Deadbeat dad that comes around once every couple of weeks, kids see him as a saint.....?

Question

and me as the big bad mom. I know this is unavoidable in this situation, he was verbally and physically abusive, thats why he's not with us anymore. How to get over feeling completely crappy everytime dad comes for his supervised visitation, which is pretty much up for grabs whenever he wants to take advantage of it...he takes us up on it once every couple of weeks each month, then leaves after being the "funnest dad alive" for an hour or two? My oldest gets it as she witnessed much of the abuse and suffered some of it as well, the youngest hates me for days afterwards. I know I am doing the right thing by them, but how do i help myself not feel so crappy about it? Anyone gone through the same thing, any advice?

whoever said i wanted my kids to think their dad is crap? I guess thats why i offer unlimited visitation time supervised by me, or his family...he can't take his family up on it as they won't speak to him anymore because of the abuse he has committed against his kids. I don't speak badly in front of them about him, rarely speak about him at all actually.

Abuse is a term thrown around quite a bit, but my 9 yr old could tell you that the day her dad threw me across the room and attempted to smother me in FRONT of her, we were definitely abused. She sat on my lap afterwards and wiped MY tears with HER blankie, no child should ever have to do that.

Women who stay and have children and more children with abusive men are unhealthy, and was I unhealthy, hell yes, good thing i took my head out of *** and got out so that all three of us could begin healing.

Also, my kids do have two parents, a mother who will do anything for them and a stepdad who loves them and treats them the way a REAL dad is supposed to.

thanks to everyone who has answered my question in an intelligent and thoughtful way

lily...your just an idiot.

Answer 1

Will you only take advice from those who are on your team or will you take some advice from a man ?
I love my kids but because of issues that have happened between the mother(s) and I , I am not allowed to see my kids at all,, at all... I have done nothing as serious as you alledge your childrens father has done.. so I commend you on being woman enough to let the father of your children see your kids, you will be rewarded for your personal sacrafice, the oldest may know of things that went wrong, but as she matures, she will know what you must already know, none of us are perfect and the relationship he has with the kids is not the same one he had with you, so you may ever always see him as somekind of monster, but it does not matter, if the kids get both of their parents and you can master that until such time as they are adults and can grow into loving both of you with the complex maturity such broken families require, well then "mighty woman of valor" you would have been one in a thousand to be counted as a strong good woman.. Thank you for being proof that it can be done with the mother and the father involved, though it takes sacrafice.

Answer 2

Your youngest as in most cases with small children...they love unconditionally. They block out the wrong, well really they don't see a lot of things that adults do as being wrong. But your youngest just wants to fix it, and wants to have a mother and father who are in the same house. It is easy to be the martyr when you are not around and only show up 1 or 2 times a month. The real loves comes from the parents who raises them, and sets the boundaries and teaches them right from wrong. You have the most loving job in the world..even though it is hard, and will be the most difficult one of your life. Just love your child, he/she just does not understand what went on, and eventually your oldest will get tired of hearing how great he is, and the oldest will tell the youngest what happened, and what you both endured at the hands of this man.

Answer 3

I was a child who witnessed what your going through. The younger of your children is going to be a tough little cookie to crack, but eventually, they will see him for what he truly is. While your bustin your butt to be mom and dad to these kids, he can just pop in and out full of energy and rainbows,being a weekend warrior is soo tough for him. I can tell you as much as you were disappointed by him, your children are going to be hurt the most. All over the world right now there are so many people going through the same thing, it's hard,but time plays a big factor in this. I am a firm believer in what comes around goes around. Try not to bash him, even though he deserves it, in front of the kids. If your youngest child gets sassy about stuff, just state the facts. Sometimes kids make up a version of what they think is reality because the truth is too painful. Hang in there your the superhero.

Answer 4

I feel your pain and it's really frustrating. My 15 year old has a dad that only contacts him once or twice a year. Half the time he doesn't even get a call from him on his birthday. I've been with him now for 12 years. He still thinks the world of his father. It's hard to understand why but he still has this emotional bond with the guy. But as time has gone by and he has become older he is starting to see the man for who he is. This guy was very abusive as well. With out getting into details he should have been hung by his privates. Hang in there, the kids will come around as they get older. Patience is a tough thing but just hold on.

