What do ypu think of this prologue?? Sorry if it's not completed as i only can type up to limited characters.

Question

Please comment on whether it's great or whether it's terrible!

A single,solitary woman walked down a dimly lit corridor. Her raven coloured hair was pulled back in a severe bun and her face was stiff and unsmiling. She was trained that way. The sombre grey suit she was wearing matched the surroundings-dull and boring.

She glanced at her watch briefly before increasimg her already brisk pace.The Director did not like lateness.Tucked under her arm was a file-black and seemingly normal.She had to deliver it to him personally.No eye contact.No opening the file.No speech.And if she lost it, it would cost her her life.

She breathed deeply.She was not allowed to tell anybody about the file-even tough she did not know its contents.If she tried to do that, every trace of her would be erased.Gone. Wiped off the face of the earth.How could a file contain such power?She did not want to know.
Finally, she came to a stop in front of the only door in the entire corridor. It was obvious,

Answer 1

A few problems.

1) Not enough detail.
2) You need to fix the sentence structure of the first sentence of the second paragraph. Briefly doesnt seem to fit.
3) The word you want in the third paragraph is through not tough.
4) You need to learn how to use an m hyphen
5) You need to vary your sentence structure. Too many sentences begin with she.
6) You occasionally use passive tense. Especially in your first paragraph it really ruins your mood.

An editor would change it to this..

A single,solitary woman walked down a dimly lit corridor. Her raven coloured hair was pulled back in a severe bun, her face was stiff and unsmiling. She was trained that way. The sombre grey suit she wore matched the surroundings-dull and boring.

See how by just those couple of changes the paragraph tightened up, became stronger and more tense?

An editor would ask you questions like this...

What did her suit look like?
How did it fit her?
How was the corridor lit?
What did the corridor look like?
What color were the walls?
Could you hear her footfalls in the corridor?
Any other sounds?
Any smells?
What did the file look like? What's a normal file?
Did it have writing on the outside?
How did she feel walking down the corridor? Efficient? Confident? Calm?
How did she hold it if it was so important? Carefully? Tightly?
How did she feel standing in front of the door? Nervous? Frightened?
What did the door look like?

Think of the five senses. When I am writing, I never end a scene until I have let my reader feel all five senses. Maybe she had a coppery, metallic taste in her mouth. The file might have felt smooth and cold as she carried it. The walls might have been painted a dull, industrial green. Her high heels might have echoed in the corridor. Maybe she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. See?? More information. Show - not tell. Make me SEE the scene and the woman. Make me know how she is feeling.

Also, I know it's popular with writers like Ted Dekker and Lee Childs, but I really find those sentence fragments all over the place disruptive and annoying. Complete sentences are stronger, because we are more accustomed to them. One or two fragments is ok, but you use a lot. Consider turning some of them into sentences.

Good luck. Pax - C

Answer 2

First of all, congratulations! You actually made me want to know what happens next. Just a few refinements, man (sorry, i couldn't resist because I edit for a living):

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A (single,solitary) REDUNDANT
woman walked down a dimly lit corridor. Her raven coloured hair was pulled back in a severe bun and her face was stiff and unsmiling. She was trained that way.

The sombre grey suit she was wearing matched the DULL surroundings (dull and boring) .

She glanced at her watch briefly before increasi(m)Ng her already brisk pace.The Director did not like (lateness) TARDINESS.Tucked under her arm was a file (I ASSUME IT'S A FOLDER)- black and (seemingly normal) UNASSUMING (?).

She had to deliver it to him personally.No eye contact.No opening the file.No speech.And if she lost it, it would cost her her life.

She breathed IN deeply.She was not allowed to tell anybody about the file- even t(H)ough she did not know its contents. (WHAT IF YOU MAKE IT: SHE CANNOT TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THE FILE. SHE DOES NOT EVEN KNOW ITS CONTENTS)

If she tried to do that, every trace of her would be erased.Gone. Wiped off the face of the earth.How could a file contain such power?She did not want to know.
Finally, she came to a stop in front of the only door in the entire corridor. It was obvious,....

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-

But the judgement is: Not bad at all! You definitely have a catchy enough start. Just fill in more details by describing her and her actions in SIMPLE WORDS. I suggest you read the paragraph to a friend and ask her to visualize. If it came to her easily and she understands the settings and actions, then you probably described it well. if not -- well, back to square one.

Let me know how else I can help. :)

Answer 3

The only thing that's obvious to me is I want to know what happens next ;)

Answer 4

yeah, seriously, send me the rest cause i want to read!

Answer 5

excellent "even tougher," is the only change I would make - good stuff!