Is it time I grew up and got over this?

Question

When I first discovered my husband of 19 years was cheating, I took it very badly to say the least. 18 months later, we are still together although he stays in our house 4 days a week and 3 days in his apartment to be near to his work. I should in a way be pleased that he didn't leave me for the other woman as such. He has never said much about the affair except that it is over and that he is not willing to commit to anyone, although he is married to me. When he comes over we carry on as if nothing has happened, but he has never said he is staying because he loves me. If I ask him he answers, if you can't work it out then I can't help you. The problem now is that I am finding it difficult to respond to him and to take the initiative with him. I seem to have gone very quiet and hardly ever make a first move with him. Whenever he shows affection, I tend to think that he is pretending. Why am I behaving like a fool when I wanted him to stay? Is it his motives I am wary of

Answer 1

Some women choose to ride it out.... Are you financially secure? It's not like in the old days, when you got a divorce, you're husband supported you with alimony. Do you have a good paying job? Are you ok with your lifestyle changing (usually for a downside)? If you can, go back to school and get an education, so if you decide to leave, at least you'll be able to take care of yourself.

I know everyone is going to tell you not to take it and don't let yourself feel this way, but life isn't always about what feels good at the moment. Life is about making smart choices at the right time. If he's gone alot, get something to do, that will make you feel better. Make smart moves, not emotional ones. Get an attorney and ask him what you should be doing, but don't let your husband know. Keep track of what's going on with your finances. Don't get caught up in if he's having an affair, where divorce is concerned, they really don't factor that in anymore. Your attorney may tell you differently in the beginning to up your bill, but ask other people about their experiences.

Will he go to counseling? Then go and try to make it work. Couples who work through an affair have been shown to have a stronger and better relationship. An affair isn't about you, it's about him. It was just a f*ck for him. He's letting his head (the one down there) rule right now. In other countries the women just stay mum about it and keep on going. It's expected and accepted. They turn a blind eye to it and know they're the "first lady".

When you say you're afraid of his motives, what are you talking about? Make sure he's not cleaning out your account and hiding his assets. That's what you need to concern yourself with. Self preservation.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I would also be wary of is motives! I would wonder why he suddenly needs to be near his work 3 nights a week, and why he did not simply ask me to move there with him. You say you should be pleased that he did not leave you for the other woman, but I don't agree at all. By allowing him to live with you as normal 4 days a week, you are in reality giving him permission to go ahead and do what he pleases the other 3 days. I mean, he has told you that he is not willing to commit to anyone, which just shows that he is not committed to you either. The man has obviously got the best of both worlds here! He tells you if you can't work it out, then I can't help you, and this just goes to prove that he doesn't care about your feelings at all. If he did, he would sit down with you, and discuss his feelings. Personally, it sounds to me like he is just keeping you on the back burner, because it will cost him more money if you divorce him! I would tell him that next time he goes to his apartment, he should stay there permanently, because with his attitude he is no longer welcome in your home. I know 15 years is a long time to have been married, but wouldn't you rather have peace of mind, and be happy?

Answer 3

I am sorry but I don't get it. Why is it that you are blaming yourself. He betrayed you, lied, cheated and has his own apartment and is with you 4 days a week. Well he has the best of both worlds. He can't commit after 20 years of marriage and you think your lucky he did not leave you.. Please have some self respect. This looser is walking all over you. People will treat you bad for as long as you allow it. If he can't commit then tell him to stay in his apartment 7 days you are worth more. After he has some time with out you he can then decide if the marriage is worth giving 100% If not you know where you stand and at least the drama is over. The life you are living is harder then if you were alone. You are behaving like this as your mind and body know what he is doing is not right, you deserve better, and this can not be swept under the rug. You can't pretend it did not happen. Also, if he loved you he would not have one foot out the door.

If my husband pulled this after 19 yrs of marriage there would be a moving truck there at 8 am to move the rest of his crap out so I could hit the bank at 9 and clean out all accounts.