Answer 5

Is there someone else you trust or the court approves who can be there when he's there? If you're comfortable with that, you can leave and avoid the whole scene.
I just want to say that while I'm sure isn't what you imagined your life would be like, you are doing a wonderful thing! There is no service a person can perform in their time on this planet than being a mom. And you're doing it in a lousy situation. But you have your priorities right. Your kids are first.
Your kids will figure things out as they get older and they will respect you for it. You'll be there for all the scraped knees, homework, lost boy/girlfriends, prom dates, sporting events, etc. He won't. You will be there when they need you. He won't.
You don't need to be popular with your kids. You need to be their mom. It sucks for them that they don't have a real dad, but it sounds like you're doing a good job.
Be proud of what you've done and what you're doing.
Hang in there.

Answer 6

My ex sister in law was in the same situation. They reasons they see him as a "superstar" is because he only comes around every couple of weeks. And when he comes he won't fuss or punish them because he already is feeling guilty. You are not the "bad parent", you are the responsible parent. And it doesn't look that way now but as they get older they WILL lose respect for him.. Ever heard the saying... "When I was young and dumb".... The older they get the smarter they will get, just keep the faith.. I always say you can put sugar on bulls*** and no matter how sweet it tastes it will still be bulls***. Continue to hold your head up and be strong nothing you truly want is ever easy. Fight for what you want and what you believe in. I am so sorry you and you oldest daughter suffered abuse at the hands of someone who was supposed to love you, Always remember abuse is not only physical. And if you continue to let him make you crappy he is still winning. Your children don't hate you, there confused. In closing he has to answer for the things he does and the person he has to answer to accepts no excuses.

Answer 7

First of all, aside from the situation you describe, by "deadbeat dad" do you mean he isn't paying his court-ordered child support? If that's the case, you're not doing your kids any favors by allowing him to get away with it and depriving them financially. Get with the attorney general of your state, or the county domestic relations division, and get that support enforced. It's free, and not hard to do. The kids deserve the support, and the court has ordered it.

As for the situation, all you can do is make the best of it. If your youngest resents his dad being gone and blames you, maybe counseling is in order, for the two of you together. Make the best of his visits, and try to restrain your obvious anger and bitterness ... these feelings can be sensed by the kids.

Yes, I've been there & done that; luckily for me I get along well with my second ex, who was emotionally and verbally abusive to my kids when we were married. At least he's not a deadbeat, and I appreciate that. I had to take my first ex to court to get the support paid, and it WAS paid.

Answer 8

You have a healthy view of this situation.

Think of his point of view. (oh sh8t, I said a bad one.).
Let me rephrase, think of why he is sooooo happy to be there. He ACTUALLY WANTS to be there. The abuse is an unfortunate sidedish you won't let go of even though you have let him go out of your life.
That is expected. HOWEVER, that is ALLLLL about you. There is still him and his role left on the shelf---allow him that room since you rightfully shoved him out of your home and daily life.
He (not you) misses his kids. That is the room on the shelf you are having trouble with. You want him to fall off the face of thet earth/shelf and leave the whole planet to yourself.
(*Gods, am I being hard? Sorry)
Since this question is about him--let the answer be about him; leave yourself out of it (yeah, fat chance, emotions run deep)
Now we are at the root of the question and answer--emotions and the lack of control they control. Think about that.

As for your little boy, time will expose the truth...which truth, that he is abusive, careless, thoughtless, inconsiderate and leaves the toilet seat up and the crumbs on the counter? ORRRRRRR that he has wisened up and got HIS uncontrollable emotions under the best control he has.
My point of this paragraph is: allow the present to live, and the past to die.

Overall, your boy will learn a different dad because he will be different anyway. Allow the differences even though you don't trust. Your boy will see what he sees because he is lving in the present without those baggages.
You will just have to put up with what your little boy knows vs. what you know because those two worlds are different.,,one is dead, and the other lives, and the memories of the dead brings strong fear and emotion that is killing the present.

I hope I helped.

Answer 9

I know exactly how you feel. They might not realize it now, but you're doing the right thing. Just keep like a business relationship...keep everything cordial. I hate the fact that my oldest daughter talks about her dad like he's the greatest, yet he hasn't been here for her in years. It kills me inside! I've been here for her through all the hurt she's been through and now that he's coming back into her life I get so emotionally crushed. I know I'm doing the right thing and when she gets older she will see the real him. Just be strong and stay level headed. I know it's hard and I tell myself the same thing daily. Good luck to you...keep your head up. Happy Father's Day...because we all know that you play the part of both!

Answer 10

As they get older they will understand if they didnt see the abuse it will take time. But you need to be open with them and not hide what he did or was. Dont down him just let them know you couldnt stay with him for the way he treated you. In time things will get better.Remember you are doing whats right you should take pride in that and remember it everytime you feel like this you have more courage and strenght than most. God bless and good luck.