I need help in getting out of my marriage?

Question

Number one my marriage has lots of issues. (he is controlling, jealous, always telling me what my intentions are and aren't) up until now I have always sorta brushed these issues under the rug because I know its just the way he is. its not just me he does not trust it is everyone. Ok, I know I have a troubled marriage, my problem is I can't make the final step to leave. I have every reason to, I have told him many, many times I have to separate from him because its just too stressful. Why does my mind keep ratinalizing things, why do I keep hoping for things to change? I know he is who he is and it most likely will never change. I serious from one conversation to the next my emotions flip flop, "I can do this marrige, then soon as he says something stupid, bam, I'm back to I gotta go" and it starts all over. This is on a daily . Please help me, it seems like his crazieness is making me crazy. Do I stick it out with him for better or worse and do what a wife should? I know he loves me.

Answer 1

Get marriage counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone to find out 1-why you put up with this for years and 2-why you refuse to leave.

Answer 2

Oh my gosh! I could have written this! I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same thing right now. I've been married for 6 years. Every week it's the same. He says something and I think to myself, "that was it". Then the next day I'm like, what was the fuss about? I wish he would just disappear and I'd be free. If it weren't for our 2 little boys, I'd be gone already. My suggestion is: read the 1st two chapters of Gottman's "7 Principles for Making a Relationship Last" (or something like that). It will let you know if you've got a chance. "Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controling Men" is a good one, too. I personally don't see couples therapy helping if he's anything like my husband, who thinks he knows more than anyone. I want to go see an individual therapist who can help me get over this hump. I know my husband loves me, too, but that's not enough. I want to be treated with respect and affection - always.

Answer 3

Christ almighty Tamm....what do you have to do...get hit in the head with a 2x4 to see the light? You said it never changes. Even ever so slight a change brings you right back to the start again. For starters...no spouse, male or female, should have to endure someone who 'controls' them. Slavery was abolished in this country ages ago. Anyone who keeps someone under their thumb has low self esteem and the person under the thumb has none.
You seem very articuale. therefore, you're no mope. Not by a longshot. So..being a rational and apparently analytical woman (as you seem to have thought this out for some time) what do you want? To have someone treat you as a lover, a friend and an equal in all things that concern the both of you? Or...do you prefer the life of a woman living in a position that is an object for sex, meals being cooked and a companion when he wants one and only then?
If he loves you he has a strange way of showing it. I think although he may love you (so you say) you have become more of an...ohhh...an 'object'. Sort of like a favorite chair, know what I mean?
You like that feeling? No...I didn't think so. So its either speak up...make your feelings known and lay it on the table. If he laughs or belittles you...then that says an awful lot. He doesn't take you seriously and your opinion doesn't matter a tinker's cuss to him.
If that happens.....then your mind should be made up at that moment as to what you have to do.

Answer 4

Fear and insecurity are keeping you there. Muster up the courage to move on. Make the decision, formulate a plan and then stick to it. You are afraid of what might be around the corner and rightfully so. You are not happy but you know what to expect day to day. He has helped with your insecurity and now he's won. You are exactly where he wants you to be. Trapped. Get some help for yourself. Realize that you are more than what he lets you be. Realize that things are not going to change and its time to move on. Get support from friends and family. Open up and let them know how things are. Be honest with yourself and others. Many women have gone before you. Leaving is not impossible. Take a breath and make your move. You won't be happy until you do and life is too short to live under this kind of control. Good luck!

Answer 5

No don't stick it out. Part of a marriage includes trust and excepting a person for who they are and not trying to change them. Girl friend it sounds like he lost that a long time ago! Don't you want someone who loves you for you and not for who they can make you become? Look never settle for less when there's always so much more out there 4 you to grasp on to. Let this thing go before you're in toooo deep and driving yourself over board. Slowly but surely you'll find the right one 4 you!!!!!!!

Answer 6

If you both truely love each other you can make this work. It sounds like you do love him or else you wouldn't be going back and forth. At the same time you do need things to change. My suggestion would be to seek some help - both of you going to thearpy to work this out. You can even tell your husband that this is it, you need to do this or else you will leave as you are not happy. If he loves you and wants you to be happy, he will do it. And I do believe people can change - I saw first hand my father change for the better of our family, for his marriage to work out and it did. Just keep strong and talk to your husband, make him understand you two need to sit down and work things out. Good luck.

Answer 7

You answered my question of the day earlier, saying that it sounded so familiar, and boy are you right. It's like they feel the world is out to get to them, you the kids everyone. In my case the only person he trusts is his father, probably because he is just like his father. He can be so loving and thoughtful one minute, and you wonder how you could ever think of leaving this man, and then from nowhere for no apparant reason he has to say something to "put you in your place" to remind you who is boss, and you should be so thankful that you have him. And then your like Im out of here. It's like they don't want you to feel proud, or have self esteem. It's ok to be happy as long as their the reason for your happiness.
I think one of the differences in our situations though is that I have been doing it for 25 years, have raised 3 children, they all still live at home but they are 24,22, and 18. So I can't use them as an excuse anymore.
I did leave, twice, last summer, just wish I would have had the guts to stay gone. I had no game plan in place just packed a bag and left. Even slept in my car one night. It was just that he called and begged over and over again. He kept telling me how much he loved me and that we were soul mates. And at that point all I could think of was all the good times we have had. And there have been some amazing good times. I did seek counciling at that time, but to no avail I went back. But this time I thought I was armed with info, I thought I allowed him to treat me like that. So I shared all I learned with him, and although he refused to go to counciling with me, he agreed to work extremely hard with me and my concerns. There have been changes, and I think things were going well for a little while. But slowly I can see the old behavior coming back. I talk to him about it, at first he got angry and said he's afraid to say anything to me for fear that he will come home from work and I will be gone again. So I shut up. He says things like no one in this house plays by the rules, he is so sick of the lies. I don't even get the mail anymore, because he thinks that I am hiding things from him. I really don't know where it comes from. Now its getting more frequent and intense, to the point that I think he is making things up in his head. Whenever someone pays me a compliment or something good happens, he has to look for something wrong with the situation. Now I to am seriously contemplating what to do, have even spoken to a lawyer to find out my rights. I just don't know if I can actually do it. Do I love him? I really think I do, but than again I don't if I can trust my own feelings.
I know this was more about my story, but if it helps you get the courage to follow your heart and do what you know you need to do I would like to know. I really don't know if they can ever change. They can learn to shut up, for a little while anyway, but then they start to resent you for repressing. Not a good situation either way

Answer 8

Trying getting a counselor b/c it seems like you really care for him, but if the marriage continue that way then I suggest you leave b/c what is the point of spending your life all stress out.

Answer 9

Ok first off...if he truly loved you he wouldn't treat you like this. I'm sure he does and granted some men have weird ways of showing it, but it drives me nuts that men think they can act like this and we're just supposed to sit by and accept it.

I'm sure if you suggested therapy he'll probably laugh it off. If he does, I hate to say it but cut your losses and get out. If he loves you he'll go to counsiling. Tell him how much you love him but you're tired of feeling like crap. Some men never change. My ex is one that will never change. I wished I'd have gotten out sooner than I did. I'm lucky to have now met a man that loves me unconditionally and listens to me.

Honestly, if he has trust issues I'm sure it goes way back to his childhood. I truly hope he agrees to therapy. I'm sure it will do you both good.

Answer 10

I don't believe in divorce and i don't think that all marriages are Cinderella and prince charming. Happily ever after kind of stuff. But I do think honest and open communication is the key.