Do you have to ask your husband for permission to do anything or buy something, etc?

Question

Has it always been that way, or did it come about gradually? (Like my relationship with my husband - it used to be a democracy, we used to talk about things and compromise, now everything is his way "or else"... I don't know why I didn't pick up him changing so slowly, but now I'm neck-deep. You know?) How does it make you feel when you basically have someone else running your life?

Answer 1

Neither of us asks permission. I may let him know I'm going to buy something, but it's just as a courtesy, not asking permission. He does the same for me. The only time we have to agree on a purchase is if it is a major one. Small stuff, like clothes, shoes or other personal items, we just get as we need them. I'm a SAHM so he earns all the money, but he's never made me feel like I'm undeserving of it. I may not work outside of the home, but I do help him run his business and I take care of our children and the house, so I'm "earning" my keep too, even if I'm not actually bringing in cash, I'm providing services for our family.

Answer 2

I don't believe that is representative of a healthy marriage. There are some marriages where both parties agree that's the way things should be done, and I suppose if it works for them, I shouldn't judge.

I think a marriage should be an equal partnership. I think that the couple should prepare a budget that they agree on together, based on each person's individual priorities and the couple's collective priorities. If you agree on the budget in advance, then there can be no stress associated with the spending of that money.

Most people think of "budget" as an evil word, but it doesn't have to be. You can budget as much money towards anything you want, including "dining out", "entertainment", "gifts", and even a "blow" fund which would be used for things your spouse would never otherwise approve of. But if you've already agreed on how you're going to allocate your money, it makes it a lot more difficult to have misunderstandings or fights about money. :)

Answer 3

We both ask before major purchases, but not the little things like lunch or a new outfit. I keep track of the bank balance and we both have ATM/Debit cards attached to the account, so I do ask that he tell me when he buys anything with the card. I only ask so that I know what we have in the bank before I spend any money or write out the bill payments.

We also both ask before we go out to do something or visit friends. Its not for permission, but more of a courtesy to let each other know where we will be and when we will be home.

For a period of time, he was "in charge". I got angry and resentful and we talked about it. I would suggest you talk to your husband, too. Tell him that this bothers you and ask him to be more courteous and respectful of you as a couple and as individuals. If he won't, then tell him its "or else" and walk away.

You are an adult in a free country, theres no reason to put up with that kind of relationship unless you choose to.

Answer 4

Do you and your husband share the responsibilities around your home? Do you split the bills?

If he feels like he is doing everything, this might explain why you have to ask permission or justify everything that you do. It may seem to him, that he is working his butt off and doesn't get any recognition for it. He may see you asking for things, and feel like he never gets a break.

In my marriage, I pay all of the bills and take on all of the chores. My husband works and makes $10 and hour, which is less that half of what I make, however he is only responsible for about $50 in payments each month. I keep track of everything that he spends, but I do not make him ask permission to do something.

When we were dating, we always discussed things that we wanted to do, then we got married and it seems that we each do what we want.

To answer your last question: How does that make you feel?
I feel terrible because I watch everything that he does. He thinks that I don't trust him, when in reality, I only want to make sure that we save and have a good future together.

On his side: Sometimes he gets paranoid because I track his cash flow, but for the most part, he understands why.

Answer 5

You are not alone. My significant other sounds like your hubby and worse. When I worked, he spent his money and mine, now that we have moved (for his work) we live in a village of less than 800 people and no work for me. He now thinks he is God and despenses money at his whim, very little coming my way. There are no longer discussions about anything - it's all his way.
I, like you, did not see this incidious behaviour for what it was and now it is completely out of hand. It makes me feel that I am a slave, with no rights and no voice. I hate it. What do I do? Well, it is childish but, if he makes plans without my input then he is on his own, I don't go, just to be miserable as he hates going to things on his own.
I also tell him frequently that I am certain God did not put me on this earth to serve him (my SO), he also thinks the world should revolve around him.
I am thinking of leaving and have given him 6 months to shape up or he'll be on his own. I've got better things to do with my life and this is abusive behaviour as he is affecting my ability to do things and it leaves me isolated. Half the time I don't even have enough coin to buy a coffee. How embarrassing is that, when you are invited out for coffee and can't go because you are too embarrassed to admit you don't have access to money for a flipping coffee...that's just not right.
Hindsight being 20/20 I should have seen this as my SO's father treated his wife in the same manner. I guess when I was working and contributing to the household I had some say, but now I am considered a drain on his resources because housework and yardwork are unpaid and therefore not considered work in his eyes.
I do sympathize with you and though I do love my SO there is only so much I'm going to put up with. This behaviour is causing me to become an angry, bitter person and I don't like it, that is not who I am so before it becomes permanent I'm going to save myself.
Good luck to you, stand up for yourself.

Answer 6

well no my husband dosent handle the money.(due to the fact he works alot)i handle all the bills and give him money ever week that he can spend..i take care of everything dry cleaning,gas for the cars,things for the house,and just all round whatever he might need.so he dosent have to dip into his pocket money.(i have his debt card)so we wont have any overdraws in the bank.ive asked him if he minds the way it is but the asnwer i always get is no.he dosent have time to figure out the monthly budget.he says as long as things arent getting turned off or repo he trust whatever i do.we live on a budget and have a savings for vacations.(he picks where he wants to go ever year)i just have to make sure the money is there he says he dosent need the stress of dealing with bills he has enough with his career.he has no clue when what bill is paid by...good luck

Answer 7

No I do not and neither does he. What I would do in your case is have a talk with your hubby. Has something in your lifestyles changed? Does he or you have trust issues (even if it is ever so small). There has to be a reason behind the sudden change. You must let him know in the most sensitive way that when you married, you two became one...not one over the other. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

Been there...and it was pretty crappy. With my husband now, I'll bring up a point to mention I need to get something. If it is something out of your budget, then I would say you need to talk with your spouse...if it something like shampoo or toilet paper, or anything that is a necessity in life, I don't believe they should be on the "ask permission list"...A new outfit, a new car, a new stereo...you get the picture. If your husband changed from being equal to controling, make him aware of it. If he starts making purchases wihout your input, make him aware that also. Hope this helps...if not, sell his stuff.

Answer 9

No, I buy what I please, and so does my husband. Once the household expenses have been paid, the money that is left is our joint money which we can both use as we please. If we need to make any big purchases , we do discuss it, just so that we both like it. I have friends who cannot buy a thing without asking their husbands for money, and it always tears me up inside, seeing them have to scratch for the price of a cup of coffee when we are out together. I don't think I could live with having to ask for money every tme I needed or wanted it, and feel very sad for my friends who do.

Answer 10

I know it is easy to fall into a gradual change in behaviour and then you suddenly realise that they are taking control of the lot. I am a very stubborn person who insists in not only taking pride in myself, but making sure that HE knows that. I think it is important that your partner starts to hear that you have a voice and are an individual. Exercise your true personality slowly and begin to flex inito the person that you truly are. Tempting as it may be to erupt, it may not be fully appropriate to explode immediately