an awful person, and you and your Hersband can and will build a loving productive family.

Besides, you're going to drive your kids crazy when they grow up too.

Answer 3

wow.....i think that you ought to let your mom see your child if she wants to...don't stop her if she comes. maybe she's a bit weirded out about your homosexuality and i guess just by saying its okay doesn't really mean she's gonna be fine about everything. she's your mother and she loves you regardless of how angry her words are. think about this...when she gave birth to you there were certain things that she thought her own child would/should do-its natural to do so , i should think...and i know you'll realize that too in sometime. you need to give her time- don't get agitated by her words/behavior just yet. you need to remember that it must have been hard for her to let you follow such an unconventional path in the first place. give her time and no matter what know that eventually she IS your mom and she MUST love- even though she may not seem like it. so give her time- however much she may need. if she hurts you- forgive her. always, always have patience. now that you've gone down this path you need to show that your going to stick with it.
I'm sure, in time she will see that too and want to meet her grand children :)

Answer 4

Don't do anything except let it drop and act like it never happened, like you said in your question, your mother way upset and it sounds to me that both you and your dad got on her last nerve. Just don't contact her and if she wants to so anything then she will contact you. You mother was right that she can't help your father being a racist and she can't help that fact that you are gay, I honestly don't think that she meant it like "it's not my fault that you are gay" she was just stating a fact.

Also I wouldn't withhold her grandchildren from her just because of something that was said in the heat of the moment. She will more than likely want and WILL be at the birth of her grandchild when you do have the baby.

Good luck

Answer 5

Sure your father's comment was uncalled for but I was taught that there was a right way and a wrong way to say everything. If my father had said something (as father acutally tries to avoid the fact that I am gay), then I would have asked him if I could talk to him in private and then explained how I feel. But I would not have said anything to my mom because she seems to hate the fact that I am gay. Good luck with starting a family I hope it works works out for you.

Answer 6

I don't think you should automatically cut you're mom out cause I'm sure your kids would want to know their grandma. But also I think you need to be careful. Make sure you're very open with your kids at home. And make sure they know that homosexuality is just as natural as heterosexuality. B/c you never know what your mom might say. I would be worried that she would brainwash my kids into thinking that I was the spawn of the devil or that all gay people are bad or something. Good luck!

Answer 7

Your Dad made a "racist comment"...let me guess...your "hersband" is not the same race as you are?
I guess I find that interesting, because of the few homosexuals I know, most of them are mixed couples, and the only one I know who was not in an inter-racial relationship is now "straight".
Anyway, why aren't you giving your Mom the credit she deserves for NOT being racist? Surely, if she were all that violently anti-gay, you would not have been in her house watching television with your "hersband".
If you are going to try to raise kids, you need to understand that they won't always agree with YOU, either. Would you like to be shut out of your child's life because you don't agree with their choices? Because when you shut Mom out of your life for that reason, you are setting a precedent for your own kids...don't be surprised when you find yourself sitting alone with your cats on Thanksgiving...

Answer 8

I think your mother needs time to adjust. You didn't say how long of a relationship you are in. If she doesn't have any grandchildren I feel certain she will come around and be more accepting of you and your mate. It's OK for your mother to voice her opinion. She probably needs to get it off of her chest. She's letting it out so she can let it go.

If your mother becomes more accepting and shows some interest in your child when you become pregnant, it is worth it for everyone to try and sustain a relationship with your parents. You don't get another set of them in this life time.

Answer 9

I think she was just upset and we all say things upset that we don't really mean - or that we know we should not have said. Even if she is not 100% on board with your life she does seem to be trying that is a lot better than some Moms!

Answer 10

I think by trying to make a decision this soon would be a mistake...and she is only telling the truth...she is not responsible for what your dads opinions are and she can not be responsible for yours either.....I would wait and see what or how she reacts to 'the birth' of your baby..if she begins with 'bad mouthing' you because of your sexual orientation...well then I would say no....leave the mom out of the picture..or stay with baby while mom is around....

Answer 11

I say stop enabling your mom. By still being there and pandering to her you're enabling her denial.

So cut her off for what she said, tell her you will only accept her back into your life when she's ready to accept you, your family, your children, and all that.

I mean really, what good is family if all they do is judge you, even if it's behind your back? She's your mom, her job is to love and help guide you. Doesn't sound like she's being much of a mom, and it doesn't sound like you should enable her poor behaviour.