Answer 4

Angela honey, I rarely tell people this because I think people should make their own decisions, but you need to leave this man. You sound so down and depressed and robbed of your self esteem. My heart is breaking for you and every so often a story, like yours, brings tears to my eyes. I can tell you really really loved this man, but I can also tell that you're only holding onto him now because you are afraid to let him go. Afraid of divorce, afraid to be alone. But please listen to me, being alone, yes it will hurt for awhile, but it will feel better soon. The more you start to see who you are, that you are worth more than some man treating you as a second-class citizen. He's making it seem like though he messed up, that YOU are the one who "better" deal with it and are the one who needs help. And the fact that you allow him to have a separate apartment, I don't care if it's for work or not, that is ludicris! I have no doubt that this woman is not meeting him there on the nights he's not home with you. And let's talk about the nights that he is with you..it sounds lonely and even harder than when he's not there, am I right? So then why keep doing this to yourself? He doesn't love you, he couldn't and do these things. Let him go. Give yourself a better chance at a good life, even if that means a single life. I'd rather be single and alone but with a sound mind, than to be married and miserable and hurting and confused all of my days. But that's me and I know that you have to do what's best for you. I think you know that leaving him is best you just have to get the courage to do it. You can do it. Pray and ask God for strength. You know, you could pray and ask God to heal your marriage too, but from a human stand point it seems like it's too late for that. But just remember NOTHING is too hard for God. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

u get a lot of supporters here and they all tell you the right thing which is great! You have to look after your emotions first no matter in whichever relationship you're in. if you are not happy or feel you can trust this person, it's not worth staying. it will have a long term negative effect on you like not trusting a relationship even if the guy is great (in the future). he is not the only person in the world you will love or who is willing to committe to you. It's hard to leave but once you do it and get over with it, and find a new wonderful man, you'll be so grateful that you did it!! good luck & be strong!

Answer 6

once someone cheats you never look at them the same way. If you figure out how to be friends carry on and have fun without getting emotionally vulnerable let me know because that is what I'm trying to do. I try to think of it as friends with benefits and that works for a while then those confusing feeling then all hell breaks loose emotionally. then I get things back in prospective and get my priority's strait. If its any encouragement the confusion seems to happen less often as time goes by 3 of 4 more years and I should have it licked. Good luck to you. P.S. I Assume you have children and they are why your keeping the peace if this is true I commend you for doing the right thing for them by your own sacrifice.

Answer 7

So not only does he get away with having the affair, but he gets to dictate your marriage terms from now on? Wow...a lot of chauvanist types would love you for a wife. You're so passive, you really need some assertive training so that after a spouse makes such a huge mistake as an affair, YOU are dictating the terms of the marriage.
You're being a sucker, plain and simple.

Answer 8

You're scared. Scared of the unknown. And life w/o him after 19 years would be unknown. You are obviously unhappy in your marriage but would rather stay because it can be a big ugly world out there. Nothing to be ashamed of...everyone at some point crosses this same type of fear regardless of the circumstances that have brought them to this point...whether it be marriage, going off to college, starting a new job. Thing is decide what you want and make the best of it...that's all any of us can do.

Answer 9

because your hurt--if he tells you "if you can't work it out then i can't help you" then you need to leave him. he did this to you and if he loves you there is alot that he can try to do to help you through it. alot of damage is done when someone cheats and for some reason the person that cheats expects the other to just get over it. I'm sorry he put you through that but he obviously didn't care enough about your feelings when he cheated and doesn't seem like he cares about your feelings now. figure out what makes you happy and go for it.

Answer 10

This is a very unusual relationship to say the least but he doesn't appear to be making a committment which explains why you don't make any moves either-I just don't think you can trust him and you would have to be able to do this. My guess is you should cut and end this and move on with your life as best you can. This doesn't appear to be going anywhere, just sitting still.